Life Returns to a New "Normal"

Life Will Return to a New "Normal"

I've mainly posted examples, thoughts, and experiences of mine that have to do with the challenges, struggles, and emotions that go along with the decision to restore a marriage after infidelity has occurred.

Our story needs to be told. People need to hear that there is hope for a marriage, even in the most dire and heartbreaking situations. The common and popular "solution" of divorce, is not the only option. Divorce doesn't solve anything in most situations. Usually it complicates matters. It divides lives. It tears people apart. It shakes the foundation of children's complete existence. People will tell you, "Don't worry about it, kids are resilient." Well, guess what? Children suffer tremendously when their parents get divorced. Don't believe me? Check out this article: How Could Divorce Affect My Kids?

In light of that, I also wanted to give a glimpse into the daily routine of my life. I wanted to let those of you who are considering restoration, or beginning the restoration process see that life will one day again return to normal. The seemingly insurmountable storm standing before you does not represent everything you are going to face.

Yes, you will face sorrow, regret, depression, anger, frustration, and possibly even a small taste of insanity. BUT, you will also face happiness, joy, laughter, wonderment, good times, and even the "normal' day-to-day kinds of routines you once knew.

I Am Not Who I Once Was

There will be one distinct and unshakeable fact that is quite different than before. You will have stepped into a deeper realm of awareness, maturity, humility, and wisdom that you never knew existed. The phrase, "I'm not the person I once was," always seemed so annoying to me whenever I heard anyone say that before. Now, I can attest that it is truly possible to change. I am not who I was before.  Most importantly, this process of healing, forgiveness, and restoration could not have happened without Christ Jesus. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" (2 Corinthians 5:17).

A Day In the Life of a Forgiven Cheater

The alarm goes off. I grab the phone and opened the Our Daily Bread app. I'm not perfectly consistent, but I am trying to be intentional with morning devotions and prayer with my wife.

I dawdle around in the bedroom as my wife heads downstairs to make breakfast.

I make my way to the children's bedrooms and wake them up. 

We all head down to help out with breakfast and morning chores.

During breakfast, we have to intervene in an argument between one of our older boys and one of our younger boys. The situation quickly changes gears to a couple of jokes and some laughter. The topic shifts again to ideas about the day's itinerary.

Throughout the day, I hug my wife and kiss her a few random times. I do have a deeper appreciation for her now. When I look at her and realize I could have lost her because of my own stupidity, I am so thankful that she's still here and that she still loves me.

We run errands, go shopping for a few grocery items, and even walk aimlessly through a mall, as I try to distract my wife's attention from some of the Home Goods/Pier One types of stores. I hate going into those places.

Later in the evening, we try to leave the house after the kids are in bed. We coax the older kids into "babysitting duty," with nothing more than the freedom to play video games into the late hours of the night.

I give my wife a ride on the motorcycle into a decent L.A. shopping area. Motorcycle rides on date nights are fun. We grabbed some frozen yogurt and then caught a late night movie.

Almost nothing was discussed about the past, the affairs, trust, sadness, or anything else other than regular everyday 'stuff.'

You see? Life can be normal once again. Take heart. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. 

I've Fallen Out of Love

I've Fallen Out of Love

How many times have you heard that? How many times have you thought that it pertained to your relationship? How many times have you believed that to be true? Is that phrase a reason to consider divorce? Is that phrase a reasonable justification to cheat?

I believed that I had fallen out of love with my wife. I argued with myself, and in fact convinced myself that I had never loved my wife.

Lies.

I had never fallen out of love with my wife. Truthfully, I had lost the initial infatuation, the zing, the newness, and the butterflies that go along with almost every new relationship, along with the painful confusion from my past that I was trying to sort out in my mind. I previously touched on the details of my history here: "Shapes From the Past."

That premise - falling out of love -  is the foundation and justification for most infidelity, divorce, and broken relationships.

How Long Can it Last?

The initial newness/infatuation of a relationship only lasts as long as superficial masks are in place. Once a couple encounters their first conflict (and they will encounter conflict), the mask and illusion of "happiness" begin to crumble.

The one thing I learned from marriage counseling was, "P + P = C." Meaning, Person plus Person equals Conflict. Two egos, two opinions, two flawed, and sinful people...one perfect recipe for conflict.

When is true and lasting love ever described as easy? I've personally never heard it described that way. I have heard that true love takes hard work. Ruth Bell Graham, the late wife of Billy Graham said it so well, "A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers." That's basic Christianity 101, "Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you" (Colossians 3:13). 

You've heard the phrase, "It's so easy to fall in love." Let's rephrase it into the realm of reality: It's so easy to allow myself to fall into patterns of lust and infatuation. If we look at relationships through the lens of truth and reality, then we should expect those fleeting feelings to dissipate. Otherwise, we'll perpetually chase infatuation for the rest of our lives, never experiencing the act of cleaving/uniting/becoming one with our spouse the way God originally designed marriage (Genesis 2:24, Ephesians 5:31, Matthew 19:5).

What Does True Love Look Like?

The Bible describes how a wife is to "submit to your own husband[] as you do to the Lord" (Ephesians 5:22). It also describes how a husband is to love his wife, "just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:25). Where in that description does it command a husband and wife to remain infatuated with each other? How does the Bible instruct us to submit to the Lord? How did Christ specifically give Himself up for the church? (A little Bible study/research is required on your part if you don't know the answers to those rhetorical questions.)

What about the most famous description of love in the Bible? You know, the one that has been quoted so often at marriage ceremonies as the bride and groom gaze lovingly into each other's eyes, imagining flawless, painless, and easy days ahead? "Love is PATIENT...KIND...DOES NOT ENVY...BOAST, IT IS NOT PROUD...DOES NOT DISHONOR...IS NOT SELF-SEEKING...ALWAYS PROTECTS...ALWAYS PERSEVERES" (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).

If you're ready to throw in the towel simply because temporal feelings have vanished, are you truly honoring, protecting, and persevering? Are you self-seeking because your lustful teenage feelings are gone? Are you possibly envious of the feelings you see falsely portrayed as lasting and genuine on TV, in the movies, or in some kind of book you're reading?

A Message to Myself (Pre-Affair)

Don't do it!!!! Are you serious?? You've "fallen out of love???" Or better yet - you "never" loved her? First of all, you're an IDIOT! Take a moment and look back in time to the moment you first met. Just ignore whatever "issues" you're presently dealing with. Can you see her eyes? Do you remember that feeling in your gut? You know, the one that said, "I can't see any of my future days without her." That's right, there was something there! There were feelings! 

So what happened????

Life. Deep scars and pain emerging into the light of day. P + P = C. Reality.

Get help. Get therapy. Get counseling. Get some accountability. Pray. Read the Bible with intentionality. Be a man - a REAL man. Put your selfish ego aside. Apologize. Cleave. Realize that you are ONE with your wife!!! 

Most importantly, do NOT betray your wife, under ANY circumstances. Period. Ever. Do NOT violate the covenant of your marriage, regardless of all the lies, justifications, reasons, and excuses you could ever possibly come up with.

Oh yeah, lastly...those feelings are supposed to end! That's the threshold into the land of true love. Beyond those feelings, a vast galaxy of uncharted adventure awaits. Take your wife by the hand, and venture forth into the unknown - TOGETHER. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. This is love. This is beautiful. This is what few people grasp, understand, or dare to experience these days.

A Prayer

Dear Heavenly Father,

Although I am not able to go back in time and rethink my sinful choices, considering the experience and knowledge I have today, I pray that You can use me. Use the voice You've given me to reach others who haven't crossed the line yet. Speak to those who are considering unfaithfulness, separation, and divorce. Protect the marriages that haven't yet been broken. Restore those that have. Revive the value and sanctity of marriage in our country.

In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Rebuilding Trust

Many elements are included in the process of restoration, but the absolute most important element is that of rebuilding of trust.

My wife has said on many occasions that being cheated on is the worst kind of pain anyone can experience. She has articulated it like this,

     My heart felt like it had been ripped out. I gave you all of me - my heart, my commitment, my
     love, my devotion, and my full trust. I was betrayed on so many levels. I felt sick to my stomach.
     I couldn't eat for days. I questioned my own worth and value as a person. I prayed and asked
     God to allow me to die, so that you could have exactly what you wanted.

When I hear those words, I am not only ashamed and filled with remorse, but also completely disgusted with myself. Self-loathing is something I have to fight against. I am no longer in the midst of my sin. I have fully repented, and need to constantly remember, "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Romans 8:1).

Sometimes I wish I was her new man. Someone who could hold her and listen to the stories of that other jerk-idiot-fool who had done those terrible things to her. I wish I could run into him in a dark alley, and pound his face in. The biggest burden I have to carry, is that I do run into him everyday- every time I look into the mirror.

Learning to see ourselves in a new light, as forgiven and blameless, with our identity and value anchored in Christ Jesus is another post for another day. I just needed to get that out.

The following ideas are not flawless and perfect. They are simply based on the ones that we've implemented in our restoration process. I would highly encourage you (those of you who are rebuilding and restoring your own relationships) to consider implementing these into your process. Also, please share any other ideas that you might have.

SECRECY/TRANSPARENCY

No secrets. Period. In a marriage, you are two individual people who have come together as one (Mark 10:8, Ephesians 5:31, Genesis 2:24). No secret bank accounts, separate bank accounts, separate vacations, separate plans for the future, goals and visions for your life that directly conflict with those of your spouse...and feel free to add any other number of things to this list.

All emails, phones, online accounts, anything requiring a password should be accessible by your spouse. Your spouse is your intimate ally, not an enemy from whom you are withholding information. This isn't some kind of prison warden all-access pass that requires constant monitoring. This is an opportunity for you to say to your spouse, "Every conversation, every account, every activity that I choose to partake in will honor you and our relationship. I have nothing to hide from you. Feel free to look and see whenever you like. You'll never find anything that hurts you, or compromises our relationship."

Leave your phone out in the open. Hand it to your spouse when you walk in the door. Don't ever take it into the bathroom with you. Keep it in a different room - other than your bedroom. Have limits as to when you access your phone. Keep work hours as work hours. Be present with your spouse when you are home. Limit your phone & internet usage when at home - and especially when you are out with your spouse at dinner, or on a date night.

LOCATIONS

Smartphones have location services. iPhones have a great app called "Find my iPhone." ENABLE IT. Allow your spouse to ALWAYS know where you are, and be able to verify it. Send your location via text. Be where you say you're going to be. Have integrity. Again, this isn't about giving your spouse unnecessary police-esque kinds of duties over you. This is about rebuilding their trust and confidence in you. This is about rebuilding the validity and trustworthiness of your word.

FACEBOOK/SOCIAL MEDIA

First thing - right off the bat - DELETE ANY AND ALL Facebook "friends" who are "exes" of yours, or people that you've had a past relationship with. Even if it's that cute girl who was your first crush in 1st Grade. It will not benefit your marriage in any way whatsoever. Remember the marriage vows you took, "Forsaking all others"? Cut off all contact with all of the people who fit into that category. You do not owe them an explanation. You do not need to worry about their feelings. Your only mission is to fight for and to protect your spouse.

Another idea is to eliminate individuality: Mike Smith's profile and Jane Smith's profile - eliminate one and combine the two. I know you've seen them every once in a while: MikeandJane Smith. One profile, one union, one intent.

FRIENDSHIPS/RELATIONSHIPS

All relationships with members of the opposite gender should be either cut off completely, or reduced to the level of acquaintance only. I'm not talking about close family members, but anyone outside of the family. If you are friends with another couple, it's fine for you to have a friendly conversation with both people, but never outside of that setting. Meaning, under no circumstances ever, should you have a private conversation that can't be monitored by your spouse with a member of the opposite gender (email, text, phone call, in-person...etc).

After that, you need to sit down with your spouse and talk about any other relationships that bring about a concern. If your spouse has concerns with any of your friends of the same gender, you need to discuss that in a civil manner. Listen to the concerns your spouse has about each person. Try and see it from their perspective.

INTEGRITY SOFTWARE

There are apps for your computer and smartphone that can not only filter sexually explicit content, but also provide accountability. XXXChurch is a site that provides tools to help with porn/sex addiction, as well as a free app that can be added to your computer or mobile devices.

There are other filters and apps that provide some accountability, but XXXChurch is Christ-centered. I encourage you to check them out and see which ones will work for your situation.

These are some ideas to help get you started. I don't know your personal situation, but I do know that at the heart of the issue trust and integrity are key.

This Blog Is Moving To A New Home!

If you've been following this blog, please take a moment to check out the new site:
http://www.forgivencheater.com/

I'll still continue to post blog entries here for a while. However, once that site is finished, I'll probably discontinue posting new entries here.

Also check out the page with fantastic resources for husbands, wives, and parents who want to model Christ in their homes!

Blessings

BE BRAVE: SHAME THAT CHEATER!!!!!

People enjoy watching the cheater get what is coming to them. It is poetic justice. We all feel good, and amused. This takes strength, courage, and an iron will to shame another human for the error of their ways.

Look what is celebrated in social media (warning: explicit language). The following link to Distractify, lists images of vengeful retaliation against cheaters: http://distractify.com/alex-scola/cheaters-never-prosper/

Only the brave follow this course of action. The weak ones cower back into a corner of darkness...or do they?
My wife and I are presently talking to/encouraging/praying for/mentoring a married couple who is struggling with the concept of forgiveness vs. the popular choice - divorce after infidelity.

Interesting that it is the offender/cheater in that situation who is fighting and wrestling with the idea of whether or not to separate/divorce. This is partially spurned by the questions: What will my friends think of me? How will others view me? What are the opinions of those around me? My situation was the same - I wrestled with the idea of staying together vs. divorcing. Thank God that my mind and heart were softened and I decided to fight for my marriage.

There is some kind of social stigma associated with staying in a particular situation after you've boldly announced your plans to the contrary. There is a fear that others will view you as weak because you have changed your mind.

Consider what weakness is. Weakness implies helplessness and a lack of strength. Other people's opinions are only that, opinions. Their thoughts on the matter, remain as important as the color of a woman's lipstick on any given day. It might look good for a few moments. It might even compliment an item of clothing that she's wearing. However, at the end of the day, it will be removed and forgotten about. The woman is still who she was before the lipstick was ever applied. She will remain who she is, long after the lipstick has been removed. So it is with opinions. The person who bears the weight of another person's opinion will remain the same person long after the opinion has faded.

Once we learn to stand with integrity, in the face of opposition, and fight for what is truly right, regardless of flailing and ever-changing opinions, we have done something noble.

Which of these seems like it takes less strength:

1. Walking away and throwing in the towel because a challenge or obstacle has been placed in your path.

2. Digging in your heels, bracing yourself, pressing forward into the face of the storm in order to fight for something you believe in.

Which option would a wimp choose? Which option would a warrior choose? How many champions in history acted bravely, or nobly by walking away when difficulties stared them in the face?

Which option seems like an act of bravery:

1. Saving face at all costs.

2. Standing for what is right, regardless of opinions that attempt to sway your decision.

If you are standing for the truth expressed in God's Word (the Bible), remember this: 
"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me [Jesus]. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you." (Matt 5:11-12)


I've heard the phrase, "Choose your battles." I know that a marriage is something worth fighting for.

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater - NOT

My wife and I have encountered a young couple who is in the midst of the battle over infidelity vs. fighting for their marriage. I wanted to post the email I sent to the husband this morning, but didn't want to do so without his permission.

One comment the wife in that situation made regarding her own sinful choices, her low self image, and her identity was, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." That's how she views herself.

I used to believe that as well.

When I confessed the names of the women I'd cheated with, I wasn't ready for my wife to offer forgiveness. Not only was my self image low, but I sincerely despised myself as a person. I actually spoke these words to my wife, "If I stay- If I'm forced to stay, I'll continue this pattern. I will cheat again. It's the only way I can cope with this marriage." Oh my dear God forgive me for ever uttering those devastating words. I'm broken, just reading those words again. I'm so disappointed in myself for allowing such darkness to guide my words and actions. I was so wrong. Those words were whispered into my ear by the father of lies. 

There is more to say about the specific ways a cheater who has either confessed, or who has been caught responds, but I want to stay focused here on the aspect of one's name and identity. 

I am here to say that the common label, promising relapses or continual sinful choices is incorrect. 
"Once a cheater, always a cheater," is another lie. Don't let that lie set a course for you to follow. In Christ Jesus, we are transformed. We have been given a NEW NAME! I am no longer labeled or called, "Cheater." I am now called, "Redeemed." There are two passages in the Bible that talk about the concept of being given a new name. One is Revelation 2:17, the other is the short chapter of Isaiah 62. I encourage you to read those two passages and rejoice in your new name.

I've also included a video by MercyMe, entitled "Greater"  that talks about this very subject.

Do you believe that your past or even present choices define you? Listen to the Word of God, and find renewed hope through faith in Christ Jesus!

Post of Anguish and a Call to Action

Dear Friends,

I have a heavy heart as I write this post. Although this blog is fairly new, I have already been contacted by several women who have told me their stories. These women are seeking guidance and counsel about their present situations.

Infidelity and divorce are an epidemic problem.

There are many, many things I could say about the issue in general, but analysis is not what is needed in this moment. In this moment, I implore you to earnestly seek the Lord in prayer.  I'm not asking you to continue reading, close the tab, look up something else... I'm asking you to get off of your chair, kneel down (or lie down face first), and cry out to God on behalf of broken marriages - right now.

Intercede for spouses who have experienced the pain of betrayal. Lift them up before the Throne of Grace. Ask the Holy Spirit to minister directly to their wounded hearts. Ask Him to give the peace that surpasses all understanding in the midst of of a heavy storm.

Pray for courage as spouses dig their heels in and fight for their marriages, rather than taking the common road of divorce.

Pray for the spouses who are either in an extramarital affair right now, or who are tempted to seek one out. Pray that the Holy Spirit slaps some sense into them. Pray that they are brought to their knees, and humbled. Pray earnestly that they choose true repentance. Pray that they make the decision to end any and every compromising relationship with members of the opposite sex immediately. Remember the vows we took, "forsaking all others?"

I know that the power of prayer works! I am a living testimony to that fact. If you haven't read my post, "Stop Praying For Me," I would encourage you to do so (after you've prayed).

Share this with your friends who are prayer warriors. Share this with your friends who don't know what they should pray about. Share this with your friends who need a mission and purpose. Let us join together in prayer.

These verses came to mind as I wrote this:

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. (James 5:16)

Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but whoever takes crooked paths will be found out. (Proverbs 10:9)

Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy. (Proverbs 28:13)

Dear Jennifer,

I received an email from a woman who has been married 10 years. Her husband began cheating on her within the first year of their marriage. I've changed her name to protect her privacy. I also have not included her message, other than one small quote, again to protect her privacy. This was my response to her.

Hello Jennifer,

Thank you for your message.

I agree with you that what you see when men (or women) cheat is evil. That evilness is called sin. We are all sinful (Romans 3:23). The Bible says, "For out of the heart come evil thoughts--murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander" (Matt 15:19). So the Word of God also calls sexual impurity and impure thoughts evil.

However, as followers of Christ (meaning, as a sinful and evil person who has repented, been forgiven, and saved by grace), we have to make a choice how we're going to look at/view other sinful/evil people.

If we are to be followers and imitators of Christ (Eph 5:1), we have to consider the way He views us. While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. That's the way He demonstrated His love for us (Romans 5:8). That means, while we were in the midst of our sinful behavior, He looked on us with love and compassion. As He saw us in our sin, He willingly laid down His life for us so that we could have the opportunity to enter into a relationship with Him.

If we follow that model, we are able to look at our fellow sinful human beings with love and compassion.

Not only does He look at cheaters, adulterers, sexual offenders, and predators with love and compassion, He also looks at members of ISIS and other terrorist groups with love and compassion. Terrorists are evil. We as people look at them with hatred, rage, disgust, and with vengeful eyes. But Christ died for those people as well. He died for the ungodly (Romans 5:6, 1 Peter 3:18).

Cheating is a terrible crime against someone that you love. It rips apart a covenant marriage that has been consecrated before God. Cheating destroys so many things: trust, security, self-image, self-worth, and self-value.

You said that when you think your husband is a "Devil inside, suffering the life he really wants to be with me and pretend he is ok not sleeping with other women." Just remember what I've already pointed out - Christ loved your husband enough to die for him. That's the value He placed on your husband.

I can't speak for your husband, but my wife has asked me so many times, "Are you just staying with me because it's the 'morally right' thing to do?" My heart aches when she does that. My personal answer is, "No, I'm not staying with you because it's the right thing to do. I'm staying with you because I've repented (meaning I've turned away) from my stupid and sinful choices. I'm staying with you because I truly love you. I'm staying with you because I finally realize that I have enough value and worth for you to fight for me. I believe and trust that I am not worthless. In that, I don't want to continue to destroy everything good in my life. I want to fight for us now." No matter what, the bottom line is, it won't be an easy fix.

Jennifer, I don't know your husband's history. I don't know what triggered his choices of unfaithfulness in your marriage. But I do know that even though you have chosen to remain married, it sounds like you haven't fully forgiven him. I think that in full forgiveness, you wouldn't view him as a "Devil." Full forgiveness doesn't mean you'll forget what he's done either. Trust has to be rebuilt.

Integrity and accountability are vitally important to rebuilding trust. I'm going to post about those subjects next week. I'll be praying for you.

God bless you

Porn is Okay

What? Did you hear me correctly? Yes, I said that porn is okay.

Of course I don't personally believe that to be true. However, apparently it is widely acceptable by many couples. Just this morning I ran across a LMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist) blog that suggested porn is acceptable for a married couple, as long as it's not kept as a secret. This is a FLAT OUT LIE. Todd Creager, the author of the blog, must have missed a couple of key elements about what porn does to a man.

From a non-religious standpoint, porn devalues women, period. Men who view pornography learn to view women as mere objects of sexual gratification. The God-given need for relationship gives way to a consumerist mindset of pure consumption.

I can't speak about the way porn affects a woman when she watches it, but I can tell you how it makes her feel when her husband does.

Luke Gilkerson, author at Covenant Eyes posted statistical facts about porn, including this: "64% of self-identified Christian men and 15% of self-identified Christian women view pornography at least once a month." It's time for us to take each other by the hand, look to Christ, and say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! 

Dr. Grant Mullen says, "A woman whose husband has been viewing pornography experiences no different feelings than if he had had a physical affair. It is just as painful, demoralizing and real."  My wife, who has experienced both aspects (me viewing pornography, as well as physical infidelity) will tell you that they both hurt deeply. Both situations cause a woman to "feel less than good enough. Their self image, self respect, and self worth will have been thrust so far down that you might wonder if they can ever be built back up again" as I said in my post entitled, "Rough Waters."

Geoff Steurer, another LMFT says, "In all of my years of counseling individuals and couples, I have never seen any other behavior produce a pattern of pain and misery as predictable as that which happens to an individual and his marriage when he views pornography."

Jesus tells us that it is a matter of the heart, "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." (Matt 5:28) You see, Jesus, the creator of the universe says that viewing pornography is in fact, CHEATING. There isn't a single man out there who can look me in the eye, and tell me that he's not lusting when he's looking at porn.

From my own experience, I know that pornography played an important role in my own infidelity. It started way back in the early 1980's with an act of innocent curiosity.

Even though my wife and I are on the road to restoration, I've already injured her. What about you? Are you willing to take steps to remain faithful to your spouse? Are you willing to stop viewing porn immediately? Are you willing to help educate those around you about the dangers of pornography?

Here's a great resource called Pink Cross Foundation that helps heal lives from pornography: https://www.thepinkcross.org/

The founder of Pink Cross gives an incredible lecture to high school students in this youtube video:

A Side-Note From My Wife

My wife reads this blog.

This blog isn't something I'm writing secretly or without her consent. Based on my history, I refuse to do anything secretly. Secrecy destroys trust. I'm not talking about the occasional secret that you're planning with your spouse in mind, like a surprise getaway or something like that. I'm talking about lies, deception, misrepresentation of the truth, lack of full communication (ie. hopes, dreams, plans, wishes, thoughts, or anything else that you might choose to withhold from your spouse). A successful marriage takes full-disclosure, vulnerability, transparency, and trust.

This blog is painful for my wife to read.

Although everything is out in the open, when she reads my words it serves as a painful reminder of what I've done. It hurts to learn that you've been betrayed. It also hurts when you are reminded of it. In spite of that, my wife has graciously allowed me to tell our story (or at least my perspective) with the hope that it will save someone from the pain of infidelity, or even save marriages from divorce after a spouse has been unfaithful.

I have a side-note from my wife.

Sometimes when she reads a new entry, she asks about the way she's being portrayed. For example, a couple of entries ago in my post entitled, "Rough Waters," she was concerned that it might seem like she's over-dramatizing things that are behind us.

Here are her words:

I felt like I was possibly being conveyed as harsh and unreasonable...holding onto the past because questions still arise...and that I am a fragile being because I don't view myself as beautiful or valuable to you because I was unwanted and thrown away. The truth is, I may never feel that I am beautiful or valuable in your eyes.

Here is my response, not only to her, but to anyone who might have perceived her in that light:

I don't feel that I'm portraying my wife as fragile or weak. It takes the strongest of people to look an offender in the face and say, "I forgive you." It takes the Spirit of Christ Jesus living inside of someone to look the person who harmed you in the eye and say, "I truly love you."

Yes, I did throw my wife away. Yes, I did forsake our marriage vows. That was in direct correlation to the way I viewed myself as completely worthless based on my own history of pain (detailed in a previous post entitled, "Shapes from the Past."

I am striving every day to build her up, encourage her, reassure her, and help her to believe that my heart is completely hers. I love her fully, and completely. However, the result of cheating ultimately causes the wounded person to perpetually question and wonder what can be believed as truth.