She's Smiling More

SHE'S SMILING MORE

We are nearing the 5 year mark. At this point, we have gone through 5 years of concentrated efforts, prayer, forgiveness, moving forward, facing points that trigger instant memories and pain to emerge, emotional ups and downs and everything in between. 

Nearly 5 years since I confessed to EVERYTHING I'd ever done in secret. 

Nearly 5 years since I filed for divorce.

Nearly 5 years since I shattered my wife to the core with the devastating news that I'd been unfaithful more than once.

Nearly 5 years since I told my wife not to pray for me because there was "No way my heart would change."

Nearly 5 years since I ripped up the divorce papers and vowed never to use that word in our marriage again.

Nearly 5 years since I asked for forgiveness and we began to rebuild our broken relationship.

Many years ago, I used to pray and ask God to make my wife into someone who was interested in Him more - someone who prays - someone who wants to read the Bible with me - someone to partner with me, keeping Christ Jesus at the center of our relationship. Of course I resented that when I was living out my sinful choices.

Recently (meaning since the point we began to work towards restoration), my prayer had been for her to heal. I would ask that God would soften her heart from all of the hurt I caused. 

Both prayers were answered. During the worst moments of our marriage - the darkest hours - she became a pillar of faith. She embraced me the way that Jesus would embrace any sinner confessing and repenting. She prayed like a warrior for my heart to change. She prayed for the redemption of my soul.

The second prayer has been answered over the last year or so. She has become lighthearted. She smiles more and more. Her laughter lightens the burden from my shoulders. I love to see her stepping out of her shell again. The silliness and love for life has returned to the spirit of my sweetheart. Her laughter and smile are infectious and so incredibly beautiful.

I look back with shame into the darkened hallways of my past, but I remember to keep my eyes fixated on my Rock and my Redeemer, Christ Jesus. In Him, all hope is found (Ephesians 2:8-10; 2 Corinthians 4:16-18). Everything can be restored. Everything can be made new (Revelation 21:5). 

Moses (the author attributed to Deuteronomy) was writing to the people of Israel, reminding them to keep their covenant with God. I can relate to the sentiment contained in the following words -

When you and your children return to the LORD your God and obey him with all your heart and with all your soul according to everything I command you today, then the LORD your God will restore your fortunes and have compassion on you and gather you again from all the nations where he scattered you. Even if you have been banished to the most distant land under the heavens, from there the LORD your God will gather you and bring you back. He will bring you back to the land that belonged to your ancestors, and you will take possession of it. He will make you more prosperous and numerous than your ancestors. The LORD your God will circumcise your hearts and the hearts of your descendants, so that you may love him with all of your heart and with all of your soul, and live.

Deuteronomy 30:2-6

My wife and I, as a covenantally-connected couple, in unity, returned to God. We aren't rich by a long shot, but the fortune and blessing of a wonderful marriage has been restored. We were scattered and now we are unified. I metaphorically banished my wife - I too wandered in the distant lands away from God's grace, but He has gathered us back together and now we LIVE, we THRIVE with absolute joy. I am not saying that life is easy. We still face the daily challenges of living in a sinful and broken world, but we face it together.

I wanted to share this post as a beacon of encouragement to those who might think their situation is hopeless.

Do You Believe?

 

 

I Believe...

I believe in the power of inner transformation. I was driving an immovable wedge through the heart of my family. I was the conduit of destruction in my home. I allowed sin to penetrate deep into my heart and mind, which clouded my judgment, my contentment and my desire to follow God's will in my life. Romans 8:5-7 says, Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires...The mind governed by the flesh is death...[and] is hostile to God; it does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so (NIV).

I was opposed to anything remotely associated with God; church, prayer, resisting temptation, reading the Bible...

If you've read other entries on my blog, you will be somewhat familiar with my journey. It didn't happen overnight, but the transformation of my heart and mind did eventually take place.

Here we are, nearly 5 years after the worst moment in our marriage and I am so deeply in love with my wife. This is the same woman that I believed I would never love like I was supposed to. This is the same woman I said terrible things to. This is the same woman I chose to file divorce papers against.

If this is the first entry you've read here, these words summarize our journey:
SIN     PAIN     LUST     ADULTERY     ANGUISH     STRIFE     TEARS     REGRET     GRACE     FORGIVENESS     MATURITY     RESTORATION     JOY     PEACE

Our journey is not over. But without the underlying power of Jesus, we would not have made it this far.

What is this power you speak of?

The Bible says, if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you. Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation - but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live. For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. (Romans 8:11-14). 

You see, there are two powers at work in the world. There is the power of God/Jesus/The Holy Spirit and there is the power of satan/sin/death. You have the choice to follow and obey either one, but there is no middle ground. You must choose one or the other. 

I was living according to my flesh. I was following the path of self-worship, idolatry, lust, greed, self-destruction and death. I took a turn for destruction when I ignored God's plan for my life. Some people ask, "How could God allow this to happen?" Because we all have free will. We all have the option to choose between right or wrong, life or death, sinful or holy decisions. God's plan is to redeem and to restore. 

You might be in the midst of the storm right now. You might be on the brink of making that heart-wrenching discovery that your spouse is cheating. As horrid as it feels right now in your situation, please take heart. There is hope. Our story is a living testament to that.

In the same way the prophet Zechariah spoke these words to Zerubbabel, governor in a province of Judah, they are applicable in your situation as well, Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the LORD Almighty (Zechariah 4:6). We cannot stand alone in our own strength to face terrible situations, but by the power of God we can.

Filled With Regrets

I'm Hurting Right Now

The feelings I share here are real.

I am transparent with the details I've spilled out on the pages of the internet.

The purpose of this blog is to give hope to those who might think their marriage is destined to end because of infidelity. 

I point readers to God's redemptive truth as revealed in the Bible and in the life and ministry of Jesus Christ.

I don't want to paint an image that masks the harsh realities. I talked a little bit about some of the difficulties in my post, "It Won't Be An Easy Fix."

You see, while I am now so deeply in love with my wife, I painfully ache on the inside. Sometimes, a substantial weight sits steadily on my chest. It feels real. It's not a metaphorical weight. 

I look back at my entire life and feel so ashamed. I know almost everyone thinks about their past mistakes and poor choices with regret, but this is killing me right now.

Here is a partial list of things that are haunting me as I write:

-giving up my virginity at age 12

-taking drugs to escape the pain after my mom died

-wasting time

-hypocrisy

-multiple sexual relationships as a teenager

-failing miserably in my career

-being a poor example of a man to my children

-not investing enough into my marriage

-failings as a father

-addiction to porn

-failure to lead my family as a Godly man 

-cheating on my wife

-nearly destroying my marriage

These are some of the major areas I've failed in the past. I hate myself sometimes. I detest looking at myself in the mirror. 

I don't see myself the way God sees me. He sees me as a dearly loved child. I see myself as the most vile of offenders. The Bible talks about being a good steward of everything we've been given, including our very lives. 

I have failed across the board. 

These Words DO Help

And still there are words speaking to us through the ages-

Jesus says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28). That sounds much easier than it actually is sometimes. 

No matter what, even if your marriage has ended - and EVEN IF IT WAS YOUR FAULT - Jesus, the Healer, Redeemer, and Friend of Sinners still calls to you. He looks you in the eyes, accepting you right where you are.

He says to you, I love you so much that I was willing to give up my life on the cross to redeem and restore your broken life.

The Bible says that while we were considered enemies of God, He still sent Jesus to die on the cross in order to pay the price for our wrongs (Romans 5:8-10).

Sometimes we need to hear those words. I was so burdened as I sat down to type this post. At this moment the burden is a little lighter.

Watch this Matthew West video with the song, Mended. I pray it will encourage you.

Hope Is Real

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick,

but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." (Proverbs 13:12)

Are you longing for your marriage to be restored?

If you're new to this blog, I want you to know that there IS HOPE for your marriage! No matter how overwhelming your pain is if you've been cheated on. No matter how much you hate yourself, feel unworthy of forgiveness and believe that you can't change if you've done the cheating. Even if you've already filed for divorce, there is still hope.

How can I say this?

Because my marriage is a living testimony to God's grace, forgiveness, and His power to heal and to restore.

Nothing about our journey has been easy, but I stand here looking back at what I've done in the past and my life has been put into perspective. 

Within the big picture - 

I am a human being, created in God's image (Genesis 1:27). I have sinned (meaning I have done wrong in the eyes of God by failing to live up to His perfect measure of holiness). I had a broken relationship with Him (Romans 3:23). I repented (meaning I changed my ways and turned away from my sins). I confessed my sins and have been forgiven (1 John 1:9). Now I am walking in His grace, in a relationship with Him (John 1:12).

Within the smaller picture -

That process in and of itself wasn't some kind of mystical formula that instantly restored my marriage. As humans, we still struggle against pride, as well as wrestle with shame and unworthiness issues. I am so thankful that my wife was able and willing to stay the incredibly painful course. 

Please remember that pain and difficulty doesn't equate to an impossibility. While in context, Jesus was talking about the difficulties of the rich (those who place their faith and hope in money) being saved/entering the Kingdom of God, He did say, "with God all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26). I would argue that same truth has complete relevance in the area of marital restoration.

If you need help or prayer, I have a list of resources on my main site: Forgiven Cheater

Another option - you can always post a response on any of my blog entries.

Or, you can email me directly.

God Bless You

We Are Getting Divorced

The Text I Received From A Friend

Please pray for healing for us. We are getting divorced. We made a mistake getting married.

My Response Was This

I'm so sorry to hear that. We will continue to pray for you.

My Gut-Reaction

First of all dear friend, my prayer for you is that you will find the courage and grace to mend your marriage. I am sick on the inside. This epidemic of "WE MADE A MISTAKE GETTING MARRIED" has to come to an end. Remember, I said the exact same words to my wife - as I alluded to in my post, "I've Fallen Out Of Love." Our marriage has struggles, yes - but I am passionately in love with my wife. I never dreamed that I would ever be so completely satisfied and joyful in any relationship.

A Message To The Voices In Our Culture

All of you placaters and politically correct water-downers who have some kind of fear of speaking the truth - STOP. Stop placating. Stop watering down situations and helping to further the destruction of marriages, while turning your backs on the beauty of forgiveness. Stop encouraging people that there's somebody better out there. Stop telling people that they deserve better. Stop fostering the idea that a mistake had been made in the marriage.

Learn to speak the TRUTH in love, so that we can grow and mature in Christ (Eph 4:13).

We need to take collective responsibility for the epidemic of divorce and broken homes in our country.

Here Are The Three Sections Of My Friend's Text

Please Pray For Healing For Us.

Absolutely. Will do. Already on it. I prayed this morning before I even asked him how things were going. I prayed after I received his text. I am praying as I type. I will continue to pray as the hours and days pass in the future.

What am I praying for? Healing that looks like this: Forgiveness, Grace, Humility, Brokenness spilling into new life, RESTORATION.

Why am I praying for these things? Because it is what I am called to do. Because it is the WILL OF GOD. Because it is the right thing to do. MOST IMPORTANTLY - because it is feasible, plausible, and unarguably possible through Christ Jesus. My marriage is a living testament to that claim.

We Are Getting Divorced.

This is the popular track to follow. This seems easiest. End it all. Chalk this one up to experience. Live and learn. Cool. Let's throw a divorce party and move onward & upward!! (Yes, there is a growing trend of divorce parties, much like bachelor and bachelorette parties with people/businesses turning quite a profit.)

Things WILL NOT get better. Psychology Today reports, "67% of second, and 73% of third marriages end in divorce." TIME devoted an entire article to the subject, noting, "the replacement...doesn't actually restore the family."

So I ask you why. Why are you getting divorced? You can't take the heat? That's what up-close and personal relationships are like. Things get heated. Situations get uncomfortable. Sometimes people seem unbearable with their annoying traits and nagging voices and all the other things that drive you up the wall...wait...what about when the camera is flipped around? What does your spouse see in you? All of your flaws/annoying traits/blemishes.... BECAUSE WE ARE ALL FLAWED. Remember this, "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Rom 3:23). The only perfect person is the Lord Jesus Christ. That's because He is God in the flesh. We can never measure up to that level of perfection.

Marriages are a direct reflection of the relationship between Christ Jesus and the church. "We all, like sheep have gone astray" (Isa 53:6). We all have been unfaithful to our God, over and over and over again. And yet, God demonstrated His love for us "while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Rom 5:8). Do you see that? When we were busy offending and snubbing God, Jesus DIED for us, in our place - He took our sin on Himself and gave us the opportunity to be made righteous and sinless in His sight. What does that mean? It means, He enabled forgiveness and restoration.

The three basic ideas of a marriage are this: 

1. Two separate people become one (Mk 10:8, Gen 2:24, Eph 5:31, Matt 19:5). Get it? Two sinful, selfish people with their own flawed egos enter into a relationship that was designed to last a lifetime.

2. A wife is supposed to submit to her husband (Eph 5:22-23). That means all of her hopes, dreams, and desires are to be submitted to her husband.

3. A husband is supposed to love his wife in the same way that Christ loved the church (Eph 5:25). That means, a husband is supposed to sacrificially lay down his life for his wife.

If those three basic idea were truly followed, there would never be divorce. There would be no abuse. There would be no infidelity. There would be no conflict. There would be no issue. There would be no epidemic. Why? Because there would be equal submission. There would be equal sacrifice.

We Made A Mistake Getting Married

No you didn't. You were madly in love with each other. You couldn't stand to be apart. You constantly thought about one another. Your heart raced when you first met. You wrote songs about your love. You spent time writing to each other, expressing your heartfelt passionate words of love.

You made mistakes along the way. Some of those mistakes hurt deeply.

You're making a mistake by getting divorced.

Stay the course, even when it feels difficult. Remember the vows you so freely spoke? Through good times, and bad...till death do us part... These aren't the best of times. But you vowed to stand together. You made great efforts to express your love. It's time to do that again. It's time to look into each other's eyes and see what Christ Jesus saw when He willingly laid down His life for you.

Put all selfish desires and ambitions to death. Put your spouse's needs first. Love unconditionally. Love without fail. Persist and pursue your love with relentless ambition.

I will continue to pray for you.

Renewed Vows of a Forgiven Cheater and His Wife

I forsook my vows. I ignored my vows. I desecrated the covenant of holy matrimony.

Now that my wife and I have taken the journey of restoration, we have also expressed our love for each other with an informal renewal of our vows. We each took the time to write new affirmations of love and vows for each other.

One day in the near future, we will have an official renewal of vows ceremony. Until that day comes, I would like to share with you what we've expressed to each other. This expression of love was the final 'dare' in a year-long couple's devotional called, "The Love Dare Day by Day."

Several references in our letters are personal and probably won't make sense, but the point of sharing this is to give hope and to inspire those who wonder if their love can ever be rekindled and healed.

 My Letter To Her

My Love,

I want to boldly proclaim my love for you. I want you to hear me, my heart, my mind, my soul, and my lips say that I am joyfully committed to you for the rest of my life. I have suffered throughout my life with burdens from the past that crippled me and stunted my growth and potential as a man. This was a result of my own immaturity. Thankfully, you have stayed the course. You have graciously received me back after the darkest hour of our lives. You have me now. You have my undying love for you, as well as a love that would be willing to die for you. You are everything I could ever hope or pray for in a wife. I truly thank God for you. In that, I want to make my vows clear to you. These vows will not be broken. I value this covenant commitment with my life. I believe that these words are a binding proclamation of my life, joined in union with your life.

I, [Forgiven Cheater], take you, [My Wife] as a life-long best friend, companion, lover, prayer partner, soul-mate, spouse, teammate, roommate, and number one fan – to have, to hold, to cherish, to admire, to support (in all aspects of that word), to cry with, to pray with, to laugh with, to sing with, to dance with, to cuddle with, to be an intimate ally with, to eat with, to live with, to suffer with, to endure with, to bless with, to freely play with, to absolutely and irrevocably become one with in body, mind, and spirit – no longer two individuals living life side-by-side, but rather as one unified whole person – completed by this fusion of two flawed individuals, living life as one flesh, one desire, and as one purpose, together, even when temporarily physically apart; through sickness and in good health, through good times and in bad times, for rich or for poor, while always holding Christ Jesus as our Lord and Ruler, until death do us part.

Love always and forever,

[Forgiven Cheater]

Her Letter to Me

Dear [Husband],

When you are a little girl you dream about being swept off of your feet.

You dream of the true Cinderella story.

However, as life unfolds you quickly learn that Cinderella is just a fairly tale.

That you are not Cinderella and the chances of meeting a prince were not possible.

I realize that my story is much deeper and much more complicated.

It seems to relate more to the tale of Finding Nemo.

It started with a human who was attempting to be funny by making fish lips.

From that moment I desired to be near you!

From that moment I knew that you were someone that I wanted to spend my life with.

I was swept away and fell in love in that instant connection.

Little did I know that I would love you so deeply, so intensely, so quickly.

I never expected to have my heart consumed.

The more I got to know you, it became clear that you were not just a normal guy.

You were much more.

You were complicated and raw.

You displayed compassion and love for others.

You had a real relationship with God and you made me want something more.

It wasn’t until I met you, that I realized that kind of relationship was even possible.

You made me dig deeper.

You made me strive to be a better person, one with integrity and love.

I lived in such a dark place as a child and you opened it up and shined light on it.

You gave me hope.

You gave me something to strive for.

You helped me see beyond myself and realize that so much more was possible.

That dreams do come true.

They just aren’t always the way you envision them.

Life has not been a fairy tale.

It has been an adventure.

One with daring twists and complicated plots.

I have had some of the most joyous moments in my life with you.

Many of my first were with you.

My most precious memories include you.

I would not trade anything for my experiences with you.

You allowed me to be a mother.

Something that I wouldn’t trade for anything else in the world!

The joy of unconditional love- a love like no other.

That is one of my most prized memories in this life.

That experience alone has made me grow and I couldn’t have done that without you.

Even cartoons experience heartache and loss.

They go through experiences that tear them apart, leave them hopeless, and heart broken.

I often wish that life didn’t need to include pain or suffering.

That we could learn valuable lessons a different way.

I can’t change those experiences.

I only hope to grow through them.

I promise, just like I did 21 years ago… To take you for better, or for worse; for rich or for poor, in sickness and in health, as long as we both live.

I promise to be your love, your best friend, your accomplice, your soul mate, your partner, your intimate ally, your side kick, your number one fan, your amigo, your secret admirer, your confidant, your secretary, your girl- forever…

I am yours and always have been yours. You have my heart, my life, my soul. You make my life complete. I am no longer in this life alone. I have you by my side. Just as God said, “the two shall become one.” This is my promise and covenant with you.

I am one with you!

I love you,

[Wife]