She's Smiling More

SHE'S SMILING MORE

We are nearing the 5 year mark. At this point, we have gone through 5 years of concentrated efforts, prayer, forgiveness, moving forward, facing points that trigger instant memories and pain to emerge, emotional ups and downs and everything in between. 

Nearly 5 years since I confessed to EVERYTHING I'd ever done in secret. 

Nearly 5 years since I filed for divorce.

Nearly 5 years since I shattered my wife to the core with the devastating news that I'd been unfaithful more than once.

Nearly 5 years since I told my wife not to pray for me because there was "No way my heart would change."

Nearly 5 years since I ripped up the divorce papers and vowed never to use that word in our marriage again.

Nearly 5 years since I asked for forgiveness and we began to rebuild our broken relationship.

Many years ago, I used to pray and ask God to make my wife into someone who was interested in Him more - someone who prays - someone who wants to read the Bible with me - someone to partner with me, keeping Christ Jesus at the center of our relationship. Of course I resented that when I was living out my sinful choices.

Recently (meaning since the point we began to work towards restoration), my prayer had been for her to heal. I would ask that God would soften her heart from all of the hurt I caused. 

Both prayers were answered. During the worst moments of our marriage - the darkest hours - she became a pillar of faith. She embraced me the way that Jesus would embrace any sinner confessing and repenting. She prayed like a warrior for my heart to change. She prayed for the redemption of my soul.

The second prayer has been answered over the last year or so. She has become lighthearted. She smiles more and more. Her laughter lightens the burden from my shoulders. I love to see her stepping out of her shell again. The silliness and love for life has returned to the spirit of my sweetheart. Her laughter and smile are infectious and so incredibly beautiful.

I look back with shame into the darkened hallways of my past, but I remember to keep my eyes fixated on my Rock and my Redeemer, Christ Jesus. In Him, all hope is found (Ephesians 2:8-10; 2 Corinthians 4:16-18). Everything can be restored. Everything can be made new (Revelation 21:5). 

Moses (the author attributed to Deuteronomy) was writing to the people of Israel, reminding them to keep their covenant with God. I can relate to the sentiment contained in the following words -

When you and your children return to the LORD your God and obey him with all your heart and with all your soul according to everything I command you today, then the LORD your God will restore your fortunes and have compassion on you and gather you again from all the nations where he scattered you. Even if you have been banished to the most distant land under the heavens, from there the LORD your God will gather you and bring you back. He will bring you back to the land that belonged to your ancestors, and you will take possession of it. He will make you more prosperous and numerous than your ancestors. The LORD your God will circumcise your hearts and the hearts of your descendants, so that you may love him with all of your heart and with all of your soul, and live.

Deuteronomy 30:2-6

My wife and I, as a covenantally-connected couple, in unity, returned to God. We aren't rich by a long shot, but the fortune and blessing of a wonderful marriage has been restored. We were scattered and now we are unified. I metaphorically banished my wife - I too wandered in the distant lands away from God's grace, but He has gathered us back together and now we LIVE, we THRIVE with absolute joy. I am not saying that life is easy. We still face the daily challenges of living in a sinful and broken world, but we face it together.

I wanted to share this post as a beacon of encouragement to those who might think their situation is hopeless.

Forgiven Cheaters in Ministry

What are our limits of forgiveness?

I read an article in Christianity Today, written by Bob Smietana entitled, "Few Pastors Say Adultery Should Permanently Ban Them From the Pulpit."

Apparently there are differing opinions on whether or not a pastor should ever be allowed to return to a leadership or pastoral position. Some of the ministry leaders surveyed, "think pastors who commit adultery should be permanently banned from ministry"  (Smietana 2016).

If there is an ongoing sinful lifestyle without repentance, then I agree that the person should not serve in ministry or Christian leadership. What kind of leader can they be if they profess Christ, but live in a contrasting way? Those people are hypocrites as Jesus said, "These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. They worship me in vain; their teachings are merely human rules" (Matthew 15:8-9).

However, we are all a forgiven 'something' in Christ Jesus. The Bible says "Jews and Gentiles are all alike under the power of sin...there is no one righteous, not even one...all have turned away...now we know that whatever the law says, it says to those who are under the law, so that every mouth may be silenced and the whole world held accountable to God" (Romans 3:9-19).

What does that mean? It's telling us that before our justification and forgiveness through our faith in Christ Jesus, we are all equally guilty - equally not able to stand in our own righteousness - equally accountable.

Therefore, we all have something sinful in our lives that requires forgiveness. We all have some kind of sinful lifestyle to be redeemed from. We all need to repent from something.

The Bible says, all have sinned and fall short of God's glory (Romans 3:23). There isn't a single person on this planet who is worthy in and of themself to lead as a pastor or minister of the Gospel...UNTIL they encounter the forgiveness only Christ Jesus can provide.

Who better to pastor and counsel married couples on the dangers of infidelity than a person who has fallen and then been forgiven and restored? 

Who better to mentor and minister to addicts in rehab than someone who has turned from that lifestyle and remained faithful in their sobriety?

Who better to pastor those in need of a Savior than one who has turned from their sin?

Did you know this??

You are guilty of everything covered under the law. 

What?!? I've been good. I've only messed up in small ways. I'm fit for ministry. I'm fit to lead. I'm eligible to be a pastor. 

Well, the Bible says, "whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it" (James 2:10).

So, no matter what, we are all guilty and in need of forgiveness. Once we understand the amazing grace that God offers us, we can humbly love others and freely forgive them.

What does that have to do with pastors who mess up?

Shouldn't they have known better??!?!?

Yes. Absolutely. They should have known better. They blew it big time. 

BUT - part of the problem is our idolization of our leaders. We place pastors and teachers on some kind of pedestal, elevating them beyond the realistic truth that they are only flawed humans. I don't care if you've got 7 books on the NY Times best seller list. I don't care how many tens of thousands of people listen to your messages every week. I don't care how many lives have been changed as a result of your ministry (well, I do care...but I'm trying to make a point here). Regardless of what your ministry accomplishment are, they aren't your doing. They aren't because of your talent or gifts. They are a testament to the power of the Holy Spirit working through you, in spite of the fact that you're a sinful human.

Pastors sin. Church leaders sin. Ministers sin. Priests sin. But as leaders, they cause incredible heartache, disillusionment, pain, and anger when their congregants learn of some sort of secret sin like an affair.

Part of that is our fault as congregants. We have to keep things in perspective. There is only ONE person who has ever lived a sinless life. That person is Jesus. Aside from Him, pastors and leaders will sin. Hopefully not in big ways like adulterous affairs, but still they are flawed and prone to stumble.

Keys to protecting our spiritual leaders.

There are things that need to happen to help keep pastors and leaders from big falls.
-Pray for your leaders.
-Pastors, get into an accountability group with other leaders/pastors/elders.
-Church leaders, put boundaries and guidelines in place to help protect your leaders (for example, no two people of the opposite gender should ever be alone together unless they are married)...boundaries like that will help to keep your pastors above reproach.
-Pair up females in need of counseling or prayer with females in your church and males with males.
-Be proactive with these and other boundaries that will keep your leaders free from temptation.

If they do fall.

First, I know it happens more often than we'd like to admit. But, please respond with grace. Please be willing to help to restore those who are truly repentant. Create stronger boundaries and greater accountability.  Forgive. It is painful for everyone involved. But the beauty on the other side of a destructive situation can bring God glory.

Do I Actually Love My Wife?

I Love You

"Words, words, words" Hamlet (2.2)

The words are so easy to say. As Americans, we toss the word "love" around like it's as common as an article; a, an, the.

We exhaust the use of it, to the point that the word seems to hold no value at all. 

Ice cream? Love it. Tax refund? I love getting one. The new Star Wars films? LOVE them! Hanging up the phone with any given family member. Love you.

You already know the list goes on and on.

So, in essence, our loose and most common definition of 'love' is really nothing more than an intense fondness, or an upgraded liking of something.

I appreciate the ancient Greek language. There were different words for different kinds of love.

I'm not going to jump into a Greek lesson or sermon right now, but rather focus on the love I have for my wife, as well as her struggle to believe my English-language words, I love you.

Whenever I tell my wife that I love her these days, I don't just blurt out the words in a placating, meaningless, or dismissive way. I make efforts to be intentional with my tone and tenderness. I hold her hand, look her in the eyes, and I speak directly to her. 

Unfortunately, as I began to explain in my post, "What's So Difficult About Restoration?" this is truly challenging. I hurt my wife deeply. Trust was broken - not just the kind of trust when she wonders if I'm really going to the places I've told her I'm going. No. That kind of trust is easier to reestablish than the kind I'm working on rebuilding right now.

When I tell my wife that I love her, she usually responds like this, "I hope so." That kills me. I wish I could open my chest and show her the sincerity of my heart. 

I spent a long time constructing complex lies. I lied when I told myself, "I never really loved her to begin with." LIE. You might not believe how common it is for cheaters to speak those words. Honestly, you probably never really loved yourself very much, but you did love your spouse. Why else would you have spent so much time, and taken so much care to pursue your spouse in the first place? Why would you walk into a wedding ceremony, where the intent is to commit the rest of your life to this person, for better or for worse? You wouldn't. Not unless you were, or are completely insane. You've got to read this post, "In Case of Emergency." 

I might write a post about the lies cheaters tell their spouse, the lies they tell themself, the lies they tell their family and friends, and the lies they follow hook-line-and-sinker. It's not a laughing matter, but it's almost laughable the way cheaters believe their circumstance is unique and tell others, "You have no idea what it's like in my situation." The truth is, the stories, circumstances, and situations are so similar, it's sobering. The lies can be traced back to one source: "the Father of lies" (John 8:44).

"Ay, sir; to be honest, as this world goes, is to be one man picked out of ten thousand" Hamlet (2.2).

Here are a couple of thoughts from the Bible on the subject of lying.

"The LORD detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy" (Proverbs 12:22).

"The righteous hate what is false, but the wicked make themselves a stench and bring shame on themselves" (Proverbs 13:5).

You see, the stench I've brought on myself are the very words I speak. My credibility is shaky at best. My wife wants to believe me, but out of the depths of self-preservation, she still needs to protect herself. 

She loves me. She stands by my side. I love her. I stand by her side. 

The only difference is that without a doubt, I know she fully loves me. 

I will remain by her side for the rest of my life. I hope and pray that my continued actions will give solid proof to my words. 

Honey, I love you with all of my heart!!! ALWAYS. FOREVER.

What Do I Do Now?

WHAT NOW?
 
I've received so many questions from people asking what they should do now. The questions range from "I've forgiven him/her, now what?" to "We are staying together, but we just don't know how to put this behind us and move forward." to "How do I love him/her again?" and everything in between.

First of all, God bless you for choosing forgiveness. This is God's plan and desire for you. God is pro-restoration. We see that message played out all through history - from the first moment of disobedience and broken relationship between God and man in the Garden of Eden, to the Israelites continually turning their backs on God and then experiencing restoration, to the overall picture of a fallen humanity being offered grace and redemption through the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross. God prefers restoration over broken relationships and divorce. In fact, God "hates divorce" (Malachi 2:16). He also only allowed divorce in situations of infidelity because of the hardness of our hearts (Matthew 19:8, Mark 10:5).

Those of you who feel completely numb, broken, and hurt beyond anything you've ever imagined know firsthand why it's easy for a heart to become hardened in situations of infidelity.

Let's flip it around for a moment and take the spotlight off of the one who caused the pain in your relationship. Take a moment to hold up a mirror and ponder your own life and choices for a moment. You might think, How dare you do this to me?!? I was the one who was cheated on!!! Hold on a moment, don't get riled up yet. I just want to put things in perspective. Yes you've been hurt. Yes it never should have happened. Yes it's inexcusable. But, let's consider who Jesus died for.

All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. (Romans 3:23)
Christ died for the ungodly. (Romans 5:6b)
But God demonstrates his own love for us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)
It is by grace you have been saved, through faith and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God. (Ephesians 2:8)
For God so loved the world that he sent his only son, that whoever believes in him will not perish but have everlasting life. (John 3:16)
 
You see, even though you might not have ever done something as painful as cheating or betraying your spouse, you still have fallen short of God's glory. Romans 5:6 calls us "ungodly" before our relationship with Him was ever restored. Even before you knew Him, when you were guilty of having a sinful nature, He chose to sacrifice His only son, Jesus, so that your relationship could be restored with Him. If you follow Jesus and profess Him as your Lord and Savior, you have been forgiven. You have been accepted into an eternal royal family, "Now if we are children, then we are heirs-heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ" (Romans 8:17).

Does that help a little bit? Does it help knowing that we all are guilty and rightly headed for God's judgment without His forgiveness? I hope it puts things into perspective a little bit.

There's also the danger that Jesus warned of in Matthew 6:15, Mark 11:26, and Matthew 18:35, that God will not forgive those who cannot forgive. What a problem that creates - someone accepts the free gift of salvation/grace/forgiveness from a Holy God, but then in-turn refuses to offer forgiveness to others because they are too hurt, hardened, or stubborn to do so. Does that sound harsh? I don't think so when considering the grace that's been extended to all of humanity. Think about this - Jesus even loves and died for ISIS, jihadists, terrorists, Hitler, cheaters, liars, murderers, pedophiles, child rapists, and every other hideous type of person you can imagine. I'm not saying all of those people/types accept His offer of forgiveness, but nevertheless He died for them to have the opportunity to be forgiven. He is willing to restore anyone into a loving relationship with Him, if only they will repent and seek His forgiveness.

There is also a pride and entitlement factor in refusing to forgive someone else. It's the mindset of "I deserve and I am worthy of God's grace because I'm not that bad. I can't fully forgive and move forward because this person doesn't deserve it. They've done something too wrong and painful to me." James 4:6 says, "But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: 'God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.'" It takes great humility to truly forgive and love a person who has done a great wrong to you. But that is precisely what God wants you to do.

Keeping that in mind, can you look into the eyes of the one who betrayed you and truly say, "I love you. It hurts, but I truly love you."

MOVING FORWARD

So, in practicality, take this moment and say to your spouse, "We will move forward. It hurts. It's difficult. But we will move forward." 

ADDITIONAL SUPPORT

Find support in your local church. Make sure you're in a solid-Biblically based, uncompromising church that believes Jesus is indeed exactly who He claimed to be (the only way to God). "I am the way, the truth, and the life: no one comes to the Father except through me" (John 14:6).

If your spouse needs help, find a Celebrate Recovery program in your area. CR is a Christ-Centered recovery program for any and all addictions. Here is their website: http://www.celebraterecovery.com/

Cleaning Out My Closet

I’ve mentioned before in previous posts that certain things- songs, places, whatever, can trigger negative memories for my wife. The post that gets into the most detail about this subject is called, "Forgiveness Can't Forget."  I can’t imagine the inner turmoil she must have suffered, walking through our house and sleeping in our bed through our process of restoration. It must have been agonizing. I soiled our home. I violated the serenity of our bedroom. I desecrated our bed. I created memories with another female, using items that belonged to “us.” I used “our” things to facilitate and to destroy the sanctity of our marriage.

Although we’ve redone a few things (new carpet, new bathroom tile…), there were still a couple of items left in our home (aside from the house itself) that caused negative feelings to emerge within my wife. One of those items was a set of sheets from “around that time.” The other thing was our bed frame. I threw the sheets into a pile of ‘donation stuff’ a couple of months ago and sent it away. But the bedframe was something my wife suggested that we move into the playroom (which had recently been converted into a guestroom).

I didn’t want anything in our house that could possibly trigger any more negative memories as we move forward, so I disassembled the bedframe. I then dragged it out to the curb and called the city sanitation truck for a bulky item pickup. I suppose it’s rather fitting for a garbage truck to come and dispose of that bedframe.

I consider my wife to be THE MOST AMAZING Godly woman I’ve ever met. Am I saying she’s perfect? Absolutely not. What I am saying though, is that she has taken God’s command to truly forgive, and lived it out.

The Bible tells us, if we forgive others, our Heavenly Father will forgive us – BUT if we do NOT forgive others, then God will NOT forgive us (Mark 11:25-26, Matthew 6:14-15). Maybe that’s one of the reasons it’s so incredibly difficult to be a genuine follower of Christ. Forgiveness is not easy, but by the grace of God, my wife chose to forgive.

I remember calling her names when she first told me that she forgave me. I called her “desperate” and “weak.” I told her that she didn’t have the courage to live without me. I loathed myself and I wanted her to give me the kind of hatred I deserved (according to the world’s standard).

I was using the language of the enemy – the father of lies. My wife was not weak in the slightest. She could have handled and managed life if we had ended up divorced. But instead, she chose the most difficult path. She chose to submit her fears, worries, pain, and any potential for weakness to Christ Jesus. That was the most powerful, strength-filled decision she could have possibly made.

Because of the way she chose to respond, I was given an incredible gift. I had been set free. I had been given much grace, love, and forgiveness. Once I received it, I then had the potential to love and forgive others in great ways. Jesus said, “whoever has been forgiven little loves little” (Luke 7:47b). I now walk through life with the potential to love and forgive in unending ways because of the way I experienced His forgiveness through the actions of my wife.

In reality, we all have that same potential. Remember, “God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). That means before we were even aware of our sin – before we were aware of the fact that we were offending and sinning against God – He sent Jesus to pay the price for our sin with His death on the cross. None of us has been forgiven little. We all have been offered the opportunity to be forgiven much.

The major difference between the forgiveness we experience between each other vs. the forgiveness we experience from God is the memory of the event. As human beings, we may offer forgiveness, but we can’t truly forget. We can forgive and move forward, but the memories remain. This presents a challenge in relationships as intimate as a husband and wife. That’s why I’ve tried to remove old reminders as best as I can, but it will never be enough. If we move to another house, we’ll still have the city, the state, and the specific places that trigger certain memories. If we move to another state, we’ll still have names, songs, or some other unforeseen ‘thing’ that could trigger a painful memory at any given time.

God has the ability to completely remove the stains and memories of our sins permanently. The Bible says, “For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more” (Hebrews 8:12). Isaiah 43:25 tells us, “I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.”  There is also the vivid description of God casting our sins “into the depths of the sea” (Micah 7:19).

What a beautiful concept to carry around in life! We don’t have to get rid of old reminders of our sinful past. Once we “confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). We don’t have to clean out our closet, or our bedroom, or anything. Why? Because “if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” (2 Corinthians 5:17). We don’t have to clean anything out, because we are made completely new! This isn’t a donation of old stuff. This isn’t a new coat of paint to hide the grime underneath. This is complete transformation.

Go out and walk in that for a while.

Blessings to you!

In Case of Emergency...

It's not if, It's when

I ride a motorcycle. I've never crashed or "gone down," yet. People say this all the time, "It isn't a question of if you're going down, it's a question of when."

So apparently, there's no getting around it. Eventually, one day, I'm going down on my bike. Because I have this awareness, I need to be prepared to the best of my ability both physically and mentally.

The Honeymoon Doesn't Last Forever

When a couple takes their vows on their wedding day, they don't actually believe the bad times will in fact accompany the good times. They can't fathom that sickness will ever occur, but only abundant health. They can't imagine that there will ever be times of financial need. And they certainly can't wrap their minds around the fact that their blissful celebration will ever eventually lead to arguments, discontent, and dare I say the deterioration of their feelings of love for one another.

Newlyweds - Fiancés and Fiancées -  Boyfriends and Girlfriends - and anyone else in-between: The 'It'll never happen to me' syndrome is a fabrication in your own mind. Feelings come and go. Happiness is a fleeting emotion that is subjective to any number of random factors at any given time. So the fact of the matter is, all star-crossed lovers will eventually have feelings that fade. It's not if, it's a matter of when.

Something Better than Happiness

Joy, my friends, is a much deeper and potentially unchanging anchor that can carry you through the longest deserts when temporal feelings of giddy-butterfly-filled-infatuation have long since dried up and withered away. The Bible teaches us to consider it "pure joy...whenever [we] face trials of many kinds" (James 1:2).

You see, joy is substantial. Happiness is fleeting and ever-changing.

If someone randomly hands me a $5 bill, I'm happy. Now the moment is gone and so is the happiness. It's that quick. Happiness is like a pleasant hiccup in my day. Sometimes it can happen several times per day, other times it might not happen at all.

Why?

Because happiness can lead us to believe that whatever triggered our positive response somehow equates to true satisfaction and fulfillment. The Apostle Paul wrote a popularly misquoted verse, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13). In context, he was writing about how he had endured both good times and bad. He had experienced hunger as well as times of plenty. Through all things and in all situations, he learned to be content (v. 11) because of his faith and hope in Christ Jesus. Therefore, he could endure all things through the power of Christ Jesus.

I hear this all the time, "I've fallen out of love." I even devoted a post to that subject entitled, "I've Fallen Out of Love." Many people use that excuse to justify either cheating or filing for divorce. Part of that comes from the ignorance of not understanding that love is truly much deeper than a skin-deep feeling.

It's better to tell you now; at some point in your marriage, you will experience a shift and change in your feelings for your spouse. Those changes will no longer feel like the initial so-called "in love" infatuation we all experience when a relationship is new. FYI: THIS IS NORMAL!!! 

Why?

Because feelings come and go. That's just the way it is. But does this mean that you don't love your spouse just because your feelings of infatuation have changed? Absolutely not. The feelings of infatuation erode to make room for a deeper and more mature mutual-submission, oneness, and love. There's a great book called, "Every Man's Marriage" where Fred Stoeker thoroughly examines the Biblical teachings of marital oneness, love, and mutual-submission to one's spouse. That book is a must read for any married man (or man who wants to one day get married).

How to Prepare

So now that you understand it's not a matter of if, but rather when, it's time to prepare.

This is not a fix-all solution. This is not an all-encompassing "I have all the answers" self-proclaimed-guruish kind of thing. This is simply a tool to help you focus. This is one tool out of many that can help you during a time of distress.  Here is a link to several other resources that provide amazing Biblical and Godly support for husbands, wives, and families: Forgiven Cheater Resources.

More than likely we have all seen something similar to the image at the top with the label, "Break Glass in Case of Emergency." I'd like to propose that you create your own 'break in case of emergency' box for your spouse.

Step 1.

Seclude yourself for an hour or so. Bring along something to write with and on. Begin to write out all of the things that you love and enjoy about your spouse/or soon-to-be spouse. Include the situation surrounding the first time you met. Be descriptive - include colors, sounds, smells, temperature, everything you can think of. Write out all of your favorite things about your spouse - be specific - include every detail from the contagious effect of their laughter, to the way they wear their hair, to the kindness they exhibit to strangers...whatever it is that YOU love about them. Include everything! Omit no detail. Make sure you have fully written down everything that captivated you in the first place.

Step 2.

Fold up, roll up, wrap up, do whatever you need to do with the things you've written down to securely seal into a box, canister, or container of some kind.

Step 3.

Pray. Pray for your spouse. Thank God for the unique traits and characteristics He designed your spouse to have. Ask for His love and protection to cover your marriage. (BTW - please continue to pray for and with your spouse on a daily basis even after this preparation is behind you).

Step 4.

Put this treasured box of descriptions somewhere safe. Leave it alone. Then go about your daily life with your spouse.

Step 5.

When the day comes that your feelings begin to change, and you potentially even ask yourself if you've fallen out of love...GET THE BOX! Take that box out of hiding and break it open. Spend another hour or more alone with the descriptions you've carefully written out. Spend some time praying for your marriage and for your spouse (in addition to the daily prayer you've already been faithfully keeping up with).

Step 6.

Take your spouse somewhere special and share the things you've written out about them. You don't need to share everything if you don't want to, but at least share some of the highlights. This will remind you of the treasure God has blessed you with as you look them in the eye and speak words of affirmation to them. In turn, it will also bless your spouse tremendously as they hear the words of validation that you've written about them.

P.S. Do this today. Don't wait until you're in panic mode.

We Are Getting Divorced

The Text I Received From A Friend

Please pray for healing for us. We are getting divorced. We made a mistake getting married.

My Response Was This

I'm so sorry to hear that. We will continue to pray for you.

My Gut-Reaction

First of all dear friend, my prayer for you is that you will find the courage and grace to mend your marriage. I am sick on the inside. This epidemic of "WE MADE A MISTAKE GETTING MARRIED" has to come to an end. Remember, I said the exact same words to my wife - as I alluded to in my post, "I've Fallen Out Of Love." Our marriage has struggles, yes - but I am passionately in love with my wife. I never dreamed that I would ever be so completely satisfied and joyful in any relationship.

A Message To The Voices In Our Culture

All of you placaters and politically correct water-downers who have some kind of fear of speaking the truth - STOP. Stop placating. Stop watering down situations and helping to further the destruction of marriages, while turning your backs on the beauty of forgiveness. Stop encouraging people that there's somebody better out there. Stop telling people that they deserve better. Stop fostering the idea that a mistake had been made in the marriage.

Learn to speak the TRUTH in love, so that we can grow and mature in Christ (Eph 4:13).

We need to take collective responsibility for the epidemic of divorce and broken homes in our country.

Here Are The Three Sections Of My Friend's Text

Please Pray For Healing For Us.

Absolutely. Will do. Already on it. I prayed this morning before I even asked him how things were going. I prayed after I received his text. I am praying as I type. I will continue to pray as the hours and days pass in the future.

What am I praying for? Healing that looks like this: Forgiveness, Grace, Humility, Brokenness spilling into new life, RESTORATION.

Why am I praying for these things? Because it is what I am called to do. Because it is the WILL OF GOD. Because it is the right thing to do. MOST IMPORTANTLY - because it is feasible, plausible, and unarguably possible through Christ Jesus. My marriage is a living testament to that claim.

We Are Getting Divorced.

This is the popular track to follow. This seems easiest. End it all. Chalk this one up to experience. Live and learn. Cool. Let's throw a divorce party and move onward & upward!! (Yes, there is a growing trend of divorce parties, much like bachelor and bachelorette parties with people/businesses turning quite a profit.)

Things WILL NOT get better. Psychology Today reports, "67% of second, and 73% of third marriages end in divorce." TIME devoted an entire article to the subject, noting, "the replacement...doesn't actually restore the family."

So I ask you why. Why are you getting divorced? You can't take the heat? That's what up-close and personal relationships are like. Things get heated. Situations get uncomfortable. Sometimes people seem unbearable with their annoying traits and nagging voices and all the other things that drive you up the wall...wait...what about when the camera is flipped around? What does your spouse see in you? All of your flaws/annoying traits/blemishes.... BECAUSE WE ARE ALL FLAWED. Remember this, "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Rom 3:23). The only perfect person is the Lord Jesus Christ. That's because He is God in the flesh. We can never measure up to that level of perfection.

Marriages are a direct reflection of the relationship between Christ Jesus and the church. "We all, like sheep have gone astray" (Isa 53:6). We all have been unfaithful to our God, over and over and over again. And yet, God demonstrated His love for us "while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Rom 5:8). Do you see that? When we were busy offending and snubbing God, Jesus DIED for us, in our place - He took our sin on Himself and gave us the opportunity to be made righteous and sinless in His sight. What does that mean? It means, He enabled forgiveness and restoration.

The three basic ideas of a marriage are this: 

1. Two separate people become one (Mk 10:8, Gen 2:24, Eph 5:31, Matt 19:5). Get it? Two sinful, selfish people with their own flawed egos enter into a relationship that was designed to last a lifetime.

2. A wife is supposed to submit to her husband (Eph 5:22-23). That means all of her hopes, dreams, and desires are to be submitted to her husband.

3. A husband is supposed to love his wife in the same way that Christ loved the church (Eph 5:25). That means, a husband is supposed to sacrificially lay down his life for his wife.

If those three basic idea were truly followed, there would never be divorce. There would be no abuse. There would be no infidelity. There would be no conflict. There would be no issue. There would be no epidemic. Why? Because there would be equal submission. There would be equal sacrifice.

We Made A Mistake Getting Married

No you didn't. You were madly in love with each other. You couldn't stand to be apart. You constantly thought about one another. Your heart raced when you first met. You wrote songs about your love. You spent time writing to each other, expressing your heartfelt passionate words of love.

You made mistakes along the way. Some of those mistakes hurt deeply.

You're making a mistake by getting divorced.

Stay the course, even when it feels difficult. Remember the vows you so freely spoke? Through good times, and bad...till death do us part... These aren't the best of times. But you vowed to stand together. You made great efforts to express your love. It's time to do that again. It's time to look into each other's eyes and see what Christ Jesus saw when He willingly laid down His life for you.

Put all selfish desires and ambitions to death. Put your spouse's needs first. Love unconditionally. Love without fail. Persist and pursue your love with relentless ambition.

I will continue to pray for you.

Life Returns to a New "Normal"

Life Will Return to a New "Normal"

I've mainly posted examples, thoughts, and experiences of mine that have to do with the challenges, struggles, and emotions that go along with the decision to restore a marriage after infidelity has occurred.

Our story needs to be told. People need to hear that there is hope for a marriage, even in the most dire and heartbreaking situations. The common and popular "solution" of divorce, is not the only option. Divorce doesn't solve anything in most situations. Usually it complicates matters. It divides lives. It tears people apart. It shakes the foundation of children's complete existence. People will tell you, "Don't worry about it, kids are resilient." Well, guess what? Children suffer tremendously when their parents get divorced. Don't believe me? Check out this article: How Could Divorce Affect My Kids?

In light of that, I also wanted to give a glimpse into the daily routine of my life. I wanted to let those of you who are considering restoration, or beginning the restoration process see that life will one day again return to normal. The seemingly insurmountable storm standing before you does not represent everything you are going to face.

Yes, you will face sorrow, regret, depression, anger, frustration, and possibly even a small taste of insanity. BUT, you will also face happiness, joy, laughter, wonderment, good times, and even the "normal' day-to-day kinds of routines you once knew.

I Am Not Who I Once Was

There will be one distinct and unshakeable fact that is quite different than before. You will have stepped into a deeper realm of awareness, maturity, humility, and wisdom that you never knew existed. The phrase, "I'm not the person I once was," always seemed so annoying to me whenever I heard anyone say that before. Now, I can attest that it is truly possible to change. I am not who I was before.  Most importantly, this process of healing, forgiveness, and restoration could not have happened without Christ Jesus. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" (2 Corinthians 5:17).

A Day In the Life of a Forgiven Cheater

The alarm goes off. I grab the phone and opened the Our Daily Bread app. I'm not perfectly consistent, but I am trying to be intentional with morning devotions and prayer with my wife.

I dawdle around in the bedroom as my wife heads downstairs to make breakfast.

I make my way to the children's bedrooms and wake them up. 

We all head down to help out with breakfast and morning chores.

During breakfast, we have to intervene in an argument between one of our older boys and one of our younger boys. The situation quickly changes gears to a couple of jokes and some laughter. The topic shifts again to ideas about the day's itinerary.

Throughout the day, I hug my wife and kiss her a few random times. I do have a deeper appreciation for her now. When I look at her and realize I could have lost her because of my own stupidity, I am so thankful that she's still here and that she still loves me.

We run errands, go shopping for a few grocery items, and even walk aimlessly through a mall, as I try to distract my wife's attention from some of the Home Goods/Pier One types of stores. I hate going into those places.

Later in the evening, we try to leave the house after the kids are in bed. We coax the older kids into "babysitting duty," with nothing more than the freedom to play video games into the late hours of the night.

I give my wife a ride on the motorcycle into a decent L.A. shopping area. Motorcycle rides on date nights are fun. We grabbed some frozen yogurt and then caught a late night movie.

Almost nothing was discussed about the past, the affairs, trust, sadness, or anything else other than regular everyday 'stuff.'

You see? Life can be normal once again. Take heart. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. 

Rebuilding Trust

Many elements are included in the process of restoration, but the absolute most important element is that of rebuilding of trust.

My wife has said on many occasions that being cheated on is the worst kind of pain anyone can experience. She has articulated it like this,

     My heart felt like it had been ripped out. I gave you all of me - my heart, my commitment, my
     love, my devotion, and my full trust. I was betrayed on so many levels. I felt sick to my stomach.
     I couldn't eat for days. I questioned my own worth and value as a person. I prayed and asked
     God to allow me to die, so that you could have exactly what you wanted.

When I hear those words, I am not only ashamed and filled with remorse, but also completely disgusted with myself. Self-loathing is something I have to fight against. I am no longer in the midst of my sin. I have fully repented, and need to constantly remember, "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Romans 8:1).

Sometimes I wish I was her new man. Someone who could hold her and listen to the stories of that other jerk-idiot-fool who had done those terrible things to her. I wish I could run into him in a dark alley, and pound his face in. The biggest burden I have to carry, is that I do run into him everyday- every time I look into the mirror.

Learning to see ourselves in a new light, as forgiven and blameless, with our identity and value anchored in Christ Jesus is another post for another day. I just needed to get that out.

The following ideas are not flawless and perfect. They are simply based on the ones that we've implemented in our restoration process. I would highly encourage you (those of you who are rebuilding and restoring your own relationships) to consider implementing these into your process. Also, please share any other ideas that you might have.

SECRECY/TRANSPARENCY

No secrets. Period. In a marriage, you are two individual people who have come together as one (Mark 10:8, Ephesians 5:31, Genesis 2:24). No secret bank accounts, separate bank accounts, separate vacations, separate plans for the future, goals and visions for your life that directly conflict with those of your spouse...and feel free to add any other number of things to this list.

All emails, phones, online accounts, anything requiring a password should be accessible by your spouse. Your spouse is your intimate ally, not an enemy from whom you are withholding information. This isn't some kind of prison warden all-access pass that requires constant monitoring. This is an opportunity for you to say to your spouse, "Every conversation, every account, every activity that I choose to partake in will honor you and our relationship. I have nothing to hide from you. Feel free to look and see whenever you like. You'll never find anything that hurts you, or compromises our relationship."

Leave your phone out in the open. Hand it to your spouse when you walk in the door. Don't ever take it into the bathroom with you. Keep it in a different room - other than your bedroom. Have limits as to when you access your phone. Keep work hours as work hours. Be present with your spouse when you are home. Limit your phone & internet usage when at home - and especially when you are out with your spouse at dinner, or on a date night.

LOCATIONS

Smartphones have location services. iPhones have a great app called "Find my iPhone." ENABLE IT. Allow your spouse to ALWAYS know where you are, and be able to verify it. Send your location via text. Be where you say you're going to be. Have integrity. Again, this isn't about giving your spouse unnecessary police-esque kinds of duties over you. This is about rebuilding their trust and confidence in you. This is about rebuilding the validity and trustworthiness of your word.

FACEBOOK/SOCIAL MEDIA

First thing - right off the bat - DELETE ANY AND ALL Facebook "friends" who are "exes" of yours, or people that you've had a past relationship with. Even if it's that cute girl who was your first crush in 1st Grade. It will not benefit your marriage in any way whatsoever. Remember the marriage vows you took, "Forsaking all others"? Cut off all contact with all of the people who fit into that category. You do not owe them an explanation. You do not need to worry about their feelings. Your only mission is to fight for and to protect your spouse.

Another idea is to eliminate individuality: Mike Smith's profile and Jane Smith's profile - eliminate one and combine the two. I know you've seen them every once in a while: MikeandJane Smith. One profile, one union, one intent.

FRIENDSHIPS/RELATIONSHIPS

All relationships with members of the opposite gender should be either cut off completely, or reduced to the level of acquaintance only. I'm not talking about close family members, but anyone outside of the family. If you are friends with another couple, it's fine for you to have a friendly conversation with both people, but never outside of that setting. Meaning, under no circumstances ever, should you have a private conversation that can't be monitored by your spouse with a member of the opposite gender (email, text, phone call, in-person...etc).

After that, you need to sit down with your spouse and talk about any other relationships that bring about a concern. If your spouse has concerns with any of your friends of the same gender, you need to discuss that in a civil manner. Listen to the concerns your spouse has about each person. Try and see it from their perspective.

INTEGRITY SOFTWARE

There are apps for your computer and smartphone that can not only filter sexually explicit content, but also provide accountability. XXXChurch is a site that provides tools to help with porn/sex addiction, as well as a free app that can be added to your computer or mobile devices.

There are other filters and apps that provide some accountability, but XXXChurch is Christ-centered. I encourage you to check them out and see which ones will work for your situation.

These are some ideas to help get you started. I don't know your personal situation, but I do know that at the heart of the issue trust and integrity are key.