If you are currently considering, thinking, fantasizing, or even curious about having an affair, I want to forewarn you that the best is not yet to come.
The best part of an affair begins with a lie.
That lie is smaller than a microscopic seed planted deeply in your mind.
That lie is the temptation that tells you, "This is what you need." "This is what you deserve." "This will give you the satisfaction you so deeply desire." "This will validate you as a person." "This will fulfill you." "This will feel good." "This will end your pain." "This is the solution."
Those are some of the lies I chose to believe.
There are many other things your temptation might say, but the point is - it's all lies.
Is anything wrong with temptation in and of itself? No. Jesus Himself endured temptation (Heb 4:15, Matt 4:1-11). It becomes wrong once we entertain the thought (Jas 1:15, Matt 5:28).
That decisive moment - the moment we entertain the thought, is honestly the best feeling in the entire ordeal. I'm not saying the feeling is good, noble, true, wonderful, or blissful in the honorable sense of the meaning. I'm saying that by looking at the arc of feelings and emotions tied to infidelity (or any sin for that matter), the best possible feeling happens in that moment of decision. From there, everything goes downhill.
You continue to tell yourself more lies to try and make yourself believe it's going to be wonderful. In reality, you're simply piling burden upon burden...creating an unbearable weight on your own shoulders.
C.S. Lewis alluded to the popular (and yet ludicrous idea), "...that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is...A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in."
Our culture in America teaches us to continually give in. "If it feels good, do it." That phrase has misguided people time and time again. What are we being sheltered from by giving in Mr. Lewis?
Ah yes - we are being sheltered from the Truth. Because if we walk "sheltered" by constantly "giving in," we bring about destruction not only to ourselves, but to those around us as well.
If we walk in the Truth, blessings are sure to follow.
Jesus said if we know the Truth, we would be free (John 8:32). He also said that His burden is light and easy (Matt 11:29), and He offered it to us in place of our self-destructive burdens.
If you are considering an affair, please believe me when I tell you that nothing good will come of it - only pain, heartache, and destruction.
Seek Godly counsel from a trusted pastor or friend. Most pastors are male, but when seeking this kind of counsel, do your best to seek out a member of the same gender as you.
I met my ex fiance in a club through friend's. Let's just say I wasn't saved then though believed in Christ Jesus and went to Church. Three months into the relationship we moved in together and an year later he engaged me. One year plus after the engagement he told me he wanted to make it official. Everybody else except me were excited about the wedding. The thing is he had changed. He would stay up all night almost daily with his friends and family making merry. Every time I questioned him about it he would say he was going to reform. We would make future plans only for him to do what he wanted. I had given him close to 60,000$ to invest together but I could no longer ask him about business. All of a sudden he said you are not supposed to do business with a spouse. He also said he spent time out because I was boring. I asked him what he meant by boring and he said I should look for friends to go out with if I had a problem with him going out. He wanted me to change and be a reflection of himself. He wanted me to do only what he likes and even at one point told me that a wife should only follow a man's dreams and I should follow only his dreams and do what he wanted me to do.
ReplyDeleteEarlier in our relationship we had a road accident and I started getting panic attacks during the day and at night but at night they were more intense. He would help me calm down but eventually I had to seek medical help and I was told I had anxiety and depression. I also learnt through counselling that I had never gotten over the loose of my father. Though he helped me he would constantly rebuke me over not doing what he wanted me to do concerning the anxiety. At one time he told me I should get over myself with mourning a father that had passed away 10 years ago.
Apart from all this he broke my trust completely when he bought a lady friend a gift of a refrigerator behind my back. This lady disliked me and the first time we met she told him I wasn't a good choice for him. Everybody else that knew him said I had a positive impact on him other than her. Except for his siblings who despite of me giving close to 60,000$ believed I was a gold digger cause his father is a prominent person in my country. To cut this story short he told me that I did not have the love of Christ Jesus if I was mad at him for buying a lady that did not like me a gift. I told him to leave and he went to one of his parents place then a week later I found out that he had taken her there to stay with him. I just called it quits. He still did not get why I called it quits and she was just a friend. Actually to date he blames me.
This man also had told me to go back to my mother's so that she can teach me how to be a wife since I can't cook but he knew that from the beginning and said he was okay with it. He now wanted me to cook for him and serve him when he came home and he comes late at night. Now he blames my family cause they were there for me during the accident and when we split. This selfish man wanted my family to abandon me while he enjoyed his life with his exes and other female's. It's been 8 months now and he feels I wronged him by calling it quits. Till today he has only given me 15,000 dollars. Our money bought two cars that he enjoys with other 3 cars. Instead of paying me he always somewhere enjoying life with other women. What he does is none of my business but why he can't pay up cause apparently he wants to buy an island. He has a new girlfriend and sidekicks but still blames me. I forgot the part where he insulted my mum with my past since I had dated an older married guy before meeting him. So do you think I should have forgiven him and taken him back.
Dear Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like a very complicated situation. I'm sorry to hear about what you had to go through. Did you end up getting married, or did you call off the wedding?
I would have highly recommended Christian counseling for both of you together. There are several things based on what you've said that could have been addressed and worked on. I do not believe that it is ever beneficial for a husband to have female friends outside of the marriage. I also believe wives should not have male friends outside of the marital relationship.
Ephesians 5 talks about mutual submission. You should not have been expected to mold yourself into your husband's likeness. Nor should he have changed into a reflection of you. A husband and wife need to mutually submit to one another out of reverence for Christ Jesus (Ephesians 5:21). Then the husband and wife should grow into the likeness of Christ Jesus together.
As far as forgiveness goes, the Bible tells us to forgive those who have wronged us. However, taking him back would be a separate issue and should have been based on his willingness to repent (meaning, to change his ways). If he were willing to repent and make efforts to become the husband God designed him to be, then taking him back would be the right thing to do. But if he remains unrepentant and unwilling to change, it sounds like he would continue to use you and mentally abuse you.
But then again, I don't know both sides of the situation either.
Don't get me wrong. I am no saint cause this man had brought anger and resentment in me. I left because I knew staying in that relationship would make me into the worst person ever. After I left him I wanted to also not care but I reconsidered cause I knew it would only make me feel worse than I already did. I chose to go back to church and give my life fully to Jesus. It's the best thing I have ever done and I am glad cause now I am happy and I know I will now get my God ordained spouse that I am praying for. I forgave him and I forgave myself but my question is after everything he had done without acknowledging he had wronged me and actually felt I was the one in the wrong. Should I have taken him back?
ReplyDeleteRealize this is just my opinion, but I believe you did the right thing based on what you've told me.
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