Filled With Regrets

I'm Hurting Right Now

The feelings I share here are real.

I am transparent with the details I've spilled out on the pages of the internet.

The purpose of this blog is to give hope to those who might think their marriage is destined to end because of infidelity. 

I point readers to God's redemptive truth as revealed in the Bible and in the life and ministry of Jesus Christ.

I don't want to paint an image that masks the harsh realities. I talked a little bit about some of the difficulties in my post, "It Won't Be An Easy Fix."

You see, while I am now so deeply in love with my wife, I painfully ache on the inside. Sometimes, a substantial weight sits steadily on my chest. It feels real. It's not a metaphorical weight. 

I look back at my entire life and feel so ashamed. I know almost everyone thinks about their past mistakes and poor choices with regret, but this is killing me right now.

Here is a partial list of things that are haunting me as I write:

-giving up my virginity at age 12

-taking drugs to escape the pain after my mom died

-wasting time

-hypocrisy

-multiple sexual relationships as a teenager

-failing miserably in my career

-being a poor example of a man to my children

-not investing enough into my marriage

-failings as a father

-addiction to porn

-failure to lead my family as a Godly man 

-cheating on my wife

-nearly destroying my marriage

These are some of the major areas I've failed in the past. I hate myself sometimes. I detest looking at myself in the mirror. 

I don't see myself the way God sees me. He sees me as a dearly loved child. I see myself as the most vile of offenders. The Bible talks about being a good steward of everything we've been given, including our very lives. 

I have failed across the board. 

These Words DO Help

And still there are words speaking to us through the ages-

Jesus says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28). That sounds much easier than it actually is sometimes. 

No matter what, even if your marriage has ended - and EVEN IF IT WAS YOUR FAULT - Jesus, the Healer, Redeemer, and Friend of Sinners still calls to you. He looks you in the eyes, accepting you right where you are.

He says to you, I love you so much that I was willing to give up my life on the cross to redeem and restore your broken life.

The Bible says that while we were considered enemies of God, He still sent Jesus to die on the cross in order to pay the price for our wrongs (Romans 5:8-10).

Sometimes we need to hear those words. I was so burdened as I sat down to type this post. At this moment the burden is a little lighter.

Watch this Matthew West video with the song, Mended. I pray it will encourage you.

In An Instant - Or, Something Is Rotten In The State Of Denmark

Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.
                                  - Marcellus (Hamlet 1.4)

 In An Instant

Things have been going really well. My wife has been lighthearted more often. Her smile is radiant. Her giggle prompts contagious laughter from others. An ease and pleasant normality has become commonplace in our home once again.

I can see and feel her trust beginning to grow.

…and then, in an instant…

The Setting

As is our custom, we were taking an evening shower together. As we stood in the soothing hot water, we recapped the day.

Our oldest wants to borrow the car for a date night. That’s fine, as long as he fills the tank.

Our 4^th grade son has been a little mean to our 5^th grade son. We’ll pay closer attention and be sure to address anything we see him doing.

As we continued down the list of our children, I suddenly realized that I had insta-gas. What did I eat? I’m not sure, but this backside pressure was something that didn’t even give me enough time to politely jump out of the shower. BAM!

Ok. That just happened.

Honestly, we’ve been marred for nearly 22 years. Flatulation happens. If she hasn’t heard me by now, something isn’t right. The problem is that a hot and steamy shower keeps odors locked in and amplifies the potential toxins.

So, I played it off with a sheepish grin and confidently declared, “Just call me Romeo.”

Her Response

Without missing a beat, she said, “I wonder who else you’ve felt comfortable enough to do that in front of.”

Shutdown

The relaxing and soothing moment jumped from pleasant to painfully uncomfortable in an unforeseen instant.

I immediately became silent. The weight of what I’d done in the past stood solidly on my shoulders once again.

After a seeming eternity of silence (when in reality it was probably only a few seconds), she asked me what was wrong.

I replied, “Well, we were having a nice time relaxing and talking, and then I let one go…and then you wondered ‘who else’ I’ve done that in front of. I feel badly that anything can remind you of what I’ve done. And honestly, no, I never did that in front of any of them.”

She said, “It doesn’t necessarily have to mean ‘them.’ You’ve had many girlfriends in your life, it might have happened with any one of them as well.” I felt like she was trying to soften the blow a little bit. Then she said, “At least maybe I have this. Maybe this can be something that you’ve only done with me.”

Ouch.

Debrief 

What’s the point of sharing all of this? I’m just trying to be real. Life gets better, but reminders of our sinful mistakes can be only a moment away. I was going to say that they can be only a breath away, but given the gassy nature of the situation, I wanted to air…uh, I mean err on the side of seriousness.

Also, it’s not that infidelity is a laughing matter, but through the pain and in our journey of healing, we need to learn to laugh again.

“But a man who commits adultery has no sense; whoever does so destroys himself” (Proverbs 6:32).