I Believe...
I believe in the power of inner transformation. I was driving an immovable wedge through the heart of my family. I was the conduit of destruction in my home. I allowed sin to penetrate deep into my heart and mind, which clouded my judgment, my contentment and my desire to follow God's will in my life. Romans 8:5-7 says, Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires...The mind governed by the flesh is death...[and] is hostile to God; it does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so (NIV).I was opposed to anything remotely associated with God; church, prayer, resisting temptation, reading the Bible...
If you've read other entries on my blog, you will be somewhat familiar with my journey. It didn't happen overnight, but the transformation of my heart and mind did eventually take place.
Here we are, nearly 5 years after the worst moment in our marriage and I am so deeply in love with my wife. This is the same woman that I believed I would never love like I was supposed to. This is the same woman I said terrible things to. This is the same woman I chose to file divorce papers against.
If this is the first entry you've read here, these words summarize our journey:
SIN PAIN LUST ADULTERY ANGUISH STRIFE TEARS REGRET GRACE FORGIVENESS MATURITY RESTORATION JOY PEACE
Our journey is not over. But without the underlying power of Jesus, we would not have made it this far.
What is this power you speak of?
The Bible says, if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you. Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation - but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live. For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. (Romans 8:11-14).
You see, there are two powers at work in the world. There is the power of God/Jesus/The Holy Spirit and there is the power of satan/sin/death. You have the choice to follow and obey either one, but there is no middle ground. You must choose one or the other.
I was living according to my flesh. I was following the path of self-worship, idolatry, lust, greed, self-destruction and death. I took a turn for destruction when I ignored God's plan for my life. Some people ask, "How could God allow this to happen?" Because we all have free will. We all have the option to choose between right or wrong, life or death, sinful or holy decisions. God's plan is to redeem and to restore.
You might be in the midst of the storm right now. You might be on the brink of making that heart-wrenching discovery that your spouse is cheating. As horrid as it feels right now in your situation, please take heart. There is hope. Our story is a living testament to that.
In the same way the prophet Zechariah spoke these words to Zerubbabel, governor in a province of Judah, they are applicable in your situation as well, Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the LORD Almighty (Zechariah 4:6). We cannot stand alone in our own strength to face terrible situations, but by the power of God we can.
My husband text cheated on and off during 6 months with an ex-student (he's 36 and she's 22) I discovered his messages and confronted him, long story short we are trying to work things out.
ReplyDeleteMy problem is that he doesn't share his feelings, just opened up when confessing and a couple of times when I asked and almost demanded that he shared his feelings, basically he doubts he loves me and feels out of place in the house sometimes and that this feelings makes him really uncomfortable and depressed, he's scared that THIS are he's real feelings and that he has to leave, and don't believe that this is really what he feels but year of mutual emotional neglect left him in this state.
Now I'm trying to heal but when I tell him that I feel sad because I keep remembering things(I don't even tell him exactly what things I'm remembering) and he goes stiff and doesn't say too much or says "why you keep thinking those things" or when I burst out crying, he hugs me and says "what can I do for you". I feel awkward tell in him what to do. I don't know what to do anymore, do I try to be happy that he his with me and says that he loves me? Do I give him space? Are my feelings overwhelming to him and reminds him of his affair?
Everyday I doubt that he really loves me and it doesn't help that he comes home late because of work. I want to believe that he loves me and I completely forgive him. I try to be nice and loving to him and repair the damage I've done to him also.
I feel that I'm just nagging him to share his feelings and he doesn't want to, and he's not as comforting when I'm sad like he just to at the beginning, when everything was exposed. We are both Christians but kind of fallen from grace and not constant on our church. Sorry for the bad english, it's not my first language.
I would love to know an update on your journey.
DeleteCheating complicates things immensely. Feelings get distorted, reality crumbles at times. I would highly recommend getting plugged into a local church. You need support from other believers. You need people praying for you and with you. You need other strong, Godly couples walking along side of you.
ReplyDeleteRight now he's got mixed emotions and feelings because of his sin. I am going to call it what it is: sin. The Bible says that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25). Did it 'feel' good for Jesus to step down out of His rightful place in Heaven in order to live on earth and then to die on our behalf? No. Love isn't about feelings all the time. Love is about sacrifice, commitment, endurance, selflessness...and sometimes love will 'feel' good.
I wrote a couple of posts a while back called, "I've Fallen Out of Love" and "Rebuilding Trust." Take a look at those to help direct your next steps.
Please continue to pray for your husband. I KNOW his heart can change. He's saying things I said to my wife. I'm at the other end of that tunnel now. I would NEVER leave her.
With God nothing is impossible! Thank you for your post.
ReplyDeleteThank you Andrew.
DeleteI think as a person our biggest fear is always the unknown. Where do I go? what am I going to do? can I afford to leave him? am I too old? all these questions and uncertainties.
ReplyDeleteOr, one of the biggest questions is - Can we rebuild what has been broken? I can tell you that our marriage has been restored. It's been 5 years now. I fully regret ever hurting my beloved wife. But I am so thankful for our marriage today.
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