Renewed Vows of a Forgiven Cheater and His Wife

I forsook my vows. I ignored my vows. I desecrated the covenant of holy matrimony.

Now that my wife and I have taken the journey of restoration, we have also expressed our love for each other with an informal renewal of our vows. We each took the time to write new affirmations of love and vows for each other.

One day in the near future, we will have an official renewal of vows ceremony. Until that day comes, I would like to share with you what we've expressed to each other. This expression of love was the final 'dare' in a year-long couple's devotional called, "The Love Dare Day by Day."

Several references in our letters are personal and probably won't make sense, but the point of sharing this is to give hope and to inspire those who wonder if their love can ever be rekindled and healed.

 My Letter To Her

My Love,

I want to boldly proclaim my love for you. I want you to hear me, my heart, my mind, my soul, and my lips say that I am joyfully committed to you for the rest of my life. I have suffered throughout my life with burdens from the past that crippled me and stunted my growth and potential as a man. This was a result of my own immaturity. Thankfully, you have stayed the course. You have graciously received me back after the darkest hour of our lives. You have me now. You have my undying love for you, as well as a love that would be willing to die for you. You are everything I could ever hope or pray for in a wife. I truly thank God for you. In that, I want to make my vows clear to you. These vows will not be broken. I value this covenant commitment with my life. I believe that these words are a binding proclamation of my life, joined in union with your life.

I, [Forgiven Cheater], take you, [My Wife] as a life-long best friend, companion, lover, prayer partner, soul-mate, spouse, teammate, roommate, and number one fan – to have, to hold, to cherish, to admire, to support (in all aspects of that word), to cry with, to pray with, to laugh with, to sing with, to dance with, to cuddle with, to be an intimate ally with, to eat with, to live with, to suffer with, to endure with, to bless with, to freely play with, to absolutely and irrevocably become one with in body, mind, and spirit – no longer two individuals living life side-by-side, but rather as one unified whole person – completed by this fusion of two flawed individuals, living life as one flesh, one desire, and as one purpose, together, even when temporarily physically apart; through sickness and in good health, through good times and in bad times, for rich or for poor, while always holding Christ Jesus as our Lord and Ruler, until death do us part.

Love always and forever,

[Forgiven Cheater]

Her Letter to Me

Dear [Husband],

When you are a little girl you dream about being swept off of your feet.

You dream of the true Cinderella story.

However, as life unfolds you quickly learn that Cinderella is just a fairly tale.

That you are not Cinderella and the chances of meeting a prince were not possible.

I realize that my story is much deeper and much more complicated.

It seems to relate more to the tale of Finding Nemo.

It started with a human who was attempting to be funny by making fish lips.

From that moment I desired to be near you!

From that moment I knew that you were someone that I wanted to spend my life with.

I was swept away and fell in love in that instant connection.

Little did I know that I would love you so deeply, so intensely, so quickly.

I never expected to have my heart consumed.

The more I got to know you, it became clear that you were not just a normal guy.

You were much more.

You were complicated and raw.

You displayed compassion and love for others.

You had a real relationship with God and you made me want something more.

It wasn’t until I met you, that I realized that kind of relationship was even possible.

You made me dig deeper.

You made me strive to be a better person, one with integrity and love.

I lived in such a dark place as a child and you opened it up and shined light on it.

You gave me hope.

You gave me something to strive for.

You helped me see beyond myself and realize that so much more was possible.

That dreams do come true.

They just aren’t always the way you envision them.

Life has not been a fairy tale.

It has been an adventure.

One with daring twists and complicated plots.

I have had some of the most joyous moments in my life with you.

Many of my first were with you.

My most precious memories include you.

I would not trade anything for my experiences with you.

You allowed me to be a mother.

Something that I wouldn’t trade for anything else in the world!

The joy of unconditional love- a love like no other.

That is one of my most prized memories in this life.

That experience alone has made me grow and I couldn’t have done that without you.

Even cartoons experience heartache and loss.

They go through experiences that tear them apart, leave them hopeless, and heart broken.

I often wish that life didn’t need to include pain or suffering.

That we could learn valuable lessons a different way.

I can’t change those experiences.

I only hope to grow through them.

I promise, just like I did 21 years ago… To take you for better, or for worse; for rich or for poor, in sickness and in health, as long as we both live.

I promise to be your love, your best friend, your accomplice, your soul mate, your partner, your intimate ally, your side kick, your number one fan, your amigo, your secret admirer, your confidant, your secretary, your girl- forever…

I am yours and always have been yours. You have my heart, my life, my soul. You make my life complete. I am no longer in this life alone. I have you by my side. Just as God said, “the two shall become one.” This is my promise and covenant with you.

I am one with you!

I love you,

[Wife]

Raw Words From My Wife

Context For This Post

I asked my wife to write down a few words to describe the difficulties associated with being cheated on, as well as the process of forgiveness and restoration from her perspective...the one I wounded with my actions.

What She Had To Say

When your spouse has been unfaithful you no longer feel whole. You feel like part of you has been ripped away. You feel like you have been thrown away, forsaken.

When you are told you aren't attractive and no longer loved, it makes you question every comment that was ever said and every moment ever lived. You wonder how much of your life has been a lie...how much you have been lied to. You wonder if you were ever attractive and if you were ever loved.

The Reasons I've Been Shattered  

A girl's greatest desire is to be loved fully and unconditionally. Yet, when you are betrayed, left for someone else, you question your worth...your value as a person. Everything comes into question. You begin to compare yourself to the newer model, who happens to be younger, skinner, blonder, funnier, outspoken, and boisterous. Everything becomes a question of why. Why wasn't I good enough, pretty enough, ______ enough? You come to the conclusion that you just aren't enough and you never will be. You don't have what your spouse is looking for. You don't match up to what he desires. You blame yourself. You deny yourself. You lie to yourself. You kill yourself through that process...or at least you feel that the former you has died. You no longer have any self esteem or self worth. You become a shell of a person who can no longer trust what others say because the one who mattered most, taught you that you were nothing as you were thrown out like the garbage.

No matter what, you will never be the same.

Doubts 

So, what happens when your spouse wants to reconcile and claims to have been confused? You question everything. You question your spouse's intentions and sincerity. Why? Because he has already deeply hurt you and eroded all trust, said hurtful things that damaged the soul and spirit, claimed to have never loved...spent so much time convincing...lied continually. That can't be undone. The words fall on deaf ears....you learn to believe nothing the person says. That doesn't mean you don't want to...you can't. How can you trust and believe someone who has hurt you so deeply- that person who was supposed to be your protector, your most intimate ally has betrayed you and left you for dead. Your spouse was evil and malicious; planning and plotting his deceitful actions with purposeful intent. He chose his words carefully, using every weapon in his artillery against you. To the point where you become so wounded you don't even resemble the person you once were.

How can you believe anything? Now he tells you that you're pretty, but last year you were "unattractive." Now he claims to love you, but last year he didn't. You no longer know what to believe.

Why should you allow yourself to believe someone who has already repeated the same thing over and over? You would be stupid according to most people, to let down your guard and try to believe and

trust again. After all, it's already repeated.

Your spouse has shaped what you believe about yourself and has shaped who you are now and who you will be in the future.

Will I ever truly be loved? Will I ever be able to believe that I'm loved? I don't know. Will I ever believe that I am beautiful? I'm not sure. It never mattered to me if others thought I was beautiful. Only one opinion mattered and he made his opinion very clear when he was steeped in adultery.

The Reality Of The Faithful One 

Interestingly enough, you are able to realize that your spouse who cheated, and left you for someone "amazing" didn't actually get someone better. You were better because you had integrity and honesty. You were better because you were faithful. You were better because you kept your vows. You begin to realize that he left you for a harlot, an adulterer, someone who was evil and deceitful, someone living a lie in filth. They will never be one ounce of who you were, or who you are. Although that still doesn't change how you feel your spouse perceives you now, even as you reconcile and forgive. Does he truly love you? Does he truly mean what he says? Is his heart truly repentant? 

God's Call To The Brokenhearted And Betrayed

"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times." (Matthew 18:21-22 NIV)

The Bible tells us that God "heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" (Psalm 147:3), and that He is "close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34:18).

This doesn't mean that we are to simply be a doormat to be trampled, but a living example of Christ Jesus through our actions. Love is a verb. Love is not a passive nicety stamped on the front of a greeting card. Jesus' love was demonstrated for us like this: "while we were still sinners [He] died for us" (Romans 5:8). 

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins" (1 Peter 4:8).

The Dangers of Counseling

It's Healthy...Right?

That seems to be the popular consensus - counseling is "healthy." Who determines what is healthy and what is not? Oprah? Dr. Phil? Our culture? Maybe your best friend told you that counseling is healthy. Maybe your mom told you, so it must be true...and even if it's not, you can't argue with mom.

What does the Bible say about marriage counseling? Nothing specifically. 

There are several verses regarding wisdom, and Godly counsel. Here is a link to a good list at openbible.info. Although, in that list, Godly counsel and wisdom would be properly executed by referring someone to passages of Scripture that define the roles in marriage the way God designed them, as well as God's prescription for living life in a Christlike manner. 

For example, a wife is to "submit [herself] to [her] husband[], as is fitting in the Lord" (Colossians 3:18).  Also, a husband is to love his wife, "just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:25). In general, we are to "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves" (Philippians 2:3). DO YOU HEAR WHAT'S BEING SAID IN THOSE VERSES ALONE??!!??

Wives: SUBMIT TO YOUR HUSBAND

Husbands: GIVE YOURSELF UP - SACRIFICE UNABASHEDLY FOR YOUR WIFE

Both of you: HUMBLY CONSIDER OTHER PEOPLE AS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU

If those three verses were fully lived out by every married couple, there would be no divorce. There would be no infidelity. THAT would be an example of something truly healthy.

It's basic Christianity 101. Let's not forget the two most important commands that Jesus underlined in His teaching: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind...Love your neighbor as yourself..." (Matthew 22:37-40). Jesus called those the two greatest commandments, and said that the ENTIRE law hangs on both of them. 

We'll Learn to Communicate

How did you get her number in the first place? You asked for it? Oh, so you already knew how to communicate. What's his favorite pastime? What's her favorite flower? What's his favorite team? Where is her favorite romantic getaway? Where can you take him for his favorite burger? How did you come to know so much about your spouse? Did the information float into your head as you were sleeping one night? Of course not. You communicated. You already know how to communicate with each other. 

Right now, it just feels like there is some kind of blockage getting in the way. She shuts down. He won't listen. He never opens up. She nags. It's all locked in a negative stalemate. Now is the time to pray for selflessness, and humility. Get over yourself. Block out a couple of hours. Sit down together WITHOUT distractions like cellphones. Listen. Talk. Listen some more. Repent. Apologize. Forgive.

Let me tell you what I learned from counseling. The only thing I actually learned from counseling was that P + P = C. Meaning, Person plus Person equals Conflict. That means that no matter who you marry, you'll be two people headed for conflict. Accept it. Deal with it. Learn to meditate on the Bible verses mentioned above. 

If the two of you put each other first in all things, communication will become much easier. You'll constantly be checking in and reevaluating each other's needs. 

We'll Learn to Use Helpful Tools

There were no tools that I learned to use as we sat in the counselor's office. What I gained in all of our counseling sessions were caches and caches of ammunition for divorce. 

I hung onto every word that seemed to support my twisted stance on our 'broken' relationship. Rather than picking up tools to rebuild, I found weapons to increase the destruction. 

We'll Find a Good Christian Counselor

Whoa, now...easy cheetah.  Let's slow down and ask ourselves what that means first. Are we simply looking for a counselor who happens to be a Christian? That doesn't mean much of anything if they are giving you a watered down version of the truth, while placating a spouse who has situational anger issues.

Are we looking for a counselor who actively integrates Godly wisdom into every session? If so, that would be a rare find in any traditional, "professional" counseling office.

When my wife was first searching for a Christian counselor, she literally called over thirty different offices and asked one question: Do you believe in divorce as a viable option. She heard all kinds of answers, ranging from indignation to backpedaling and hesitation, but always cloaked with awkward discomfort. She couldn't find but one who actually said that they didn't support divorce, but realized it was unavoidable in some situations. 

Where has courage gone? Why is everyone so hesitant to stand for marriage restoration?

So, What Should We Do?

I believe you can get more counseling done in the car on the way to and from a counseling session. I believe with an earnest desire to change, you can sit down together as a couple, study God's Word (the Bible) and learn more about the right way to live and communicate than in a "professional counselor's" office. 

Find a good Bible-based Christian church in your area. Schedule an appointment to speak with one of the pastors. They will probably do more for your marriage in terms of Godly wisdom, than any so-called Christian marriage counselor. 

I'm not saying that all counselors have ill intentions, or are innately bad per-se, but I am saying that you absolutely need to proceed with caution. 

Life Returns to a New "Normal"

Life Will Return to a New "Normal"

I've mainly posted examples, thoughts, and experiences of mine that have to do with the challenges, struggles, and emotions that go along with the decision to restore a marriage after infidelity has occurred.

Our story needs to be told. People need to hear that there is hope for a marriage, even in the most dire and heartbreaking situations. The common and popular "solution" of divorce, is not the only option. Divorce doesn't solve anything in most situations. Usually it complicates matters. It divides lives. It tears people apart. It shakes the foundation of children's complete existence. People will tell you, "Don't worry about it, kids are resilient." Well, guess what? Children suffer tremendously when their parents get divorced. Don't believe me? Check out this article: How Could Divorce Affect My Kids?

In light of that, I also wanted to give a glimpse into the daily routine of my life. I wanted to let those of you who are considering restoration, or beginning the restoration process see that life will one day again return to normal. The seemingly insurmountable storm standing before you does not represent everything you are going to face.

Yes, you will face sorrow, regret, depression, anger, frustration, and possibly even a small taste of insanity. BUT, you will also face happiness, joy, laughter, wonderment, good times, and even the "normal' day-to-day kinds of routines you once knew.

I Am Not Who I Once Was

There will be one distinct and unshakeable fact that is quite different than before. You will have stepped into a deeper realm of awareness, maturity, humility, and wisdom that you never knew existed. The phrase, "I'm not the person I once was," always seemed so annoying to me whenever I heard anyone say that before. Now, I can attest that it is truly possible to change. I am not who I was before.  Most importantly, this process of healing, forgiveness, and restoration could not have happened without Christ Jesus. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" (2 Corinthians 5:17).

A Day In the Life of a Forgiven Cheater

The alarm goes off. I grab the phone and opened the Our Daily Bread app. I'm not perfectly consistent, but I am trying to be intentional with morning devotions and prayer with my wife.

I dawdle around in the bedroom as my wife heads downstairs to make breakfast.

I make my way to the children's bedrooms and wake them up. 

We all head down to help out with breakfast and morning chores.

During breakfast, we have to intervene in an argument between one of our older boys and one of our younger boys. The situation quickly changes gears to a couple of jokes and some laughter. The topic shifts again to ideas about the day's itinerary.

Throughout the day, I hug my wife and kiss her a few random times. I do have a deeper appreciation for her now. When I look at her and realize I could have lost her because of my own stupidity, I am so thankful that she's still here and that she still loves me.

We run errands, go shopping for a few grocery items, and even walk aimlessly through a mall, as I try to distract my wife's attention from some of the Home Goods/Pier One types of stores. I hate going into those places.

Later in the evening, we try to leave the house after the kids are in bed. We coax the older kids into "babysitting duty," with nothing more than the freedom to play video games into the late hours of the night.

I give my wife a ride on the motorcycle into a decent L.A. shopping area. Motorcycle rides on date nights are fun. We grabbed some frozen yogurt and then caught a late night movie.

Almost nothing was discussed about the past, the affairs, trust, sadness, or anything else other than regular everyday 'stuff.'

You see? Life can be normal once again. Take heart. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.