She's Smiling More

SHE'S SMILING MORE

We are nearing the 5 year mark. At this point, we have gone through 5 years of concentrated efforts, prayer, forgiveness, moving forward, facing points that trigger instant memories and pain to emerge, emotional ups and downs and everything in between. 

Nearly 5 years since I confessed to EVERYTHING I'd ever done in secret. 

Nearly 5 years since I filed for divorce.

Nearly 5 years since I shattered my wife to the core with the devastating news that I'd been unfaithful more than once.

Nearly 5 years since I told my wife not to pray for me because there was "No way my heart would change."

Nearly 5 years since I ripped up the divorce papers and vowed never to use that word in our marriage again.

Nearly 5 years since I asked for forgiveness and we began to rebuild our broken relationship.

Many years ago, I used to pray and ask God to make my wife into someone who was interested in Him more - someone who prays - someone who wants to read the Bible with me - someone to partner with me, keeping Christ Jesus at the center of our relationship. Of course I resented that when I was living out my sinful choices.

Recently (meaning since the point we began to work towards restoration), my prayer had been for her to heal. I would ask that God would soften her heart from all of the hurt I caused. 

Both prayers were answered. During the worst moments of our marriage - the darkest hours - she became a pillar of faith. She embraced me the way that Jesus would embrace any sinner confessing and repenting. She prayed like a warrior for my heart to change. She prayed for the redemption of my soul.

The second prayer has been answered over the last year or so. She has become lighthearted. She smiles more and more. Her laughter lightens the burden from my shoulders. I love to see her stepping out of her shell again. The silliness and love for life has returned to the spirit of my sweetheart. Her laughter and smile are infectious and so incredibly beautiful.

I look back with shame into the darkened hallways of my past, but I remember to keep my eyes fixated on my Rock and my Redeemer, Christ Jesus. In Him, all hope is found (Ephesians 2:8-10; 2 Corinthians 4:16-18). Everything can be restored. Everything can be made new (Revelation 21:5). 

Moses (the author attributed to Deuteronomy) was writing to the people of Israel, reminding them to keep their covenant with God. I can relate to the sentiment contained in the following words -

When you and your children return to the LORD your God and obey him with all your heart and with all your soul according to everything I command you today, then the LORD your God will restore your fortunes and have compassion on you and gather you again from all the nations where he scattered you. Even if you have been banished to the most distant land under the heavens, from there the LORD your God will gather you and bring you back. He will bring you back to the land that belonged to your ancestors, and you will take possession of it. He will make you more prosperous and numerous than your ancestors. The LORD your God will circumcise your hearts and the hearts of your descendants, so that you may love him with all of your heart and with all of your soul, and live.

Deuteronomy 30:2-6

My wife and I, as a covenantally-connected couple, in unity, returned to God. We aren't rich by a long shot, but the fortune and blessing of a wonderful marriage has been restored. We were scattered and now we are unified. I metaphorically banished my wife - I too wandered in the distant lands away from God's grace, but He has gathered us back together and now we LIVE, we THRIVE with absolute joy. I am not saying that life is easy. We still face the daily challenges of living in a sinful and broken world, but we face it together.

I wanted to share this post as a beacon of encouragement to those who might think their situation is hopeless.

The Reason This Blog Exists

I Have a Motive Here

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing...Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away...And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

                               1 Corinthians 13:1-13

Some of the points I'm trying to make with my story are to give hope, to encourage, to strengthen, and to point people in the direction of God's restorative truth. 

I've shared quite a bit of our painful journey so far. I've connected with many people who have expressed their thankfulness to know that someone else has gone through similar things and experienced healing and redemption in their marriage. 

I've made personal phone calls to various readers, connecting them with Christian marriage counselors. 

I've written many emails to readers who were thankful that I took the time to speak with them and to pray for them.

While I do want your marriage to heal, and for you to see the power of forgiveness, it would be useless if I did so without love.

I'm not telling you this in a boastful way. I'm telling you in order to make a point.

Everything my wife and I have done with this blog and with all of the connections we've made in order to support and to encourage, would be meaningless if we did not have love.

The underlying purpose behind everything we do here is because we love you.

I want you to hear and to absorb that right now. I love you. My wife loves you. We don't know you, but we understand and feel the heartache you've experienced. We don't want you to walk this journey alone. 

Do I Actually Love My Wife?

I Love You

"Words, words, words" Hamlet (2.2)

The words are so easy to say. As Americans, we toss the word "love" around like it's as common as an article; a, an, the.

We exhaust the use of it, to the point that the word seems to hold no value at all. 

Ice cream? Love it. Tax refund? I love getting one. The new Star Wars films? LOVE them! Hanging up the phone with any given family member. Love you.

You already know the list goes on and on.

So, in essence, our loose and most common definition of 'love' is really nothing more than an intense fondness, or an upgraded liking of something.

I appreciate the ancient Greek language. There were different words for different kinds of love.

I'm not going to jump into a Greek lesson or sermon right now, but rather focus on the love I have for my wife, as well as her struggle to believe my English-language words, I love you.

Whenever I tell my wife that I love her these days, I don't just blurt out the words in a placating, meaningless, or dismissive way. I make efforts to be intentional with my tone and tenderness. I hold her hand, look her in the eyes, and I speak directly to her. 

Unfortunately, as I began to explain in my post, "What's So Difficult About Restoration?" this is truly challenging. I hurt my wife deeply. Trust was broken - not just the kind of trust when she wonders if I'm really going to the places I've told her I'm going. No. That kind of trust is easier to reestablish than the kind I'm working on rebuilding right now.

When I tell my wife that I love her, she usually responds like this, "I hope so." That kills me. I wish I could open my chest and show her the sincerity of my heart. 

I spent a long time constructing complex lies. I lied when I told myself, "I never really loved her to begin with." LIE. You might not believe how common it is for cheaters to speak those words. Honestly, you probably never really loved yourself very much, but you did love your spouse. Why else would you have spent so much time, and taken so much care to pursue your spouse in the first place? Why would you walk into a wedding ceremony, where the intent is to commit the rest of your life to this person, for better or for worse? You wouldn't. Not unless you were, or are completely insane. You've got to read this post, "In Case of Emergency." 

I might write a post about the lies cheaters tell their spouse, the lies they tell themself, the lies they tell their family and friends, and the lies they follow hook-line-and-sinker. It's not a laughing matter, but it's almost laughable the way cheaters believe their circumstance is unique and tell others, "You have no idea what it's like in my situation." The truth is, the stories, circumstances, and situations are so similar, it's sobering. The lies can be traced back to one source: "the Father of lies" (John 8:44).

"Ay, sir; to be honest, as this world goes, is to be one man picked out of ten thousand" Hamlet (2.2).

Here are a couple of thoughts from the Bible on the subject of lying.

"The LORD detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy" (Proverbs 12:22).

"The righteous hate what is false, but the wicked make themselves a stench and bring shame on themselves" (Proverbs 13:5).

You see, the stench I've brought on myself are the very words I speak. My credibility is shaky at best. My wife wants to believe me, but out of the depths of self-preservation, she still needs to protect herself. 

She loves me. She stands by my side. I love her. I stand by her side. 

The only difference is that without a doubt, I know she fully loves me. 

I will remain by her side for the rest of my life. I hope and pray that my continued actions will give solid proof to my words. 

Honey, I love you with all of my heart!!! ALWAYS. FOREVER.

Rebuilding Trust

Many elements are included in the process of restoration, but the absolute most important element is that of rebuilding of trust.

My wife has said on many occasions that being cheated on is the worst kind of pain anyone can experience. She has articulated it like this,

     My heart felt like it had been ripped out. I gave you all of me - my heart, my commitment, my
     love, my devotion, and my full trust. I was betrayed on so many levels. I felt sick to my stomach.
     I couldn't eat for days. I questioned my own worth and value as a person. I prayed and asked
     God to allow me to die, so that you could have exactly what you wanted.

When I hear those words, I am not only ashamed and filled with remorse, but also completely disgusted with myself. Self-loathing is something I have to fight against. I am no longer in the midst of my sin. I have fully repented, and need to constantly remember, "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Romans 8:1).

Sometimes I wish I was her new man. Someone who could hold her and listen to the stories of that other jerk-idiot-fool who had done those terrible things to her. I wish I could run into him in a dark alley, and pound his face in. The biggest burden I have to carry, is that I do run into him everyday- every time I look into the mirror.

Learning to see ourselves in a new light, as forgiven and blameless, with our identity and value anchored in Christ Jesus is another post for another day. I just needed to get that out.

The following ideas are not flawless and perfect. They are simply based on the ones that we've implemented in our restoration process. I would highly encourage you (those of you who are rebuilding and restoring your own relationships) to consider implementing these into your process. Also, please share any other ideas that you might have.

SECRECY/TRANSPARENCY

No secrets. Period. In a marriage, you are two individual people who have come together as one (Mark 10:8, Ephesians 5:31, Genesis 2:24). No secret bank accounts, separate bank accounts, separate vacations, separate plans for the future, goals and visions for your life that directly conflict with those of your spouse...and feel free to add any other number of things to this list.

All emails, phones, online accounts, anything requiring a password should be accessible by your spouse. Your spouse is your intimate ally, not an enemy from whom you are withholding information. This isn't some kind of prison warden all-access pass that requires constant monitoring. This is an opportunity for you to say to your spouse, "Every conversation, every account, every activity that I choose to partake in will honor you and our relationship. I have nothing to hide from you. Feel free to look and see whenever you like. You'll never find anything that hurts you, or compromises our relationship."

Leave your phone out in the open. Hand it to your spouse when you walk in the door. Don't ever take it into the bathroom with you. Keep it in a different room - other than your bedroom. Have limits as to when you access your phone. Keep work hours as work hours. Be present with your spouse when you are home. Limit your phone & internet usage when at home - and especially when you are out with your spouse at dinner, or on a date night.

LOCATIONS

Smartphones have location services. iPhones have a great app called "Find my iPhone." ENABLE IT. Allow your spouse to ALWAYS know where you are, and be able to verify it. Send your location via text. Be where you say you're going to be. Have integrity. Again, this isn't about giving your spouse unnecessary police-esque kinds of duties over you. This is about rebuilding their trust and confidence in you. This is about rebuilding the validity and trustworthiness of your word.

FACEBOOK/SOCIAL MEDIA

First thing - right off the bat - DELETE ANY AND ALL Facebook "friends" who are "exes" of yours, or people that you've had a past relationship with. Even if it's that cute girl who was your first crush in 1st Grade. It will not benefit your marriage in any way whatsoever. Remember the marriage vows you took, "Forsaking all others"? Cut off all contact with all of the people who fit into that category. You do not owe them an explanation. You do not need to worry about their feelings. Your only mission is to fight for and to protect your spouse.

Another idea is to eliminate individuality: Mike Smith's profile and Jane Smith's profile - eliminate one and combine the two. I know you've seen them every once in a while: MikeandJane Smith. One profile, one union, one intent.

FRIENDSHIPS/RELATIONSHIPS

All relationships with members of the opposite gender should be either cut off completely, or reduced to the level of acquaintance only. I'm not talking about close family members, but anyone outside of the family. If you are friends with another couple, it's fine for you to have a friendly conversation with both people, but never outside of that setting. Meaning, under no circumstances ever, should you have a private conversation that can't be monitored by your spouse with a member of the opposite gender (email, text, phone call, in-person...etc).

After that, you need to sit down with your spouse and talk about any other relationships that bring about a concern. If your spouse has concerns with any of your friends of the same gender, you need to discuss that in a civil manner. Listen to the concerns your spouse has about each person. Try and see it from their perspective.

INTEGRITY SOFTWARE

There are apps for your computer and smartphone that can not only filter sexually explicit content, but also provide accountability. XXXChurch is a site that provides tools to help with porn/sex addiction, as well as a free app that can be added to your computer or mobile devices.

There are other filters and apps that provide some accountability, but XXXChurch is Christ-centered. I encourage you to check them out and see which ones will work for your situation.

These are some ideas to help get you started. I don't know your personal situation, but I do know that at the heart of the issue trust and integrity are key.