Life Returns to a New "Normal"

Life Will Return to a New "Normal"

I've mainly posted examples, thoughts, and experiences of mine that have to do with the challenges, struggles, and emotions that go along with the decision to restore a marriage after infidelity has occurred.

Our story needs to be told. People need to hear that there is hope for a marriage, even in the most dire and heartbreaking situations. The common and popular "solution" of divorce, is not the only option. Divorce doesn't solve anything in most situations. Usually it complicates matters. It divides lives. It tears people apart. It shakes the foundation of children's complete existence. People will tell you, "Don't worry about it, kids are resilient." Well, guess what? Children suffer tremendously when their parents get divorced. Don't believe me? Check out this article: How Could Divorce Affect My Kids?

In light of that, I also wanted to give a glimpse into the daily routine of my life. I wanted to let those of you who are considering restoration, or beginning the restoration process see that life will one day again return to normal. The seemingly insurmountable storm standing before you does not represent everything you are going to face.

Yes, you will face sorrow, regret, depression, anger, frustration, and possibly even a small taste of insanity. BUT, you will also face happiness, joy, laughter, wonderment, good times, and even the "normal' day-to-day kinds of routines you once knew.

I Am Not Who I Once Was

There will be one distinct and unshakeable fact that is quite different than before. You will have stepped into a deeper realm of awareness, maturity, humility, and wisdom that you never knew existed. The phrase, "I'm not the person I once was," always seemed so annoying to me whenever I heard anyone say that before. Now, I can attest that it is truly possible to change. I am not who I was before.  Most importantly, this process of healing, forgiveness, and restoration could not have happened without Christ Jesus. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" (2 Corinthians 5:17).

A Day In the Life of a Forgiven Cheater

The alarm goes off. I grab the phone and opened the Our Daily Bread app. I'm not perfectly consistent, but I am trying to be intentional with morning devotions and prayer with my wife.

I dawdle around in the bedroom as my wife heads downstairs to make breakfast.

I make my way to the children's bedrooms and wake them up. 

We all head down to help out with breakfast and morning chores.

During breakfast, we have to intervene in an argument between one of our older boys and one of our younger boys. The situation quickly changes gears to a couple of jokes and some laughter. The topic shifts again to ideas about the day's itinerary.

Throughout the day, I hug my wife and kiss her a few random times. I do have a deeper appreciation for her now. When I look at her and realize I could have lost her because of my own stupidity, I am so thankful that she's still here and that she still loves me.

We run errands, go shopping for a few grocery items, and even walk aimlessly through a mall, as I try to distract my wife's attention from some of the Home Goods/Pier One types of stores. I hate going into those places.

Later in the evening, we try to leave the house after the kids are in bed. We coax the older kids into "babysitting duty," with nothing more than the freedom to play video games into the late hours of the night.

I give my wife a ride on the motorcycle into a decent L.A. shopping area. Motorcycle rides on date nights are fun. We grabbed some frozen yogurt and then caught a late night movie.

Almost nothing was discussed about the past, the affairs, trust, sadness, or anything else other than regular everyday 'stuff.'

You see? Life can be normal once again. Take heart. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. 

Porn is Okay

What? Did you hear me correctly? Yes, I said that porn is okay.

Of course I don't personally believe that to be true. However, apparently it is widely acceptable by many couples. Just this morning I ran across a LMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist) blog that suggested porn is acceptable for a married couple, as long as it's not kept as a secret. This is a FLAT OUT LIE. Todd Creager, the author of the blog, must have missed a couple of key elements about what porn does to a man.

From a non-religious standpoint, porn devalues women, period. Men who view pornography learn to view women as mere objects of sexual gratification. The God-given need for relationship gives way to a consumerist mindset of pure consumption.

I can't speak about the way porn affects a woman when she watches it, but I can tell you how it makes her feel when her husband does.

Luke Gilkerson, author at Covenant Eyes posted statistical facts about porn, including this: "64% of self-identified Christian men and 15% of self-identified Christian women view pornography at least once a month." It's time for us to take each other by the hand, look to Christ, and say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! 

Dr. Grant Mullen says, "A woman whose husband has been viewing pornography experiences no different feelings than if he had had a physical affair. It is just as painful, demoralizing and real."  My wife, who has experienced both aspects (me viewing pornography, as well as physical infidelity) will tell you that they both hurt deeply. Both situations cause a woman to "feel less than good enough. Their self image, self respect, and self worth will have been thrust so far down that you might wonder if they can ever be built back up again" as I said in my post entitled, "Rough Waters."

Geoff Steurer, another LMFT says, "In all of my years of counseling individuals and couples, I have never seen any other behavior produce a pattern of pain and misery as predictable as that which happens to an individual and his marriage when he views pornography."

Jesus tells us that it is a matter of the heart, "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." (Matt 5:28) You see, Jesus, the creator of the universe says that viewing pornography is in fact, CHEATING. There isn't a single man out there who can look me in the eye, and tell me that he's not lusting when he's looking at porn.

From my own experience, I know that pornography played an important role in my own infidelity. It started way back in the early 1980's with an act of innocent curiosity.

Even though my wife and I are on the road to restoration, I've already injured her. What about you? Are you willing to take steps to remain faithful to your spouse? Are you willing to stop viewing porn immediately? Are you willing to help educate those around you about the dangers of pornography?

Here's a great resource called Pink Cross Foundation that helps heal lives from pornography: https://www.thepinkcross.org/

The founder of Pink Cross gives an incredible lecture to high school students in this youtube video: