Sunday, March 20, 2016

Our Biggest Obstacle So Far

There is a roadblock in our relationship

This information is good for people who are working towards restoration. If you are experiencing something similar, then by reading this, you know it's normal.

This information is also good for people who are considering cheating on their spouse. I want you to be aware of the layer-upon-layer of pain your actions will cause, even way after the fact within the realm of forgiveness.

It's on my shoulders

I continue to try to be everything, and do everything my wife needs and wants me to be. I have a mental image of the ideal husband floating around in my head, and I can't seem to make myself into him, no matter how hard I try.

One issue is the residual pain and scarring that has built up over the years. My intentions are admirable, but it's not enough. It's almost like trying to give the most incredible back rub of all time to someone with bleeding, open sores on their back. You're rubbing in a way that would feel fantastic under normal circumstances...but the harder you try, the more agitated the sores become. Then you think that applying lotion will somehow help - yeah, you get the picture.

Here it is

Back when I was involved in my final affair, my behavior was erratic. My actions were fueled with the euphoric motivation of the excitement of the affair. I am not using the word 'excitement' in a positive manner. The term 'excitement' in this situation can stand equal to the excitement or adrenaline rush a criminal faces as he's being chased by the cops. It can relate to the thrill a thief experiences as he's opening a package in a store, and stuffing items into his pockets. 

It's very similar to the euphoria associated with new love. These feelings are illusions in a sense. These feelings cannot be maintained over a long period of time. These all-consuming-emotionally-fueled feelings are not normal for everyday life. 

Many people mistakenly think those feelings mean love. Those feelings are NOT love. Those feelings are temporary. Those feelings are short-lived. Those feelings give us a momentary burst of energy, which in turn motivates us toward actions that are out of character (for the most part). 

Let me explain with a couple of examples. 

First, you know when you meet someone for the first time and you get that feeling inside? You know - the feeling that makes you think about the other person nonstop. The feeling that propels you to only show your good side. The feeling that forces you to hide all of your character flaws for as long as possible. The feeling that dissipates rather quickly once you move past the initial attraction and exhaust all of the smalltalk, so there's nothing left to talk about aside from real, raw, and truthful everyday issues. Once that happens, many people notice that the feeling is gone. They equate the absence of the feeling to having fallen out of love.

You know what I'm talking about. You've probably been there. So you behaved in a manner that was out of character for the most part. You put up masks and fronts in order to present the best and most polite version of you possible.

Now I'll give you an example of how I behaved when I had my final affair. I would make excuses to get out of the house in the middle of the night. "I just want to go ride my motorcycle." "I feel like being alone." "I'm an adult, so I can go whenever I feel like it, and I don't have to answer to you." It was out of character for me. That's not the way I normally behave or talk to my wife. The point is, I went out of my way to be with the "other woman."

Here's the Residual Problem

Now that we're 2 years away from destruction - Waaaaay on the other side of the spectrum - fully committed to each other, and divorce is not an option...there is still a residual problem. In fact, this is our biggest obstacle so far.

We live a normal life. It's busy and full, but it's normal for a conservative, Los Angeles, 2 parent household, with several children. That being said, I have to admit that I get tired. I don't have the energy of a teenager. I am over 40 years old. There seems to be so much to do, and not enough time in the day to get it all done. Unless I make arrangements to have a date night with my wife, the days and weeks slip by faster than I'd like to admit.

Our alone time where we are able to enjoy intimacy (not just physical, but emotional intimacy as well) gets shorted sometimes. 

Many nights, we will crawl into bed around midnight. We'll force our eyes to stay open in order to read our daily couple's devotional together. Most of the time we'll both stay awake while we pray together. But then we completely crash for a quick 5 hour nap before we have to start all over again with a new day.

My wife will then begin to appear a little sad, or maybe even distant. Or maybe she'll send me a text once she's at work and it'll look something like this:

I'm feeling distant lately. It's not that you've done anything specific, but it feels like you're not interested in me. You make comments about how you want to be close to me, or that you're interested in having some fun together, but you don't make any moves on me. In fact, you usually fall asleep before I do. 

When I try to talk to her about it, nothing seems to get resolved in the moment. I tell her how tired I've been. I remind her of all the things we've got on our plates. She'll then remind me of how I went out of my way for the last woman I had an affair with. 

You would go out in the middle of the night and stay gone until the early morning. You had the same schedule that you do now, but still you made huge efforts to pursue her.

That's it. I don't pursue my wife like I did with the "other woman." Our affair didn't go on and on over a period of months or years. It was short-lived. That's all my wife saw - the initial pursuit. So, unfortunately, she compares my unrealistic pursuit, fueled with energy and adrenaline with the realistic pursuit I have for her.

To be honest with you, I was already done with the "other woman" long before our affair ended. I was already looking for her replacement. I was annoyed with her voice. Her laugh made me cringe. She had more and more noticeable traits that bothered me. Her flaws were becoming more evident to me with every passing moment. I wouldn't have been able to maintain the unrealistic pursuit of her for much longer.

Regardless, it's what my wife saw. She saw me sacrificing my sleep just to be with someone. She saw me pursuing someone with everything I had in terms of time, energy, and attention.

While she knows logically that the initial pursuit is only a temporal part of the relationship, it is difficult at times.

On the other side of that, I need to remember to continue to pursue my wife. I need to make her feel loved, appreciated, and cherished on an ongoing basis. I have to make conscious efforts to sacrifice my sleep sometimes in order to give the time, energy, and attention to my wife that she needs and deserves.

God's design for marriage is ideal. I wish I'd followed it from the start.

Some people think that God makes a bunch of rules just to limit us and corral us into a little arena called the "No Fun Zone." It's not that God doesn't want us to enjoy life - it's just the opposite! He wants us to fully enjoy all that He's created. Jesus said that He came so we could have a full life (John 10:10). God makes rules and gives us parameters so that we won't live self-destructive lives.

Affairs destroy.

Trust and commitment build safety and emotional nourishment.

Our roadblock is there, but it's not permanent. I'm continuing to press forward everyday. I love my wife, and I know we'll get through this together.


  1. I suspected my wife of cheating on me but I never had any proof. This went on for months, I didn't know what to do. i was so paranoid and decided to find a solution, i saw a recommendation about a private investigator and decided to contact him. I explained the situation about my wife to him and he said he was going to help me.I gave him all the informations he required and afterwards i received all my wife’s phones Text messages and calls, I was hurt when i saw a picture of my wife and her lover. I feel so bad about infidelity. but i am glad Mr james was able to help me get all this information, you can contact him via email(

  2. If you know you not ready for a relationship why get into one and still cheat and liar. I was dying inside for my cheating husband, i had no prove, no one to run to. Everyone thought i was paranoid. until i was referred to a Private Investigator  Mr James . I told him about my situation and He understood me well and helped me spy on my husband iphone.He hacked his Gmail and Facebook account and linked all his WhatsApp and phone conversation to me, to find out the truth.I saw all the evidence and i was heart Broken,I just want to openly say thank you Mr James for helping me get evidence against him,i feel so hurt. If you need help please contact him ( via email.