It's not if, It's when
I ride a motorcycle. I've never crashed or "gone down,"
yet. People say this all the time, "It isn't a question of
if you're going down, it's a question of
when."
So apparently, there's no getting around it. Eventually, one day, I'm going down on my bike. Because I have this awareness, I need to be prepared to the best of my ability both physically and mentally.
The Honeymoon Doesn't Last Forever
When a couple takes their vows on their wedding day, they don't actually believe the bad times will in fact accompany the good times. They can't fathom that sickness will ever occur, but only abundant health. They can't imagine that there will ever be times of financial need. And they certainly can't wrap their minds around the fact that their blissful celebration will ever eventually lead to arguments, discontent, and dare I say the deterioration of their feelings of
love for one another.
Newlyweds - Fiancés and Fiancées - Boyfriends and Girlfriends - and anyone else in-between: The
'It'll never happen to me' syndrome is a fabrication in your own mind. Feelings come and go. Happiness is a fleeting emotion that is subjective to any number of random factors at any given time. So the fact of the matter is, all star-crossed lovers will eventually have feelings that fade. It's not
if, it's a matter of
when.
Something Better than Happiness
Joy, my friends, is a much deeper and potentially unchanging anchor that can carry you through the longest deserts when temporal feelings of giddy-butterfly-filled-infatuation have long since dried up and withered away. The Bible teaches us to consider it "pure joy...whenever [we] face trials of many kinds" (
James 1:2).
You see,
joy is substantial.
Happiness is fleeting and ever-changing.
If someone randomly hands me a $5 bill, I'm happy. Now the moment is gone and so is the happiness. It's that quick. Happiness is like a pleasant hiccup in my day. Sometimes it can happen several times per day, other times it might not happen at all.
Why?
Because happiness can lead us to believe that whatever triggered our positive response somehow equates to true satisfaction and fulfillment. The Apostle Paul wrote a popularly misquoted verse, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13). In context, he was writing about how he had endured both good times and bad. He had experienced hunger as well as times of plenty. Through all things and in all situations, he learned to be content (v. 11) because of his faith and hope in Christ Jesus. Therefore, he could
endure all things through the power of Christ Jesus.
I hear this all the time, "I've fallen out of love." I even devoted a post to that subject entitled, "
I've Fallen Out of Love." Many people use that excuse to justify either cheating or filing for divorce. Part of that comes from the ignorance of not understanding that
love is truly much deeper than a skin-deep feeling.
It's better to tell you now; at some point in your marriage,
you will experience a shift and change in your feelings for your spouse. Those changes will no longer feel like the initial so-called "in love" infatuation we all experience when a relationship is new.
FYI: THIS IS NORMAL!!!
Why?
Because feelings come and go. That's just the way it is. But does this mean that you don't love your spouse just because your feelings of infatuation have changed? Absolutely not. The feelings of infatuation erode to make room for a deeper and more mature mutual-submission, oneness, and love. There's a great book called, "
Every Man's Marriage" where Fred Stoeker thoroughly examines the Biblical teachings of marital oneness, love, and mutual-submission to one's spouse. That book is a must read for any married man (or man who wants to one day get married).
How to Prepare
So now that you understand it's not a matter of
if, but rather
when, it's time to prepare.
This is not a fix-all solution. This is not an all-encompassing "I have all the answers" self-proclaimed-guruish kind of thing. This is simply a tool to help you focus. This is one tool out of many that can help you during a time of distress. Here is a link to several other resources that provide amazing Biblical and Godly support for husbands, wives, and families:
Forgiven Cheater Resources.
More than likely we have all seen something similar to the image at the top with the label, "Break Glass in Case of Emergency." I'd like to propose that you create your own 'break in case of emergency' box for your spouse.
Step 1.
Seclude yourself for an hour or so. Bring along something to write with and on. Begin to write out all of the things that you love and enjoy about your spouse/or soon-to-be spouse. Include the situation surrounding the first time you met. Be descriptive - include colors, sounds, smells, temperature, everything you can think of. Write out all of your favorite things about your spouse - be specific - include every detail from the contagious effect of their laughter, to the way they wear their hair, to the kindness they exhibit to strangers...whatever it is that YOU love about them. Include everything! Omit no detail. Make sure you have fully written down everything that captivated you in the first place.
Step 2.
Fold up, roll up, wrap up, do whatever you need to do with the things you've written down to securely seal into a box, canister, or container of some kind.
Step 3.
Pray. Pray for your spouse. Thank God for the unique traits and characteristics He designed your spouse to have. Ask for His love and protection to cover your marriage. (BTW - please continue to pray for and with your spouse on a daily basis even after this preparation is behind you).
Step 4.
Put this treasured box of descriptions somewhere safe. Leave it alone. Then go about your daily life with your spouse.
Step 5.
When the day comes that your feelings begin to change, and you potentially even ask yourself if you've fallen out of love...GET THE BOX! Take that box out of hiding and break it open. Spend another hour or more alone with the descriptions you've carefully written out. Spend some time praying for your marriage and for your spouse (in addition to the daily prayer you've already been faithfully keeping up with).
Step 6.
Take your spouse somewhere special and share the things you've written out about them. You don't need to share everything if you don't want to, but at least share some of the highlights. This will remind you of the treasure God has blessed you with as you look them in the eye and speak words of affirmation to them. In turn, it will also bless your spouse tremendously as they hear the words of validation that you've written about them.
P.S. Do this today. Don't wait until you're in panic mode.
