Vulnerability is Key

Infidelity is Painful

Thank you Captain Obvious for that heading. The pain experienced not only by the one who is betrayed, but also by the one who has cheated is probably one of the worst kinds of pain a human being can endure. Yes, the one who cheats also experiences pain, shame, guilt, self-loathing and many other secondary negative emotions. If you haven't read the post, "Raw Words From My Wife," from the perspective of one who has been cheated on, I'd encourage you to take a look at the way she's expressed herself.

The Results Leave Us Captive

When a person makes the conscious decision to let their thoughts wander, "If this marriage doesn't work out..." it causes a tiny and almost unnoticeable callous to form on their heart. From there, they begin to fantasize, "If I were married to that person instead..." Their eyes wander, and the construction of small protective stones begins to build up around their heart. The likelihood of an affair is much more possible at this point. Sometimes people can even enter into a marital relationship with stones covering and protecting their hearts from prior hurts. Vulnerability with their spouse isn't even possible anymore because they have sealed it away behind thick, cold layers.

The Bible has wisdom to prevent such things.

I have made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman - Job 31:1

If we made covenants with our eyes not to lust, the 'if this marriage doesn't work out factor' would not enter into the equation.

Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart - 2 Timothy 2:22

If we truly fled from youthful lusts and desires, while pursuing righteousness, an affair would not happen - even within one's mind or thought life.

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord - Ephesians 5:22

If wives submitted themselves fully to their husbands, they wouldn't give in when someone else offers attention or affirmation that might be lacking in their marital relationship.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her - Ephesians 5:25

If husbands sacrificially loved their wives in the same way that Christ Jesus loved the church, they would not allow their minds to even entertain the thought of having sex with another woman. They would never go out of their way to make another woman the object of their desire.

In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church - Ephesians 5:28-29

It's so easy for someone to hear words of wisdom, recognize the truth of those words, and still not apply that wisdom to their own life.

I was captive by a calloused heart. In my deepest heart of hearts, beneath all of the protective layers, I never wanted to be a cheater. I never wanted to be the kind of person who caused another person to experience heart-piercing pain.

Dealing With Vulnerability 

After all was said and done: I confessed, I filed for divorce, my wife continued to pray, my wife chose forgiveness, I ended up recanting the divorce papers, and of course there was still the issue of vulnerability.

In the beginning of our journey to restoration, I was unable to recognize my lack of vulnerability. I was unable to recognize my hidden and protected heart. I was unable to make conscious steps towards full vulnerability.

Through prayer and willful decisions to open myself up to the possibility of being hurt (and that's the major reason for a lack of vulnerability - the desire to protect oneself from being hurt), my heart began to emerge. The calloused layers peeled back.

Where We're At Now

I love my wife with all of my heart! I understand that there is risk when you truly and fully love someone. I understand that I've opened myself up to the potential for deep pain. But this is where trust comes in. I trust my wife not to hurt me. I have made a choice to trust her fully. She has never done anything to violate that trust, but the hurts from my past made that decision difficult.

My wife wants to fully trust me. My wife wants to be fully vulnerable with me. Over the past two years, she has come a long way in that regard. This decision feels dangerous for her, in terms of what my past actions have taught her.

We are moving towards full trust and vulnerability. One day at a time.

Cleaning Out My Closet

I’ve mentioned before in previous posts that certain things- songs, places, whatever, can trigger negative memories for my wife. The post that gets into the most detail about this subject is called, "Forgiveness Can't Forget."  I can’t imagine the inner turmoil she must have suffered, walking through our house and sleeping in our bed through our process of restoration. It must have been agonizing. I soiled our home. I violated the serenity of our bedroom. I desecrated our bed. I created memories with another female, using items that belonged to “us.” I used “our” things to facilitate and to destroy the sanctity of our marriage.

Although we’ve redone a few things (new carpet, new bathroom tile…), there were still a couple of items left in our home (aside from the house itself) that caused negative feelings to emerge within my wife. One of those items was a set of sheets from “around that time.” The other thing was our bed frame. I threw the sheets into a pile of ‘donation stuff’ a couple of months ago and sent it away. But the bedframe was something my wife suggested that we move into the playroom (which had recently been converted into a guestroom).

I didn’t want anything in our house that could possibly trigger any more negative memories as we move forward, so I disassembled the bedframe. I then dragged it out to the curb and called the city sanitation truck for a bulky item pickup. I suppose it’s rather fitting for a garbage truck to come and dispose of that bedframe.

I consider my wife to be THE MOST AMAZING Godly woman I’ve ever met. Am I saying she’s perfect? Absolutely not. What I am saying though, is that she has taken God’s command to truly forgive, and lived it out.

The Bible tells us, if we forgive others, our Heavenly Father will forgive us – BUT if we do NOT forgive others, then God will NOT forgive us (Mark 11:25-26, Matthew 6:14-15). Maybe that’s one of the reasons it’s so incredibly difficult to be a genuine follower of Christ. Forgiveness is not easy, but by the grace of God, my wife chose to forgive.

I remember calling her names when she first told me that she forgave me. I called her “desperate” and “weak.” I told her that she didn’t have the courage to live without me. I loathed myself and I wanted her to give me the kind of hatred I deserved (according to the world’s standard).

I was using the language of the enemy – the father of lies. My wife was not weak in the slightest. She could have handled and managed life if we had ended up divorced. But instead, she chose the most difficult path. She chose to submit her fears, worries, pain, and any potential for weakness to Christ Jesus. That was the most powerful, strength-filled decision she could have possibly made.

Because of the way she chose to respond, I was given an incredible gift. I had been set free. I had been given much grace, love, and forgiveness. Once I received it, I then had the potential to love and forgive others in great ways. Jesus said, “whoever has been forgiven little loves little” (Luke 7:47b). I now walk through life with the potential to love and forgive in unending ways because of the way I experienced His forgiveness through the actions of my wife.

In reality, we all have that same potential. Remember, “God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). That means before we were even aware of our sin – before we were aware of the fact that we were offending and sinning against God – He sent Jesus to pay the price for our sin with His death on the cross. None of us has been forgiven little. We all have been offered the opportunity to be forgiven much.

The major difference between the forgiveness we experience between each other vs. the forgiveness we experience from God is the memory of the event. As human beings, we may offer forgiveness, but we can’t truly forget. We can forgive and move forward, but the memories remain. This presents a challenge in relationships as intimate as a husband and wife. That’s why I’ve tried to remove old reminders as best as I can, but it will never be enough. If we move to another house, we’ll still have the city, the state, and the specific places that trigger certain memories. If we move to another state, we’ll still have names, songs, or some other unforeseen ‘thing’ that could trigger a painful memory at any given time.

God has the ability to completely remove the stains and memories of our sins permanently. The Bible says, “For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more” (Hebrews 8:12). Isaiah 43:25 tells us, “I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.”  There is also the vivid description of God casting our sins “into the depths of the sea” (Micah 7:19).

What a beautiful concept to carry around in life! We don’t have to get rid of old reminders of our sinful past. Once we “confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). We don’t have to clean out our closet, or our bedroom, or anything. Why? Because “if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” (2 Corinthians 5:17). We don’t have to clean anything out, because we are made completely new! This isn’t a donation of old stuff. This isn’t a new coat of paint to hide the grime underneath. This is complete transformation.

Go out and walk in that for a while.

Blessings to you!

We Are Getting Divorced

The Text I Received From A Friend

Please pray for healing for us. We are getting divorced. We made a mistake getting married.

My Response Was This

I'm so sorry to hear that. We will continue to pray for you.

My Gut-Reaction

First of all dear friend, my prayer for you is that you will find the courage and grace to mend your marriage. I am sick on the inside. This epidemic of "WE MADE A MISTAKE GETTING MARRIED" has to come to an end. Remember, I said the exact same words to my wife - as I alluded to in my post, "I've Fallen Out Of Love." Our marriage has struggles, yes - but I am passionately in love with my wife. I never dreamed that I would ever be so completely satisfied and joyful in any relationship.

A Message To The Voices In Our Culture

All of you placaters and politically correct water-downers who have some kind of fear of speaking the truth - STOP. Stop placating. Stop watering down situations and helping to further the destruction of marriages, while turning your backs on the beauty of forgiveness. Stop encouraging people that there's somebody better out there. Stop telling people that they deserve better. Stop fostering the idea that a mistake had been made in the marriage.

Learn to speak the TRUTH in love, so that we can grow and mature in Christ (Eph 4:13).

We need to take collective responsibility for the epidemic of divorce and broken homes in our country.

Here Are The Three Sections Of My Friend's Text

Please Pray For Healing For Us.

Absolutely. Will do. Already on it. I prayed this morning before I even asked him how things were going. I prayed after I received his text. I am praying as I type. I will continue to pray as the hours and days pass in the future.

What am I praying for? Healing that looks like this: Forgiveness, Grace, Humility, Brokenness spilling into new life, RESTORATION.

Why am I praying for these things? Because it is what I am called to do. Because it is the WILL OF GOD. Because it is the right thing to do. MOST IMPORTANTLY - because it is feasible, plausible, and unarguably possible through Christ Jesus. My marriage is a living testament to that claim.

We Are Getting Divorced.

This is the popular track to follow. This seems easiest. End it all. Chalk this one up to experience. Live and learn. Cool. Let's throw a divorce party and move onward & upward!! (Yes, there is a growing trend of divorce parties, much like bachelor and bachelorette parties with people/businesses turning quite a profit.)

Things WILL NOT get better. Psychology Today reports, "67% of second, and 73% of third marriages end in divorce." TIME devoted an entire article to the subject, noting, "the replacement...doesn't actually restore the family."

So I ask you why. Why are you getting divorced? You can't take the heat? That's what up-close and personal relationships are like. Things get heated. Situations get uncomfortable. Sometimes people seem unbearable with their annoying traits and nagging voices and all the other things that drive you up the wall...wait...what about when the camera is flipped around? What does your spouse see in you? All of your flaws/annoying traits/blemishes.... BECAUSE WE ARE ALL FLAWED. Remember this, "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Rom 3:23). The only perfect person is the Lord Jesus Christ. That's because He is God in the flesh. We can never measure up to that level of perfection.

Marriages are a direct reflection of the relationship between Christ Jesus and the church. "We all, like sheep have gone astray" (Isa 53:6). We all have been unfaithful to our God, over and over and over again. And yet, God demonstrated His love for us "while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Rom 5:8). Do you see that? When we were busy offending and snubbing God, Jesus DIED for us, in our place - He took our sin on Himself and gave us the opportunity to be made righteous and sinless in His sight. What does that mean? It means, He enabled forgiveness and restoration.

The three basic ideas of a marriage are this: 

1. Two separate people become one (Mk 10:8, Gen 2:24, Eph 5:31, Matt 19:5). Get it? Two sinful, selfish people with their own flawed egos enter into a relationship that was designed to last a lifetime.

2. A wife is supposed to submit to her husband (Eph 5:22-23). That means all of her hopes, dreams, and desires are to be submitted to her husband.

3. A husband is supposed to love his wife in the same way that Christ loved the church (Eph 5:25). That means, a husband is supposed to sacrificially lay down his life for his wife.

If those three basic idea were truly followed, there would never be divorce. There would be no abuse. There would be no infidelity. There would be no conflict. There would be no issue. There would be no epidemic. Why? Because there would be equal submission. There would be equal sacrifice.

We Made A Mistake Getting Married

No you didn't. You were madly in love with each other. You couldn't stand to be apart. You constantly thought about one another. Your heart raced when you first met. You wrote songs about your love. You spent time writing to each other, expressing your heartfelt passionate words of love.

You made mistakes along the way. Some of those mistakes hurt deeply.

You're making a mistake by getting divorced.

Stay the course, even when it feels difficult. Remember the vows you so freely spoke? Through good times, and bad...till death do us part... These aren't the best of times. But you vowed to stand together. You made great efforts to express your love. It's time to do that again. It's time to look into each other's eyes and see what Christ Jesus saw when He willingly laid down His life for you.

Put all selfish desires and ambitions to death. Put your spouse's needs first. Love unconditionally. Love without fail. Persist and pursue your love with relentless ambition.

I will continue to pray for you.

Life Returns to a New "Normal"

Life Will Return to a New "Normal"

I've mainly posted examples, thoughts, and experiences of mine that have to do with the challenges, struggles, and emotions that go along with the decision to restore a marriage after infidelity has occurred.

Our story needs to be told. People need to hear that there is hope for a marriage, even in the most dire and heartbreaking situations. The common and popular "solution" of divorce, is not the only option. Divorce doesn't solve anything in most situations. Usually it complicates matters. It divides lives. It tears people apart. It shakes the foundation of children's complete existence. People will tell you, "Don't worry about it, kids are resilient." Well, guess what? Children suffer tremendously when their parents get divorced. Don't believe me? Check out this article: How Could Divorce Affect My Kids?

In light of that, I also wanted to give a glimpse into the daily routine of my life. I wanted to let those of you who are considering restoration, or beginning the restoration process see that life will one day again return to normal. The seemingly insurmountable storm standing before you does not represent everything you are going to face.

Yes, you will face sorrow, regret, depression, anger, frustration, and possibly even a small taste of insanity. BUT, you will also face happiness, joy, laughter, wonderment, good times, and even the "normal' day-to-day kinds of routines you once knew.

I Am Not Who I Once Was

There will be one distinct and unshakeable fact that is quite different than before. You will have stepped into a deeper realm of awareness, maturity, humility, and wisdom that you never knew existed. The phrase, "I'm not the person I once was," always seemed so annoying to me whenever I heard anyone say that before. Now, I can attest that it is truly possible to change. I am not who I was before.  Most importantly, this process of healing, forgiveness, and restoration could not have happened without Christ Jesus. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" (2 Corinthians 5:17).

A Day In the Life of a Forgiven Cheater

The alarm goes off. I grab the phone and opened the Our Daily Bread app. I'm not perfectly consistent, but I am trying to be intentional with morning devotions and prayer with my wife.

I dawdle around in the bedroom as my wife heads downstairs to make breakfast.

I make my way to the children's bedrooms and wake them up. 

We all head down to help out with breakfast and morning chores.

During breakfast, we have to intervene in an argument between one of our older boys and one of our younger boys. The situation quickly changes gears to a couple of jokes and some laughter. The topic shifts again to ideas about the day's itinerary.

Throughout the day, I hug my wife and kiss her a few random times. I do have a deeper appreciation for her now. When I look at her and realize I could have lost her because of my own stupidity, I am so thankful that she's still here and that she still loves me.

We run errands, go shopping for a few grocery items, and even walk aimlessly through a mall, as I try to distract my wife's attention from some of the Home Goods/Pier One types of stores. I hate going into those places.

Later in the evening, we try to leave the house after the kids are in bed. We coax the older kids into "babysitting duty," with nothing more than the freedom to play video games into the late hours of the night.

I give my wife a ride on the motorcycle into a decent L.A. shopping area. Motorcycle rides on date nights are fun. We grabbed some frozen yogurt and then caught a late night movie.

Almost nothing was discussed about the past, the affairs, trust, sadness, or anything else other than regular everyday 'stuff.'

You see? Life can be normal once again. Take heart. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.