Do I Actually Love My Wife?

I Love You

"Words, words, words" Hamlet (2.2)

The words are so easy to say. As Americans, we toss the word "love" around like it's as common as an article; a, an, the.

We exhaust the use of it, to the point that the word seems to hold no value at all. 

Ice cream? Love it. Tax refund? I love getting one. The new Star Wars films? LOVE them! Hanging up the phone with any given family member. Love you.

You already know the list goes on and on.

So, in essence, our loose and most common definition of 'love' is really nothing more than an intense fondness, or an upgraded liking of something.

I appreciate the ancient Greek language. There were different words for different kinds of love.

I'm not going to jump into a Greek lesson or sermon right now, but rather focus on the love I have for my wife, as well as her struggle to believe my English-language words, I love you.

Whenever I tell my wife that I love her these days, I don't just blurt out the words in a placating, meaningless, or dismissive way. I make efforts to be intentional with my tone and tenderness. I hold her hand, look her in the eyes, and I speak directly to her. 

Unfortunately, as I began to explain in my post, "What's So Difficult About Restoration?" this is truly challenging. I hurt my wife deeply. Trust was broken - not just the kind of trust when she wonders if I'm really going to the places I've told her I'm going. No. That kind of trust is easier to reestablish than the kind I'm working on rebuilding right now.

When I tell my wife that I love her, she usually responds like this, "I hope so." That kills me. I wish I could open my chest and show her the sincerity of my heart. 

I spent a long time constructing complex lies. I lied when I told myself, "I never really loved her to begin with." LIE. You might not believe how common it is for cheaters to speak those words. Honestly, you probably never really loved yourself very much, but you did love your spouse. Why else would you have spent so much time, and taken so much care to pursue your spouse in the first place? Why would you walk into a wedding ceremony, where the intent is to commit the rest of your life to this person, for better or for worse? You wouldn't. Not unless you were, or are completely insane. You've got to read this post, "In Case of Emergency." 

I might write a post about the lies cheaters tell their spouse, the lies they tell themself, the lies they tell their family and friends, and the lies they follow hook-line-and-sinker. It's not a laughing matter, but it's almost laughable the way cheaters believe their circumstance is unique and tell others, "You have no idea what it's like in my situation." The truth is, the stories, circumstances, and situations are so similar, it's sobering. The lies can be traced back to one source: "the Father of lies" (John 8:44).

"Ay, sir; to be honest, as this world goes, is to be one man picked out of ten thousand" Hamlet (2.2).

Here are a couple of thoughts from the Bible on the subject of lying.

"The LORD detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy" (Proverbs 12:22).

"The righteous hate what is false, but the wicked make themselves a stench and bring shame on themselves" (Proverbs 13:5).

You see, the stench I've brought on myself are the very words I speak. My credibility is shaky at best. My wife wants to believe me, but out of the depths of self-preservation, she still needs to protect herself. 

She loves me. She stands by my side. I love her. I stand by her side. 

The only difference is that without a doubt, I know she fully loves me. 

I will remain by her side for the rest of my life. I hope and pray that my continued actions will give solid proof to my words. 

Honey, I love you with all of my heart!!! ALWAYS. FOREVER.

I Totally Blew It

We've been under quite a bit of stress lately. 
(That's always a legitimate excuse, right?)

There are so many things on our plate right now, it feels like I can't even see the plate. Wait, is there a plate? I can't remember. It's been so long. Maybe we've never even had a plate. I do know that we received a set of four matching plates for our wedding over 20 years ago. Oh yeah, my grandma passed some really old "China" plates to us. So...yeah, we must have a plate somewhere.

What am I trying to say?

I'm searching for some kind of excuse, or justification for an 'incident' that happened the other morning.

Everything has been going along just fine now that we're around two years away from the affair and divorce paperwork. 

The alarm went off at 6AM. The kids were roused from sleep. The morning routine commenced: I helped our late-teen special-needs son get ready for the school bus. I checked on our two pre-teens to make sure they were out of bed & getting dressed. The oldest is required to get himself up & the youngest is allowed to sleep if he isn't woken up by the morning ruckus. My wife was up, dressed, and downstairs prepping breakfast for everyone.

Then I heard the call, "Breakfast is ready!"

I was already downstairs and heading for the bathroom. I only needed to take care of my sniffles, but alas there wasn't any toilet paper. I immediately headed back upstairs to retrieve a new roll of T.P. As I was midway up the stairs, she called again, "Honey, breakfast is on the table!" The boys were already seated (we're one of those strange families who sits down together for breakfast and dinner). I turned back and responded with my hoarse voice due to an illness I'd recently come down with, "I'll be right there." 

Around 30 seconds later, I had grabbed a new roll from our closet & I heard her call a third time, "Everybody's here! We're just waiting for you!" I tried to yell back downstairs, but when your voice is hoarse it comes out like a haggard whisper, "I'm coming!!" Kind of like when you're dreaming about running, but your legs don't work...that was my voice. 

As I was scurrying back downstairs, I heard my wife ask our boys, "Where is your father?" To me, her tone came across as indignant and a little rude.

Once I'd delivered the new roll downstairs, relieved my sniffles, washed my hands, and stepped out of the bathroom I heard her ask, "Where have you been? I made breakfast, put the food on the table, made lunches, and we're all sitting here waiting for you- we have to go in a few minutes." 

I snapped. In my most frustrated-hoarse-haggared-yelling-pitiful-whisper-voice, I responded, "DO YOU THINK I WANTED EVERYONE TO WAIT FOR ME?! DO YOU THINK I AVOIDED COMING DOWN HERE JUST TO IRRITATE YOU?? JUST SO YOU'RE AWARE - I WENT TO BLOW MY NOSE DOWN HERE AND SAW THAT NOBODY REPLACED THE TOILET PAPER, SO I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE NICE TO GO AND GET A NEW ROLL. NOT TO MENTION, I HAD SNOT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE. WASN'T THAT THOUGHTFUL OF ME NOT TO COME TO THE TABLE LIKE THAT AND RUIN EVERYONE'S APPETITES? (I think I took a breath at this point and simmered down a bit.) By the way, I also responded every time you called me. I apologize that my voice doesn't carry very well right now."

All five of our boys were silent. 

My wife was silent.

So, I did what any good Christian father would have done. Feeling terribly guilty and embarrassed by my outburst, I passed the prayer buck, "Who wants to pray for breakfast?"

Our 5-year-old took the reigns, "Dear Dod, pease bess da food for our bodies. An tank you for da beew-ta-ful day an pease hep my dad to feel not sit (sick) wis his sore froat anymore. Aye-men. 

We all sat silently, trying to simply eat our food, while the looming chill of my outburst took its affect on everyone in similar ways.

You see, outbursts like this were fairly common back when I was having an affair and contemplating divorce. But these days, outbursts like this are virtually extinct. So when it happens, it brings flashbacks and reminders to my dear family of a person named "Dad," who had the power to destroy our family at any given moment.

I noticed my wife silently wiping an occasional tear away from her cheek as she did her absolute best to keep her composure.

When my wife finished eating, she went back upstairs. I followed her. 

I won't transcribe the entire conversation, but the gist of it consisted of me apologizing, and my wife asking poignant questions like, "Are you just staying because it's the 'right' thing to do? Do you actually love me? Is there some new kind of 'surprise' I'm going to find out about?" She asked several other questions within the same realm.

I did my best to express my apologies, remorse, and affirmations of my true, committed, and undying love for her. 

Here's the main problem - history of affairs or not - 
I felt indignant that she would have been frustrated by me not showing up to the table when I was sick & trying to take care of a personal hygiene issue. BUT, the Bible tells me to love my wife in the same way that Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her (Ephesians 5:25). 

When did Jesus ever respond rudely, out of frustration with people who were indignant with Him?

Proverbs 15:1 says, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." 

Honestly, all it would have taken from me for the situation to become a non-situation, would have been a quick trip to the kitchen to let my wife know what was happening. Or, once I arrived at the table I didn't need to respond with frustration. I could have answered her with kindness, even if I thought her tone wasn't nice.  

Good marriages take effort. Even if our stomachs feel full, we need to swallow our pride and indignation. A small sacrifice on my part, even if it means that I won't win an argument or prove some kind of point, will honor my wife in the long run.

LATEST NEWS

Two Items To Announce

1. I've Been Published Elsewhere

A new audience has been introduced to this blog through the digital magazine and blog, "Ruby for Women."

Their blog states:

At Ruby for Women, we offer words of hope, inspiration, and encouragement to women everywhere. God has given a story to each one of us, and in the Ruby for Women community, we seek to hear the true and authentic voice of every Christian woman. We hope you will share your story with us!

Even though I am not a woman, they felt my story might touch and bless the lives of their readers.
Here is their February issue (my contribution is titled "Happily Never After"):

2. I'm Overcome With Grief

Emails continue to pour in from all over the world from spouses who don't know what to do because their marriage has been impacted by infidelity. When I started this blog, I knew it was bad, but it really hits home when you begin to hear personal stories firsthand.

Many of these people are ashamed and want to keep it a secret. I understand why they feel that way right now, but finding a solid support system is vital for the healing to take place. Look, my wife still isn't comfortable with our names being associated with this blog yet. I get it. However, finding a pastor or trusted friend who is mature in their faith to stand beside you and your spouse is so important. The Bible tells us to "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ" (Galatians 6:2).

What is the law of Christ? Jesus said, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments” (Matthew 22:37-40)

These instructions tell us to love God first, and others second. We are to love others with as much care and compassion as we love ourselves. If I am hurting, I'm going to find a way to tend to my needs. If I am aware of someone else who is hurting, according to Jesus' command, I am to tend to their needs. Galatians 6:2 explains that in doing so, the law of Christ is then fulfilled.

Secondly, we should be praying for each other. James 5:16 says, "...pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective".

Here is my second piece of news. I am going to start a prayer chain through this blog. I am asking those of you who are willing, to send me an email with the subject line "Prayer Chain." I don't have to know your personal name or details. I simply want to share the blessing of praying for others.

IMPORTANT INFORMATION - I am NOT going to release ANY personal or confidential information about anyone who wants prayer. My email will look something like this:

Dear prayer warrior,

Please pray for a couple in Maine who have 3 children, and the wife's affair has just been discovered. Please pray for an end to the affair. Pray for the protection and preservation of their children. Pray for a softened and gracious heart for the husband. Pray for healing and restoration.

Blessings,
J.L.

God already knows their names. I'm just asking for people to pray alongside of me. If you're interested, email me here: forgiven

Hope Is Real

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick,

but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." (Proverbs 13:12)

Are you longing for your marriage to be restored?

If you're new to this blog, I want you to know that there IS HOPE for your marriage! No matter how overwhelming your pain is if you've been cheated on. No matter how much you hate yourself, feel unworthy of forgiveness and believe that you can't change if you've done the cheating. Even if you've already filed for divorce, there is still hope.

How can I say this?

Because my marriage is a living testimony to God's grace, forgiveness, and His power to heal and to restore.

Nothing about our journey has been easy, but I stand here looking back at what I've done in the past and my life has been put into perspective. 

Within the big picture - 

I am a human being, created in God's image (Genesis 1:27). I have sinned (meaning I have done wrong in the eyes of God by failing to live up to His perfect measure of holiness). I had a broken relationship with Him (Romans 3:23). I repented (meaning I changed my ways and turned away from my sins). I confessed my sins and have been forgiven (1 John 1:9). Now I am walking in His grace, in a relationship with Him (John 1:12).

Within the smaller picture -

That process in and of itself wasn't some kind of mystical formula that instantly restored my marriage. As humans, we still struggle against pride, as well as wrestle with shame and unworthiness issues. I am so thankful that my wife was able and willing to stay the incredibly painful course. 

Please remember that pain and difficulty doesn't equate to an impossibility. While in context, Jesus was talking about the difficulties of the rich (those who place their faith and hope in money) being saved/entering the Kingdom of God, He did say, "with God all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26). I would argue that same truth has complete relevance in the area of marital restoration.

If you need help or prayer, I have a list of resources on my main site: Forgiven Cheater

Another option - you can always post a response on any of my blog entries.

Or, you can email me directly.

God Bless You

Simple Ways to Give this Holiday Season

First and foremost, I hope you are able and willing to give the gift of forgiveness to someone who has wronged you.

That is one of the greatest gifts we celebrate this holiday season. In Advent, we celebrate the anticipation of the arrival of the Messiah - the gift of God to humanity - Emmanuel which means God with us. The birth, life, death, and resurrection of Jesus will forever remain the pivotal and most important gift in all of human history.

We give gifts in the Christmas season to celebrate and remember the gift we've been given (Jesus, grace, forgiveness, hope, life, an eternal future).

Here are a couple of places my wife and I like to give:

CURE International provides life-changing medical procedures to children in places where medical care is not possible. I encourage you to at least look at their website and see what they have to offer.
Here is their link: https://cure.org/

World Vision provides support to impoverished children all over the world from child sponsorship, to educational supplies, to disaster relief, to food, to medical supplies, to clean water, to almost anything you can imagine. Their gift catalog enables you to choose specific items as well as gifts that have matching grants to multiply your donation.

Both of these organizations give well over 90% (I don't know the exact number off the top of my head) of your donation to the people who actually need your help. Very little goes to overhead costs.

Here is World Vision's link: http://www.worldvision.org/

Both of these organizations also bring the message of Jesus with the work that they do.

We would like you to consider helping support other marriages that are going through similar circumstances by committing to praying for softened hearts, forgiveness, repentance, and the full restoration and commitment of marriages.

My wife and I thank you for reading our posts. We wish you and your family a blessed and beautiful Christmas and New Year!

What Do I Do Now?

WHAT NOW?
 
I've received so many questions from people asking what they should do now. The questions range from "I've forgiven him/her, now what?" to "We are staying together, but we just don't know how to put this behind us and move forward." to "How do I love him/her again?" and everything in between.

First of all, God bless you for choosing forgiveness. This is God's plan and desire for you. God is pro-restoration. We see that message played out all through history - from the first moment of disobedience and broken relationship between God and man in the Garden of Eden, to the Israelites continually turning their backs on God and then experiencing restoration, to the overall picture of a fallen humanity being offered grace and redemption through the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross. God prefers restoration over broken relationships and divorce. In fact, God "hates divorce" (Malachi 2:16). He also only allowed divorce in situations of infidelity because of the hardness of our hearts (Matthew 19:8, Mark 10:5).

Those of you who feel completely numb, broken, and hurt beyond anything you've ever imagined know firsthand why it's easy for a heart to become hardened in situations of infidelity.

Let's flip it around for a moment and take the spotlight off of the one who caused the pain in your relationship. Take a moment to hold up a mirror and ponder your own life and choices for a moment. You might think, How dare you do this to me?!? I was the one who was cheated on!!! Hold on a moment, don't get riled up yet. I just want to put things in perspective. Yes you've been hurt. Yes it never should have happened. Yes it's inexcusable. But, let's consider who Jesus died for.

All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. (Romans 3:23)
Christ died for the ungodly. (Romans 5:6b)
But God demonstrates his own love for us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)
It is by grace you have been saved, through faith and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God. (Ephesians 2:8)
For God so loved the world that he sent his only son, that whoever believes in him will not perish but have everlasting life. (John 3:16)
 
You see, even though you might not have ever done something as painful as cheating or betraying your spouse, you still have fallen short of God's glory. Romans 5:6 calls us "ungodly" before our relationship with Him was ever restored. Even before you knew Him, when you were guilty of having a sinful nature, He chose to sacrifice His only son, Jesus, so that your relationship could be restored with Him. If you follow Jesus and profess Him as your Lord and Savior, you have been forgiven. You have been accepted into an eternal royal family, "Now if we are children, then we are heirs-heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ" (Romans 8:17).

Does that help a little bit? Does it help knowing that we all are guilty and rightly headed for God's judgment without His forgiveness? I hope it puts things into perspective a little bit.

There's also the danger that Jesus warned of in Matthew 6:15, Mark 11:26, and Matthew 18:35, that God will not forgive those who cannot forgive. What a problem that creates - someone accepts the free gift of salvation/grace/forgiveness from a Holy God, but then in-turn refuses to offer forgiveness to others because they are too hurt, hardened, or stubborn to do so. Does that sound harsh? I don't think so when considering the grace that's been extended to all of humanity. Think about this - Jesus even loves and died for ISIS, jihadists, terrorists, Hitler, cheaters, liars, murderers, pedophiles, child rapists, and every other hideous type of person you can imagine. I'm not saying all of those people/types accept His offer of forgiveness, but nevertheless He died for them to have the opportunity to be forgiven. He is willing to restore anyone into a loving relationship with Him, if only they will repent and seek His forgiveness.

There is also a pride and entitlement factor in refusing to forgive someone else. It's the mindset of "I deserve and I am worthy of God's grace because I'm not that bad. I can't fully forgive and move forward because this person doesn't deserve it. They've done something too wrong and painful to me." James 4:6 says, "But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: 'God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.'" It takes great humility to truly forgive and love a person who has done a great wrong to you. But that is precisely what God wants you to do.

Keeping that in mind, can you look into the eyes of the one who betrayed you and truly say, "I love you. It hurts, but I truly love you."

MOVING FORWARD

So, in practicality, take this moment and say to your spouse, "We will move forward. It hurts. It's difficult. But we will move forward." 

ADDITIONAL SUPPORT

Find support in your local church. Make sure you're in a solid-Biblically based, uncompromising church that believes Jesus is indeed exactly who He claimed to be (the only way to God). "I am the way, the truth, and the life: no one comes to the Father except through me" (John 14:6).

If your spouse needs help, find a Celebrate Recovery program in your area. CR is a Christ-Centered recovery program for any and all addictions. Here is their website: http://www.celebraterecovery.com/

I've Fallen In Love!

                                  


If you've been following our journey, you'll know that there are good days as well as bad ones. Sometimes I've felt like the light at the end of the tunnel is a mirage, or figment of my imagination. There have even been times when I've pondered the value of my own life - after all the pain I've caused, wouldn't things be better if I weren't here at all.

Through it all, we persist and press forward.

The Bible tells us to "Consider it pure joy [emphasis added], my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" (James 1:2-4).

That kind of mindset feels nearly impossible when you are in the midst of the storm.

Sometimes people tend to blame God, as if He were the instigator, the cause, or even the orchestrator of our problems, dilemmas, and tragedies. God is not the cause of our problems. Sin is the cause of our problems. Our world, once perfect, has fallen into sin through the willful disobedience of mankind. The current condition of things (sin, sickness, death, tragedies) is on our shoulders. When someone you love betrays you, that is not God's fault. We have free will. We make our own choices. The consequences of those choices sometimes hurt others. God loves us, and will never leave us or forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:8). Ultimately, and as difficult as this might be to grasp when you're in a difficult situation, "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28).

That being said, I wanted to share with you something that recently happened.

My wife and I were invited to attend a friend's wedding. Weddings are difficult for my wife, since she is torn and distraught about the value and meaning of our wedding since I betrayed our vows.

After the wedding, we attended the reception which was catered with delectable Italian food. There was also a live band playing some really great and fun tunes. At one point, they invited everyone to the dance floor. I am not a dancer. I've acted professionally for many years, and I've even had the lead in a few musicals. BUT - I've never danced. In fact, one musical I was in (Blood Brothers) included several dance numbers...none of which included me. The director attempted to put me in one dance number, and halfway through one rehearsal of that number he asked me to remove myself from the choreography.

With that kind of negative "I can't dance" cloud hanging over my head, I looked into the deep beautiful blue eyes of my wife as they sparkled in the festive lights of the evening and asked, "Would you like to go dance with me?"

She smiled and said, "Yes!"

We slow-danced, and then that song ended. Next up came a song with a much faster tempo...oh the pressure to run back to my seat was monumental! Regardless, I stayed on the dance floor with my wife. We created our own dance moves. We stepped in time with each other. My wife's smile was radiant! Not only were her feet dancing, but her eyes were dancing with joy as well. I looked at her and took everything in: the lights, the music, the aroma of good food, the laughter, the freedom from any burden or past mistakes, and my wife, my beautiful wife, enjoying herself like a carefree teenage girl! My heart soared! I fell instantly in love with her all over again. If I walked up to her in that moment for the very first time, I would have dropped immediately to my knee and asked her to marry me.

Here we are, nearly two weeks after the event and my heart is still warm. I'm in love with my wife more so than I was when I first met her in high school over 24 years ago.

You see? Miracles can happen. Hearts can change.

If you read these posts because you feel like you have no hope, please be encouraged! Pray for your spouse. Pray for their heart to change. Pray for your own heart to change. Pray for God's design for your marriage to be restored. Ask others to pray for you. Send a message to me - I'll be more than happy to pray for you as well.

Cleaning Out My Closet

I’ve mentioned before in previous posts that certain things- songs, places, whatever, can trigger negative memories for my wife. The post that gets into the most detail about this subject is called, "Forgiveness Can't Forget."  I can’t imagine the inner turmoil she must have suffered, walking through our house and sleeping in our bed through our process of restoration. It must have been agonizing. I soiled our home. I violated the serenity of our bedroom. I desecrated our bed. I created memories with another female, using items that belonged to “us.” I used “our” things to facilitate and to destroy the sanctity of our marriage.

Although we’ve redone a few things (new carpet, new bathroom tile…), there were still a couple of items left in our home (aside from the house itself) that caused negative feelings to emerge within my wife. One of those items was a set of sheets from “around that time.” The other thing was our bed frame. I threw the sheets into a pile of ‘donation stuff’ a couple of months ago and sent it away. But the bedframe was something my wife suggested that we move into the playroom (which had recently been converted into a guestroom).

I didn’t want anything in our house that could possibly trigger any more negative memories as we move forward, so I disassembled the bedframe. I then dragged it out to the curb and called the city sanitation truck for a bulky item pickup. I suppose it’s rather fitting for a garbage truck to come and dispose of that bedframe.

I consider my wife to be THE MOST AMAZING Godly woman I’ve ever met. Am I saying she’s perfect? Absolutely not. What I am saying though, is that she has taken God’s command to truly forgive, and lived it out.

The Bible tells us, if we forgive others, our Heavenly Father will forgive us – BUT if we do NOT forgive others, then God will NOT forgive us (Mark 11:25-26, Matthew 6:14-15). Maybe that’s one of the reasons it’s so incredibly difficult to be a genuine follower of Christ. Forgiveness is not easy, but by the grace of God, my wife chose to forgive.

I remember calling her names when she first told me that she forgave me. I called her “desperate” and “weak.” I told her that she didn’t have the courage to live without me. I loathed myself and I wanted her to give me the kind of hatred I deserved (according to the world’s standard).

I was using the language of the enemy – the father of lies. My wife was not weak in the slightest. She could have handled and managed life if we had ended up divorced. But instead, she chose the most difficult path. She chose to submit her fears, worries, pain, and any potential for weakness to Christ Jesus. That was the most powerful, strength-filled decision she could have possibly made.

Because of the way she chose to respond, I was given an incredible gift. I had been set free. I had been given much grace, love, and forgiveness. Once I received it, I then had the potential to love and forgive others in great ways. Jesus said, “whoever has been forgiven little loves little” (Luke 7:47b). I now walk through life with the potential to love and forgive in unending ways because of the way I experienced His forgiveness through the actions of my wife.

In reality, we all have that same potential. Remember, “God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). That means before we were even aware of our sin – before we were aware of the fact that we were offending and sinning against God – He sent Jesus to pay the price for our sin with His death on the cross. None of us has been forgiven little. We all have been offered the opportunity to be forgiven much.

The major difference between the forgiveness we experience between each other vs. the forgiveness we experience from God is the memory of the event. As human beings, we may offer forgiveness, but we can’t truly forget. We can forgive and move forward, but the memories remain. This presents a challenge in relationships as intimate as a husband and wife. That’s why I’ve tried to remove old reminders as best as I can, but it will never be enough. If we move to another house, we’ll still have the city, the state, and the specific places that trigger certain memories. If we move to another state, we’ll still have names, songs, or some other unforeseen ‘thing’ that could trigger a painful memory at any given time.

God has the ability to completely remove the stains and memories of our sins permanently. The Bible says, “For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more” (Hebrews 8:12). Isaiah 43:25 tells us, “I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.”  There is also the vivid description of God casting our sins “into the depths of the sea” (Micah 7:19).

What a beautiful concept to carry around in life! We don’t have to get rid of old reminders of our sinful past. Once we “confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). We don’t have to clean out our closet, or our bedroom, or anything. Why? Because “if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” (2 Corinthians 5:17). We don’t have to clean anything out, because we are made completely new! This isn’t a donation of old stuff. This isn’t a new coat of paint to hide the grime underneath. This is complete transformation.

Go out and walk in that for a while.

Blessings to you!

In An Instant - Or, Something Is Rotten In The State Of Denmark

Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.
                                  - Marcellus (Hamlet 1.4)

 In An Instant

Things have been going really well. My wife has been lighthearted more often. Her smile is radiant. Her giggle prompts contagious laughter from others. An ease and pleasant normality has become commonplace in our home once again.

I can see and feel her trust beginning to grow.

…and then, in an instant…

The Setting

As is our custom, we were taking an evening shower together. As we stood in the soothing hot water, we recapped the day.

Our oldest wants to borrow the car for a date night. That’s fine, as long as he fills the tank.

Our 4^th grade son has been a little mean to our 5^th grade son. We’ll pay closer attention and be sure to address anything we see him doing.

As we continued down the list of our children, I suddenly realized that I had insta-gas. What did I eat? I’m not sure, but this backside pressure was something that didn’t even give me enough time to politely jump out of the shower. BAM!

Ok. That just happened.

Honestly, we’ve been marred for nearly 22 years. Flatulation happens. If she hasn’t heard me by now, something isn’t right. The problem is that a hot and steamy shower keeps odors locked in and amplifies the potential toxins.

So, I played it off with a sheepish grin and confidently declared, “Just call me Romeo.”

Her Response

Without missing a beat, she said, “I wonder who else you’ve felt comfortable enough to do that in front of.”

Shutdown

The relaxing and soothing moment jumped from pleasant to painfully uncomfortable in an unforeseen instant.

I immediately became silent. The weight of what I’d done in the past stood solidly on my shoulders once again.

After a seeming eternity of silence (when in reality it was probably only a few seconds), she asked me what was wrong.

I replied, “Well, we were having a nice time relaxing and talking, and then I let one go…and then you wondered ‘who else’ I’ve done that in front of. I feel badly that anything can remind you of what I’ve done. And honestly, no, I never did that in front of any of them.”

She said, “It doesn’t necessarily have to mean ‘them.’ You’ve had many girlfriends in your life, it might have happened with any one of them as well.” I felt like she was trying to soften the blow a little bit. Then she said, “At least maybe I have this. Maybe this can be something that you’ve only done with me.”

Ouch.

Debrief 

What’s the point of sharing all of this? I’m just trying to be real. Life gets better, but reminders of our sinful mistakes can be only a moment away. I was going to say that they can be only a breath away, but given the gassy nature of the situation, I wanted to air…uh, I mean err on the side of seriousness.

Also, it’s not that infidelity is a laughing matter, but through the pain and in our journey of healing, we need to learn to laugh again.

“But a man who commits adultery has no sense; whoever does so destroys himself” (Proverbs 6:32).