I'm Hurting Right Now
The feelings I share here are real.
I am transparent with the details I've spilled out on the pages of the internet.
The purpose of this blog is to give hope to those who might think their marriage is destined to end because of infidelity.
I point readers to God's redemptive truth as revealed in the Bible and in the life and ministry of Jesus Christ.
I don't want to paint an image that masks the harsh realities. I talked a little bit about some of the difficulties in my post, "It Won't Be An Easy Fix."
You see, while I am now so deeply in love with my wife, I painfully ache on the inside. Sometimes, a substantial weight sits steadily on my chest. It feels real. It's not a metaphorical weight.
I look back at my entire life and feel so ashamed. I know almost everyone thinks about their past mistakes and poor choices with regret, but this is killing me right now.
Here is a partial list of things that are haunting me as I write:
-giving up my virginity at age 12
-taking drugs to escape the pain after my mom died
-multiple sexual relationships as a teenager
-failing miserably in my career
-being a poor example of a man to my children
-not investing enough into my marriage
-failings as a father
-addiction to porn
-failure to lead my family as a Godly man
-cheating on my wife
-nearly destroying my marriage
These are some of the major areas I've failed in the past. I hate myself sometimes. I detest looking at myself in the mirror.
I don't see myself the way God sees me. He sees me as a dearly loved child. I see myself as the most vile of offenders. The Bible talks about being a good steward of everything we've been given, including our very lives.
I have failed across the board.
These Words DO Help
And still there are words speaking to us through the ages-
Jesus says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28). That sounds much easier than it actually is sometimes.
No matter what, even if your marriage has ended - and EVEN IF IT WAS YOUR FAULT - Jesus, the Healer, Redeemer, and Friend of Sinners still calls to you. He looks you in the eyes, accepting you right where you are.
He says to you, I love you so much that I was willing to give up my life on the cross to redeem and restore your broken life.
The Bible says that while we were considered enemies of God, He still sent Jesus to die on the cross in order to pay the price for our wrongs (Romans 5:8-10).
Sometimes we need to hear those words. I was so burdened as I sat down to type this post. At this moment the burden is a little lighter.
Watch this Matthew West video with the song, Mended. I pray it will encourage you.