Sunday, August 2, 2015

Raw Words From My Wife

Context For This Post

I asked my wife to write down a few words to describe the difficulties associated with being cheated on, as well as the process of forgiveness and restoration from her perspective...the one I wounded with my actions.

What She Had To Say

When your spouse has been unfaithful you no longer feel whole. You feel like part of you has been ripped away. You feel like you have been thrown away, forsaken.

When you are told you aren't attractive and no longer loved, it makes you question every comment that was ever said and every moment ever lived. You wonder how much of your life has been a much you have been lied to. You wonder if you were ever attractive and if you were ever loved.

The Reasons I've Been Shattered  

A girl's greatest desire is to be loved fully and unconditionally. Yet, when you are betrayed, left for someone else, you question your worth...your value as a person. Everything comes into question. You begin to compare yourself to the newer model, who happens to be younger, skinner, blonder, funnier, outspoken, and boisterous. Everything becomes a question of why. Why wasn't I good enough, pretty enough, ______ enough? You come to the conclusion that you just aren't enough and you never will be. You don't have what your spouse is looking for. You don't match up to what he desires. You blame yourself. You deny yourself. You lie to yourself. You kill yourself through that process...or at least you feel that the former you has died. You no longer have any self esteem or self worth. You become a shell of a person who can no longer trust what others say because the one who mattered most, taught you that you were nothing as you were thrown out like the garbage.

No matter what, you will never be the same.


So, what happens when your spouse wants to reconcile and claims to have been confused? You question everything. You question your spouse's intentions and sincerity. Why? Because he has already deeply hurt you and eroded all trust, said hurtful things that damaged the soul and spirit, claimed to have never loved...spent so much time convincing...lied continually. That can't be undone. The words fall on deaf learn to believe nothing the person says. That doesn't mean you don't want can't. How can you trust and believe someone who has hurt you so deeply- that person who was supposed to be your protector, your most intimate ally has betrayed you and left you for dead. Your spouse was evil and malicious; planning and plotting his deceitful actions with purposeful intent. He chose his words carefully, using every weapon in his artillery against you. To the point where you become so wounded you don't even resemble the person you once were.

How can you believe anything? Now he tells you that you're pretty, but last year you were "unattractive." Now he claims to love you, but last year he didn't. You no longer know what to believe.

Why should you allow yourself to believe someone who has already repeated the same thing over and over? You would be stupid according to most people, to let down your guard and try to believe and
trust again. After all, it's already repeated.

Your spouse has shaped what you believe about yourself and has shaped who you are now and who you will be in the future.

Will I ever truly be loved? Will I ever be able to believe that I'm loved? I don't know. Will I ever believe that I am beautiful? I'm not sure. It never mattered to me if others thought I was beautiful. Only one opinion mattered and he made his opinion very clear when he was steeped in adultery.

The Reality Of The Faithful One 

Interestingly enough, you are able to realize that your spouse who cheated, and left you for someone "amazing" didn't actually get someone better. You were better because you had integrity and honesty. You were better because you were faithful. You were better because you kept your vows. You begin to realize that he left you for a harlot, an adulterer, someone who was evil and deceitful, someone living a lie in filth. They will never be one ounce of who you were, or who you are. Although that still doesn't change how you feel your spouse perceives you now, even as you reconcile and forgive. Does he truly love you? Does he truly mean what he says? Is his heart truly repentant? 

God's Call To The Brokenhearted And Betrayed

"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times." (Matthew 18:21-22 NIV)

The Bible tells us that God "heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" (Psalm 147:3), and that He is "close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34:18).

This doesn't mean that we are to simply be a doormat to be trampled, but a living example of Christ Jesus through our actions. Love is a verb. Love is not a passive nicety stamped on the front of a greeting card. Jesus' love was demonstrated for us like this: "while we were still sinners [He] died for us" (Romans 5:8). 

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins" (1 Peter 4:8).


  1. What did your wife do to make her heart fill with love again? How long did it take?

    1. In spite of the pain, my wife never stopped loving me. It's not so much a question of when her heart was filled with love again, but rather when the healing began. The healing process removes all of the other things clouding the oneness of the marital relationship. Some of the things that cloud the potential for full unity and oneness are: hurt, anger, frustration, deep sadness, and distrust. Also, she didn't and couldn't remove those things on her own. She sincerely prayed and asked God to remove those things from her heart. She continued to trust in Him, that He would truly heal and mend what had been broken. In terms of how long it took...or is still taking...our journey might not be the same length/distance as someone else's. It's been well over a year and a half since I asked her for forgiveness, destroyed the divorce paperwork, and told her I was determined to stay and that I would never betray her again. She is still not fully healed. She still has occasional doubts. But she is beginning to trust again. She is doubting less and less when I express my love to her through my words and actions. Her scars will remain, but our relationship even in it's present stage of healing is so much deeper and fuller than I ever imagined it could have been. We also have been pouring quite a bit of time into intentional study, prayer, and commitment to Christ Jesus together. That is a major part of it. In and of ourselves, it would have been impossible. I don't know anything about your situation, but I'll pray that God will work in you and in your spouse.

    2. Thank you. We have been praying & I have read many things on forgiveness & moving forward. Your blog has been the most encouraging. Everything your wife wrote is what I feel. Thank your honesty on this page.

    3. Thank you for your encouraging words as well. Even though I've had thousands and thousands of "views," there have been comparatively few responses. Sometimes I wonder if this blog is truly ministering to people and providing hope, or if it's just a point of curiosity.

    4. {\rtf1\ansi\ansicpg1252
      {\fonttbl\f0\fnil\fcharset0 ArialMT;}

      \f0\fs26 \cf2 \cb3 \expnd0\expndtw0\kerning0
      \outl0\strokewidth0 \strokec2 It is truly ministering. I read, I cry, read some more and cry some more. God is good and my Pastor said he loves to resurrect His people and marriages. It is great to see this happening in your marriage and pray one day I am wiling to minister as you are doing about being cheated on. Thank you }

    5. Your blog is quite helpful. Your wife's letter is heart wrenching and helps me understand the depth of my wife's pain. My affair was 14 years ago, but she cannot forgive, and has filed for divorce. I pray that God will heal her heart and restore my family.

    6. I'm so sorry to hear that. My I recommend a book that might be helpful? It's called "Every Heart Restored" by Brenda Stoeker. I will pray for you both.

  2. Your blog does help. Thank you.

    1. Thank you Anonymous for your encouragement!

  3. I understand both men and women cheat on their spouses. I also was not naive prior to marriage, that cheating happens all the time. I am a woman so I can only speak from that angle. Just FYI I am about 6 years post affairs, and I am still, healing? However in the last year or so I have had profound reminders about cheating men. I understand we are all sinners, and so am I! But I guess my question is this, if this makes sense. Why is it that you can almost bet that during the course of your relationship, YOU WILL GET CHEATED ON. I mean just about every couple I know or has ever known has been through it. Even the ones who you are unsure of, have. (Like us) I get so annoyed by it. From the people on TV, friends, distant friends, strangers, members of the church! You name it. I used to be so optimistic and full of light when it comes to love. After my experiences I have NO advice to give a new couple, and I don't. I feel I don't know any more than they do. But this issue blows my mind so much, that what I want to say is, "I don't know how your own road will be, but you can count on him cheating! " I KNOW ALL MEN DO NOT CHEAT!!! Lol that would be impossible anyway. I think of my daughters and what advice I could give them based on my experiences and I want to include this one so they arent naive to it, because unfortunately it probably will happen to them too! I just feel the cheating so predictable now. You may have a spouse who is a drinker, on drinks, AND THEY CHEATED! My husband hates to hear me talk this way, but I just don't get it. I've told him that if I could do it all again, I would never marry, not out out spite or that I didn't want to. Its so he could cheat all he want and only be a fornicater not and adulterer. And I would have to be the wife of one.

    1. Not everyone cheats. It is prevalent in human nature to not find satisfaction in what we have. We also don't protect our marriages like the sacred covenant commitments they are supposed to be. The best advice I would give, isn't that you can count on being cheated on...but rather that you intend on being a person who offers grace and forgiveness on an ongoing basis for any and all faults. This is not to condone cheating at all. This is to say that we all are flawed and need ongoing grace and forgiveness.

    2. Great advice. Your article has made me realise I need to forgive every time I am wronged regardless.