Our Biggest Obstacle So Far

There is a roadblock in our relationship

This information is good for people who are working towards restoration. If you are experiencing something similar, then by reading this, you know it's normal.

This information is also good for people who are considering cheating on their spouse. I want you to be aware of the layer-upon-layer of pain your actions will cause, even way after the fact within the realm of forgiveness.

It's on my shoulders

I continue to try to be everything, and do everything my wife needs and wants me to be. I have a mental image of the ideal husband floating around in my head, and I can't seem to make myself into him, no matter how hard I try.

One issue is the residual pain and scarring that has built up over the years. My intentions are admirable, but it's not enough. It's almost like trying to give the most incredible back rub of all time to someone with bleeding, open sores on their back. You're rubbing in a way that would feel fantastic under normal circumstances...but the harder you try, the more agitated the sores become. Then you think that applying lotion will somehow help - yeah, you get the picture.

Here it is

Back when I was involved in my final affair, my behavior was erratic. My actions were fueled with the euphoric motivation of the excitement of the affair. I am not using the word 'excitement' in a positive manner. The term 'excitement' in this situation can stand equal to the excitement or adrenaline rush a criminal faces as he's being chased by the cops. It can relate to the thrill a thief experiences as he's opening a package in a store, and stuffing items into his pockets. 

It's very similar to the euphoria associated with new love. These feelings are illusions in a sense. These feelings cannot be maintained over a long period of time. These all-consuming-emotionally-fueled feelings are not normal for everyday life. 

Many people mistakenly think those feelings mean love. Those feelings are NOT love. Those feelings are temporary. Those feelings are short-lived. Those feelings give us a momentary burst of energy, which in turn motivates us toward actions that are out of character (for the most part). 

Let me explain with a couple of examples. 

First, you know when you meet someone for the first time and you get that feeling inside? You know - the feeling that makes you think about the other person nonstop. The feeling that propels you to only show your good side. The feeling that forces you to hide all of your character flaws for as long as possible. The feeling that dissipates rather quickly once you move past the initial attraction and exhaust all of the smalltalk, so there's nothing left to talk about aside from real, raw, and truthful everyday issues. Once that happens, many people notice that the feeling is gone. They equate the absence of the feeling to having fallen out of love.

You know what I'm talking about. You've probably been there. So you behaved in a manner that was out of character for the most part. You put up masks and fronts in order to present the best and most polite version of you possible.

Now I'll give you an example of how I behaved when I had my final affair. I would make excuses to get out of the house in the middle of the night. "I just want to go ride my motorcycle." "I feel like being alone." "I'm an adult, so I can go whenever I feel like it, and I don't have to answer to you." It was out of character for me. That's not the way I normally behave or talk to my wife. The point is, I went out of my way to be with the "other woman."

Here's the Residual Problem

Now that we're 2 years away from destruction - Waaaaay on the other side of the spectrum - fully committed to each other, and divorce is not an option...there is still a residual problem. In fact, this is our biggest obstacle so far.

We live a normal life. It's busy and full, but it's normal for a conservative, Los Angeles, 2 parent household, with several children. That being said, I have to admit that I get tired. I don't have the energy of a teenager. I am over 40 years old. There seems to be so much to do, and not enough time in the day to get it all done. Unless I make arrangements to have a date night with my wife, the days and weeks slip by faster than I'd like to admit.

Our alone time where we are able to enjoy intimacy (not just physical, but emotional intimacy as well) gets shorted sometimes. 

Many nights, we will crawl into bed around midnight. We'll force our eyes to stay open in order to read our daily couple's devotional together. Most of the time we'll both stay awake while we pray together. But then we completely crash for a quick 5 hour nap before we have to start all over again with a new day.

My wife will then begin to appear a little sad, or maybe even distant. Or maybe she'll send me a text once she's at work and it'll look something like this:

I'm feeling distant lately. It's not that you've done anything specific, but it feels like you're not interested in me. You make comments about how you want to be close to me, or that you're interested in having some fun together, but you don't make any moves on me. In fact, you usually fall asleep before I do. 

When I try to talk to her about it, nothing seems to get resolved in the moment. I tell her how tired I've been. I remind her of all the things we've got on our plates. She'll then remind me of how I went out of my way for the last woman I had an affair with. 

You would go out in the middle of the night and stay gone until the early morning. You had the same schedule that you do now, but still you made huge efforts to pursue her.

That's it. I don't pursue my wife like I did with the "other woman." Our affair didn't go on and on over a period of months or years. It was short-lived. That's all my wife saw - the initial pursuit. So, unfortunately, she compares my unrealistic pursuit, fueled with energy and adrenaline with the realistic pursuit I have for her.

To be honest with you, I was already done with the "other woman" long before our affair ended. I was already looking for her replacement. I was annoyed with her voice. Her laugh made me cringe. She had more and more noticeable traits that bothered me. Her flaws were becoming more evident to me with every passing moment. I wouldn't have been able to maintain the unrealistic pursuit of her for much longer.

Regardless, it's what my wife saw. She saw me sacrificing my sleep just to be with someone. She saw me pursuing someone with everything I had in terms of time, energy, and attention.

While she knows logically that the initial pursuit is only a temporal part of the relationship, it is difficult at times.

On the other side of that, I need to remember to continue to pursue my wife. I need to make her feel loved, appreciated, and cherished on an ongoing basis. I have to make conscious efforts to sacrifice my sleep sometimes in order to give the time, energy, and attention to my wife that she needs and deserves.

God's design for marriage is ideal. I wish I'd followed it from the start.

Some people think that God makes a bunch of rules just to limit us and corral us into a little arena called the "No Fun Zone." It's not that God doesn't want us to enjoy life - it's just the opposite! He wants us to fully enjoy all that He's created. Jesus said that He came so we could have a full life (John 10:10). God makes rules and gives us parameters so that we won't live self-destructive lives.

Affairs destroy.

Trust and commitment build safety and emotional nourishment.

Our roadblock is there, but it's not permanent. I'm continuing to press forward everyday. I love my wife, and I know we'll get through this together.

Renewed Vows of a Forgiven Cheater and His Wife

I forsook my vows. I ignored my vows. I desecrated the covenant of holy matrimony.

Now that my wife and I have taken the journey of restoration, we have also expressed our love for each other with an informal renewal of our vows. We each took the time to write new affirmations of love and vows for each other.

One day in the near future, we will have an official renewal of vows ceremony. Until that day comes, I would like to share with you what we've expressed to each other. This expression of love was the final 'dare' in a year-long couple's devotional called, "The Love Dare Day by Day."

Several references in our letters are personal and probably won't make sense, but the point of sharing this is to give hope and to inspire those who wonder if their love can ever be rekindled and healed.

 My Letter To Her

My Love,

I want to boldly proclaim my love for you. I want you to hear me, my heart, my mind, my soul, and my lips say that I am joyfully committed to you for the rest of my life. I have suffered throughout my life with burdens from the past that crippled me and stunted my growth and potential as a man. This was a result of my own immaturity. Thankfully, you have stayed the course. You have graciously received me back after the darkest hour of our lives. You have me now. You have my undying love for you, as well as a love that would be willing to die for you. You are everything I could ever hope or pray for in a wife. I truly thank God for you. In that, I want to make my vows clear to you. These vows will not be broken. I value this covenant commitment with my life. I believe that these words are a binding proclamation of my life, joined in union with your life.

I, [Forgiven Cheater], take you, [My Wife] as a life-long best friend, companion, lover, prayer partner, soul-mate, spouse, teammate, roommate, and number one fan – to have, to hold, to cherish, to admire, to support (in all aspects of that word), to cry with, to pray with, to laugh with, to sing with, to dance with, to cuddle with, to be an intimate ally with, to eat with, to live with, to suffer with, to endure with, to bless with, to freely play with, to absolutely and irrevocably become one with in body, mind, and spirit – no longer two individuals living life side-by-side, but rather as one unified whole person – completed by this fusion of two flawed individuals, living life as one flesh, one desire, and as one purpose, together, even when temporarily physically apart; through sickness and in good health, through good times and in bad times, for rich or for poor, while always holding Christ Jesus as our Lord and Ruler, until death do us part.

Love always and forever,

[Forgiven Cheater]

Her Letter to Me

Dear [Husband],

When you are a little girl you dream about being swept off of your feet.

You dream of the true Cinderella story.

However, as life unfolds you quickly learn that Cinderella is just a fairly tale.

That you are not Cinderella and the chances of meeting a prince were not possible.

I realize that my story is much deeper and much more complicated.

It seems to relate more to the tale of Finding Nemo.

It started with a human who was attempting to be funny by making fish lips.

From that moment I desired to be near you!

From that moment I knew that you were someone that I wanted to spend my life with.

I was swept away and fell in love in that instant connection.

Little did I know that I would love you so deeply, so intensely, so quickly.

I never expected to have my heart consumed.

The more I got to know you, it became clear that you were not just a normal guy.

You were much more.

You were complicated and raw.

You displayed compassion and love for others.

You had a real relationship with God and you made me want something more.

It wasn’t until I met you, that I realized that kind of relationship was even possible.

You made me dig deeper.

You made me strive to be a better person, one with integrity and love.

I lived in such a dark place as a child and you opened it up and shined light on it.

You gave me hope.

You gave me something to strive for.

You helped me see beyond myself and realize that so much more was possible.

That dreams do come true.

They just aren’t always the way you envision them.

Life has not been a fairy tale.

It has been an adventure.

One with daring twists and complicated plots.

I have had some of the most joyous moments in my life with you.

Many of my first were with you.

My most precious memories include you.

I would not trade anything for my experiences with you.

You allowed me to be a mother.

Something that I wouldn’t trade for anything else in the world!

The joy of unconditional love- a love like no other.

That is one of my most prized memories in this life.

That experience alone has made me grow and I couldn’t have done that without you.

Even cartoons experience heartache and loss.

They go through experiences that tear them apart, leave them hopeless, and heart broken.

I often wish that life didn’t need to include pain or suffering.

That we could learn valuable lessons a different way.

I can’t change those experiences.

I only hope to grow through them.

I promise, just like I did 21 years ago… To take you for better, or for worse; for rich or for poor, in sickness and in health, as long as we both live.

I promise to be your love, your best friend, your accomplice, your soul mate, your partner, your intimate ally, your side kick, your number one fan, your amigo, your secret admirer, your confidant, your secretary, your girl- forever…

I am yours and always have been yours. You have my heart, my life, my soul. You make my life complete. I am no longer in this life alone. I have you by my side. Just as God said, “the two shall become one.” This is my promise and covenant with you.

I am one with you!

I love you,

[Wife]

I've Fallen Out of Love

I've Fallen Out of Love

How many times have you heard that? How many times have you thought that it pertained to your relationship? How many times have you believed that to be true? Is that phrase a reason to consider divorce? Is that phrase a reasonable justification to cheat?

I believed that I had fallen out of love with my wife. I argued with myself, and in fact convinced myself that I had never loved my wife.

Lies.

I had never fallen out of love with my wife. Truthfully, I had lost the initial infatuation, the zing, the newness, and the butterflies that go along with almost every new relationship, along with the painful confusion from my past that I was trying to sort out in my mind. I previously touched on the details of my history here: "Shapes From the Past."

That premise - falling out of love -  is the foundation and justification for most infidelity, divorce, and broken relationships.

How Long Can it Last?

The initial newness/infatuation of a relationship only lasts as long as superficial masks are in place. Once a couple encounters their first conflict (and they will encounter conflict), the mask and illusion of "happiness" begin to crumble.

The one thing I learned from marriage counseling was, "P + P = C." Meaning, Person plus Person equals Conflict. Two egos, two opinions, two flawed, and sinful people...one perfect recipe for conflict.

When is true and lasting love ever described as easy? I've personally never heard it described that way. I have heard that true love takes hard work. Ruth Bell Graham, the late wife of Billy Graham said it so well, "A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers." That's basic Christianity 101, "Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you" (Colossians 3:13). 

You've heard the phrase, "It's so easy to fall in love." Let's rephrase it into the realm of reality: It's so easy to allow myself to fall into patterns of lust and infatuation. If we look at relationships through the lens of truth and reality, then we should expect those fleeting feelings to dissipate. Otherwise, we'll perpetually chase infatuation for the rest of our lives, never experiencing the act of cleaving/uniting/becoming one with our spouse the way God originally designed marriage (Genesis 2:24, Ephesians 5:31, Matthew 19:5).

What Does True Love Look Like?

The Bible describes how a wife is to "submit to your own husband[] as you do to the Lord" (Ephesians 5:22). It also describes how a husband is to love his wife, "just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:25). Where in that description does it command a husband and wife to remain infatuated with each other? How does the Bible instruct us to submit to the Lord? How did Christ specifically give Himself up for the church? (A little Bible study/research is required on your part if you don't know the answers to those rhetorical questions.)

What about the most famous description of love in the Bible? You know, the one that has been quoted so often at marriage ceremonies as the bride and groom gaze lovingly into each other's eyes, imagining flawless, painless, and easy days ahead? "Love is PATIENT...KIND...DOES NOT ENVY...BOAST, IT IS NOT PROUD...DOES NOT DISHONOR...IS NOT SELF-SEEKING...ALWAYS PROTECTS...ALWAYS PERSEVERES" (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).

If you're ready to throw in the towel simply because temporal feelings have vanished, are you truly honoring, protecting, and persevering? Are you self-seeking because your lustful teenage feelings are gone? Are you possibly envious of the feelings you see falsely portrayed as lasting and genuine on TV, in the movies, or in some kind of book you're reading?

A Message to Myself (Pre-Affair)

Don't do it!!!! Are you serious?? You've "fallen out of love???" Or better yet - you "never" loved her? First of all, you're an IDIOT! Take a moment and look back in time to the moment you first met. Just ignore whatever "issues" you're presently dealing with. Can you see her eyes? Do you remember that feeling in your gut? You know, the one that said, "I can't see any of my future days without her." That's right, there was something there! There were feelings! 

So what happened????

Life. Deep scars and pain emerging into the light of day. P + P = C. Reality.

Get help. Get therapy. Get counseling. Get some accountability. Pray. Read the Bible with intentionality. Be a man - a REAL man. Put your selfish ego aside. Apologize. Cleave. Realize that you are ONE with your wife!!! 

Most importantly, do NOT betray your wife, under ANY circumstances. Period. Ever. Do NOT violate the covenant of your marriage, regardless of all the lies, justifications, reasons, and excuses you could ever possibly come up with.

Oh yeah, lastly...those feelings are supposed to end! That's the threshold into the land of true love. Beyond those feelings, a vast galaxy of uncharted adventure awaits. Take your wife by the hand, and venture forth into the unknown - TOGETHER. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. This is love. This is beautiful. This is what few people grasp, understand, or dare to experience these days.

A Prayer

Dear Heavenly Father,

Although I am not able to go back in time and rethink my sinful choices, considering the experience and knowledge I have today, I pray that You can use me. Use the voice You've given me to reach others who haven't crossed the line yet. Speak to those who are considering unfaithfulness, separation, and divorce. Protect the marriages that haven't yet been broken. Restore those that have. Revive the value and sanctity of marriage in our country.

In Jesus' Name, Amen.