Monday, January 26, 2015
What's So Difficult About Restoration?
That question is being answered every day in my marriage. Every day holds it's own difficulties. Each day holds new challenges. We might have a wonderfully romantic dinner, followed by incredible intimacy on a spiritual, emotional, and physical level. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, her eyes will begin to turn red. She'll get quiet. I'll notice tears forming in her beautifully deep blue eyes.
It's been quite a while since I've been unfaithful. Although "quite a while" is completely subjective to the person defining it.
Unfaithfulness is also subjective to many people. Although, if you use the definition given by the Ultimate Authority on everything, even looking at another woman and lusting counts as marital unfaithfulness.
I'm sure you've all heard some of the popular phrases, "You can look, but don't touch." "Just because you're on a diet doesn't mean you can't check out the menu." "I've got my celeb list - that's my list of celebs I'd make an exception for...my spouse is okay with it...it's never going to happen anyway."
These, and the many variations of these phrases are all lies. They are not okay. Your spouse is actually not okay with you thinking or speaking these things. These lies are the foundation of a path that leads to full-blown infidelity.
So what specifically is so difficult about the journey of my marital restoration?
I'm not being unfaithful. I'm not looking. In fact, my eyes bounce as the Every Man's Battle teaches.
I'm doing everything in my power to demonstrate love, faithfulness, and commitment to my wife.
I get her a glass of water every night before bed. I turn the sheets down for her. I practically never take a shower alone - nearly every single shower I take is with her. In the shower, I wash her back and the backs of her legs every single time. I rub moisturizer/lotion on her after the shower. Occasionally I will brush her hair after the shower. I make tea for her, sometimes in the mornings, and sometimes in the evenings. I do dishes, and laundry. I put the lid down on the toilet. I send her random texts to let her know that I'm thinking about her & to tell her that I love her. I willingly and happily go out of my way for her. I consider her feelings and schedule, and I consult her whenever I make plans. There are so many things that I do, that many experts would find to be simply wonderful.
The problem? I should have been doing those things all along...all along without leaving an out in my mind. I should have been doing those things without keeping that deadly thought in the back of my mind, "If this doesn't work out, I can always find somebody else."
This is the person I married. This is the person I choose to be with, "...for better, or for worse...in good times, and in bad..." There is no exit plan. There is no "plan B." However, because of my terrible choices and lack of discernment along the way, I'm fighting desperately to prove and prove again and again and again my love and faithfulness to her - sometimes multiple times throughout the day.
She constantly second-guesses every action of mine. She is continually filled with doubt as to the true intent and integrity of my actions, understandably so.
LORD, I pray earnestly for You to work in the heart of my wife. You have changed my heart. You have given her your Grace and Forgiveness in order to restore our holy covenant of marriage. Please give her peace and comfort. Please restore her trust in my love once again.