Porn is Okay

What? Did you hear me correctly? Yes, I said that porn is okay.

Of course I don't personally believe that to be true. However, apparently it is widely acceptable by many couples. Just this morning I ran across a LMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist) blog that suggested porn is acceptable for a married couple, as long as it's not kept as a secret. This is a FLAT OUT LIE. Todd Creager, the author of the blog, must have missed a couple of key elements about what porn does to a man.

From a non-religious standpoint, porn devalues women, period. Men who view pornography learn to view women as mere objects of sexual gratification. The God-given need for relationship gives way to a consumerist mindset of pure consumption.

I can't speak about the way porn affects a woman when she watches it, but I can tell you how it makes her feel when her husband does.

Luke Gilkerson, author at Covenant Eyes posted statistical facts about porn, including this: "64% of self-identified Christian men and 15% of self-identified Christian women view pornography at least once a month." It's time for us to take each other by the hand, look to Christ, and say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! 

Dr. Grant Mullen says, "A woman whose husband has been viewing pornography experiences no different feelings than if he had had a physical affair. It is just as painful, demoralizing and real."  My wife, who has experienced both aspects (me viewing pornography, as well as physical infidelity) will tell you that they both hurt deeply. Both situations cause a woman to "feel less than good enough. Their self image, self respect, and self worth will have been thrust so far down that you might wonder if they can ever be built back up again" as I said in my post entitled, "Rough Waters."

Geoff Steurer, another LMFT says, "In all of my years of counseling individuals and couples, I have never seen any other behavior produce a pattern of pain and misery as predictable as that which happens to an individual and his marriage when he views pornography."

Jesus tells us that it is a matter of the heart, "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." (Matt 5:28) You see, Jesus, the creator of the universe says that viewing pornography is in fact, CHEATING. There isn't a single man out there who can look me in the eye, and tell me that he's not lusting when he's looking at porn.

From my own experience, I know that pornography played an important role in my own infidelity. It started way back in the early 1980's with an act of innocent curiosity.

Even though my wife and I are on the road to restoration, I've already injured her. What about you? Are you willing to take steps to remain faithful to your spouse? Are you willing to stop viewing porn immediately? Are you willing to help educate those around you about the dangers of pornography?

Here's a great resource called Pink Cross Foundation that helps heal lives from pornography: https://www.thepinkcross.org/

The founder of Pink Cross gives an incredible lecture to high school students in this youtube video:

A Side-Note From My Wife

My wife reads this blog.

This blog isn't something I'm writing secretly or without her consent. Based on my history, I refuse to do anything secretly. Secrecy destroys trust. I'm not talking about the occasional secret that you're planning with your spouse in mind, like a surprise getaway or something like that. I'm talking about lies, deception, misrepresentation of the truth, lack of full communication (ie. hopes, dreams, plans, wishes, thoughts, or anything else that you might choose to withhold from your spouse). A successful marriage takes full-disclosure, vulnerability, transparency, and trust.

This blog is painful for my wife to read.

Although everything is out in the open, when she reads my words it serves as a painful reminder of what I've done. It hurts to learn that you've been betrayed. It also hurts when you are reminded of it. In spite of that, my wife has graciously allowed me to tell our story (or at least my perspective) with the hope that it will save someone from the pain of infidelity, or even save marriages from divorce after a spouse has been unfaithful.

I have a side-note from my wife.

Sometimes when she reads a new entry, she asks about the way she's being portrayed. For example, a couple of entries ago in my post entitled, "Rough Waters," she was concerned that it might seem like she's over-dramatizing things that are behind us.

Here are her words:

I felt like I was possibly being conveyed as harsh and unreasonable...holding onto the past because questions still arise...and that I am a fragile being because I don't view myself as beautiful or valuable to you because I was unwanted and thrown away. The truth is, I may never feel that I am beautiful or valuable in your eyes.

Here is my response, not only to her, but to anyone who might have perceived her in that light:

I don't feel that I'm portraying my wife as fragile or weak. It takes the strongest of people to look an offender in the face and say, "I forgive you." It takes the Spirit of Christ Jesus living inside of someone to look the person who harmed you in the eye and say, "I truly love you."

Yes, I did throw my wife away. Yes, I did forsake our marriage vows. That was in direct correlation to the way I viewed myself as completely worthless based on my own history of pain (detailed in a previous post entitled, "Shapes from the Past."

I am striving every day to build her up, encourage her, reassure her, and help her to believe that my heart is completely hers. I love her fully, and completely. However, the result of cheating ultimately causes the wounded person to perpetually question and wonder what can be believed as truth.

It Won't Be An Easy Fix

This post is addressed to offenders, cheaters, unfaithful spouses, and any other label you want to put onto someone in that category.

If you have decided to repent (which means to turn away from your sin), ask for forgiveness, make amends with the person you have wronged/hurt/shattered, and to restore your relationship, please be prepared for a journey.

When I use the word, 'journey,' I am not implying a short walk by any means. This will be a long road with many dips, hills, valleys, sheer cliffs, and treacherous terrain.

In the American culture (a culture overly-saturated with a consumerist mindset), we buy, use, and then throw away. We can immediately replace what we've thrown away with something completely new. Somehow, this mindset and cultural behavior has translated into the realm of human relationships.

We enter into new relationships with false expectations. We place unrealistic hopes and dreams into another flawed human who can't possibly satisfy us completely. I learned in marriage counseling that "P + P = C," meaning that Person plus Person equals Conflict.

We were designed for a committed relationship with a member of the opposite gender, however that relationship wasn't meant to replace the relationship and/or worship of Christ Jesus (who came to give us abundant life). He alone can fully satisfy and fill the empty void within each one of us.

Even though we as offenders/cheaters/unfaithful spouses were the ones who caused the pain and destruction through our actions, we sometimes get frustrated with aspects of the journey. We look at our spouse and wonder, "Why can't we just move forward?" "Why are there more questions?" "How long will it be until life gets back to normal?" We ask these, and many other similar questions.

I'll address the three questions I mentioned specifically.

Why cant we just move forward?
The truth is, you are moving forward. I can't say it enough - this is not a quick fix. Believe it or not, the painful destruction we've caused in our loved one doesn't heal with a little antibacterial ointment and a band-aid. The healing not only takes divine intervention, but metaphorical open heart surgery, and sutures. You are moving forward, but the steps you take together are sometimes almost invisible to the naked eye.

Why are there more questions?
Almost anything can trigger questions about 'what happened' when the infidelity occurred. Unfaithfulness causes your spouse to question their self worth, "Why wasn't I good enough...pretty enough?" Allow the questions to come as they will. Be patient and gracious (remember which offense(s) your loved one has forgiven you of). Avoid agitation, irritation, and defensiveness at all costs.

How long will it be until life gets back to normal?
This is a new normal. Things can't and won't return to the way they were before the infidelity occurred. Trust has been broken. Pain has been dealt with a heavy blow. However, that doesn't mean that life won't be beautiful and enjoyable ever again. Realize that with any major decision in life, things aren't going to be "normal" as before. Things will always be changing. Life will always be different as we move forward. However, a marriage restored is more beautiful than a marriage destroyed.

Rough Waters

Praise God we've made it to this point!

The last week or so has been quite rough. Yesterday, however, things got better. We laughed together. We shared smiles. We held each other.

My wife informed me that the next month or two might be difficult. She wasn't kidding.

It was around this time last year when things got ugly. I wonder if the Easter Season will always remain this way. Have I stained and tainted one of the most glorious events in all of human history with my sinful and destructive choices?

Easter is a time to celebrate the historical and verifiable resurrection of the Lord Jesus Christ. His victory over the grave provided a genuine and accessible joy and freedom to everyone on the planet.

Because I chose to have a relationship outside of my marriage during the Easter Season (2014), and in 2013 I chose to secretly carry on conversations with a girl from my past (including seeing her in person a couple of times), this time of year brings about painful reminders for my wife.

A couple of days ago, my wife asked me if I was hiding anything. She asked me if I had anything devastating to tell her.

I understand why she wanted to know. In the past, I was hiding. I hid my inner conflict. I hid my inner pain. I hid the fact that I didn't know how to deal with issues from my past. I hid the fact that I felt helpless to clearly express disagreement with my wife. I hid relationships that I fostered outside of my marriage. I taught my wife that I was not to be trusted. I violated her trust repeatedly.

This time, I have nothing to hide. I am broken. I have been humbled. I am transparent with my wife. I have chosen the road of true repentance.

It actually feels good to have nothing secretly hidden deep down. I prefer the light and easy burden of honesty. Carrying around lies and secrets is a dreadful way to live. Trust me, I lived that way for quite a long time.

So, when my wife asked me if I was hiding anything, I was able to freely and truthfully answer, "No." I am hiding nothing. I am completely hers - body, mind, and heart.

A major problem with infidelity is that the person who has been cheated on will compare themself to the "others." They will perpetually wonder why you chose physical/psychological intimacy with someone else. They will continue to feel less than good enough. Their self image, self respect, and self worth will have been thrust so far down that you might wonder if they can ever be built back up again.

I am here to tell you that there will be seasons. There will be ebbs and flows. The healing process takes a great deal of time.

If you are in the process of restoration, please know that there will be good days, and there will be bad days. Continue to love each other through the pain. Continue to stand hand in hand. Continue to stand side by side. Carry each other when you need to. Look to Christ Jesus always for your strength.

Blessings to you  

Different Kinds Of Haters

People like happy endings...

...apparently in movies, and books...

...but not necessarily in real life.

I guess we'd first need to come to an agreement about the true value of "happiness," vs. "joy."
The Bible teaches us to be joyful in situations when we face trials of many kinds. There is something greater and deeper in the realm of joy, than what is contained in mere pursuit of happiness. 

Happiness is fleeting, but joy can be everlasting.

Happiness depends on the subjective reaction to any and every situation.

Joy depends on the objective Truth and Hope, only to be found in Christ Jesus.

That leads me to the purpose of the title, "Different Kinds Of Haters."

In fiction, people want to hear the "happy ending," or the fairytale cliché, "...and they lived happily ever after." All you see or hear at the end of a story is a momentary slice of temporal satisfaction. You don't hear the real-life story of two sinful people living life together, trying to make things work.

Just to clarify, all people are sinful.

With two self-centered, sinful human beings, there will be conflict.

If you add the element of infidelity into the mix, you've just made matters 1,000,000 times worse.

However, the relationship doesn't have to end. (Please read my prior posts to understand where I'm coming from). With true repentance, forgiveness, and grace, a marriage can be restored.

Here is where we discover different kinds of haters.

In fiction, people want the standard happy ending. In reality - in situations involving infidelity - people want a different kind of "happy" ending. According to secular opinion, (and even in many Christian circles) the person in the relationship who has been wronged is justified in "dumping," or divorcing the cheating spouse.

When those people hear of situations like ours, they don't respond kindly. They take a combative and negative approach, "You're stupid for sticking around." "Once a cheater, always a cheater." "I'd throw his ____ out."

I'm not in support of any kind of infidelity (in the thought life, in your heart, or physically). However, I know it happens more often than we realize.

I also know firsthand that a person can repent. I know that a heart can become aligned with the will of Christ Jesus. I know that a restored marriage reflects the very Spirit of God.

We as a human race have turned from God. He loved us before we even knew Him. Even after we enter into a relationship with Him, we still have tendencies to "cheat" on Him (meaning that we sin against Him).

There is an eternal joy available to everyone who believes in Him. There is also a lasting joy that can be experienced when a broken relationship is mended.

Why not celebrate a relationship restored, rather than attack someone who has the courage and grace to forgive?

The Best Part of an Affair

If you are currently considering, thinking, fantasizing, or even curious about having an affair, I want to forewarn you that the best is not yet to come.

The best part of an affair begins with a lie.

That lie is smaller than a microscopic seed planted deeply in your mind.

That lie is the temptation that tells you, "This is what you need." "This is what you deserve." "This will give you the satisfaction you so deeply desire." "This will validate you as a person." "This will fulfill you." "This will feel good." "This will end your pain." "This is the solution."

Those are some of the lies I chose to believe.

There are many other things your temptation might say, but the point is - it's all lies.

Is anything wrong with temptation in and of itself? No. Jesus Himself endured temptation (Heb 4:15, Matt 4:1-11). It becomes wrong once we entertain the thought (Jas 1:15, Matt 5:28).

That decisive moment - the moment we entertain the thought, is honestly the best feeling in the entire ordeal. I'm not saying the feeling is good, noble, true, wonderful, or blissful in the honorable sense of the meaning. I'm saying that by looking at the arc of feelings and emotions tied to infidelity (or any sin for that matter), the best possible feeling happens in that moment of decision. From there, everything goes downhill.

You continue to tell yourself more lies to try and make yourself believe it's going to be wonderful. In reality, you're simply piling burden upon burden...creating an unbearable weight on your own shoulders.

C.S. Lewis alluded to the popular (and yet ludicrous idea), "...that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is...A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in."

Our culture in America teaches us to continually give in. "If it feels good, do it." That phrase has misguided people time and time again. What are we being sheltered from by giving in Mr. Lewis?

Ah yes - we are being sheltered from the Truth. Because if we walk "sheltered" by constantly "giving in," we bring about destruction not only to ourselves, but to those around us as well.
If we walk in the Truth, blessings are sure to follow.

Jesus said if we know the Truth, we would be free (John 8:32). He also said that His burden is light and easy (Matt 11:29), and He offered it to us in place of our self-destructive burdens.

If you are considering an affair, please believe me when I tell you that nothing good will come of it - only pain, heartache, and destruction.

Seek Godly counsel from a trusted pastor or friend. Most pastors are male, but when seeking this kind of counsel, do your best to seek out a member of the same gender as you.

Stop Praying For Me

When I was in the midst of my rebellion and sin, my heart began to harden.

I couldn't pray anymore.

I loathed going to church.

I hated putting on the phony smile around my Christian friends.

I didn't even want to touch my bible.

I felt annoyed when Christian music was being played.

I chose to listen strictly to 'mainstream' music since it fed my mood of discontent.

Each of these things in and of themselves are not innately wrong per se. However, for me, at that point in time, it was all of them - at every waking moment.

I don't even remember all of the cruel and heartless things I said to my wife, but my family all agrees that I was definitely not my normal self.

I felt a palpable darkness looming over me - a heavy weight bearing down on my shoulders.

My wife and my children prayed for me...all the time. So much so, that I remember feeling extremely annoyed with it. Every single meal I had to listen to, "Dear God, please bless this food...and please help my Daddy to love my Mommy again...help him to change..." The prayers at bedtime were similar in nature.

When I would lie down in bed every night, I listened to my wife tearfully praying for me and pleading with God to soften my heart and bring about a change.

I actually asked them to stop praying for me. I told them that they could pray however they wanted to when I wasn't around, but I didn't want to hear it anymore.

I honestly did not believe that prayer would change a single thing.

Around that time, there was a Men's Encounter scheduled with our church. I did NOT want to attend. Interestingly enough, I had wanted to attend previous Men's Encounters, but logistically it never worked out.

This time, there was nothing stopping me or getting in the way (aside from myself). My wife pleaded with me to attend. Several men in the church overly-encouraged me to attend. I reluctantly agreed (and probably thought I'd find some temporary solace from the overabundance of prayers on the home front). 

That weekend was more than an "Encounter" with God. That weekend was a divinely planned moment of breakthrough. I was completely broken before the Throne of Grace. I remember praying/pleading/begging God to soften my heart. I asked Him to not allow the hardness of my heart to continue.

Fast forward to the present day. I am blown away at how far I'd strayed. I hang my head and shake it in disgust and shame at the non-man I'd allowed myself to become.

I am a living example of the power of prayer and how it can truly change someone's life.

If you know someone who needs Jesus (whether a non-believer, or a believer who's strayed), pray, pray, pray, and then continue to pray.

"...pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." (James 5:16)

A heartfelt and sincere thanks is given to my dear wife and to my boys for lifting me up in prayer.

It Just Happened

A Follow-Up As Promised

In a previous post, I stated, "...the cliché: It just happened is a lie. There is a decision made deep within the heart of a person before actions are ever initiated." I also said that I would address this in more detail in the future. Here are some of my thoughts on the subject.

It just happened...

I didn't know what I was doing...

One thing led to another...

Two of those excuses are flat out lies. One of them is an excuse, but more honest and true than the speaker of the excuse might realize.

It Just Happened

When you enter into a relational commitment of any kind, especially one as intricately binding as marriage, there is no room for an exit plan, we'll see what happens, escape plan, backup plan, or any other kind of plan B, C, or D.

Your spouse, your future with your spouse, all of your future dreams and aspirations, everything - it's all meshed and merged together with another person. You and your spouse - two separate people, have become one. The design for a husband and wife to no longer think, live, or function as individuals who happen to live together, goes back to the beginning of creation. Your marriage is plan A-Z.

Speaking from my own experience, I kept an exit plan in the back of my mind when I got married. Part of that stemmed from my cultural awareness of the 'normality' of divorce. Part of it stemmed from my cultural foundation in a consumerist society (acquire, use, throw away, then acquire something new). The other part of it stemmed from the pain of my past, a lack of maturity, and a deep need for therapy/premarital counseling.

Regardless of what my own reasons or excuses were, the fact remains: I loved my wife, but I kept an escape plan in the back of my mind. Therefore, what happened didn't just happen. What happened, happened because I allowed it to.

I Didn't Know What I Was Doing

This phrase stands right alongside the phrase, "It just happened." People do in fact know exactly what they are doing. We alone are in control of ourselves. There is no puppet-master pulling the strings. We must take responsibility for our own thoughts and actions.

"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." (1 Peter 5:8 NIV) In a marriage, if you give into temptation, you are not the only one devoured and destroyed. Your spouse, your children (if you have children), your friends, and your extended family suffer the pain of your choices. Thankfully, if you resist temptation, it will go away.

One Thing Led To Another

This statement is absolutely true. One foolish choice after another. One thing leading to the next. One small step down a path that leads to destruction.

Marital infidelity begins within the heart and mind of a person. Marital infidelity begins with a secret 'plan B' in the darkest and innermost crevices of one's mind.

Some of the things that lead to another - which should be avoided by all married people:

Personal conversations with members of the opposite sex. (This doesn't mean you can't talk to co-workers about job related topics. This means conversations having to do with personal or emotional topics. Save those conversations for your spouse.)

Friendships with members of the opposite sex. (Unless you and your spouse are friends with another couple and your conversations only take place openly within that context and with your spouse present.)

Secret or non-public communication in any form with members of the opposite sex. (Facebook, email, Snapchat, Kik, Instagram, texting, Messenger, Sign Language, Morse Code, ANYTHING that can't be accessed at any time by your spouse or in an open and public forum.)

This is only a suggestion of where to begin. I am not leaving loopholes of any kind. Just because I forgot or omitted an app or site, doesn't mean it's probably okay. If you have to ask, it's probably not okay. It's better to err on the side of safety and integrity, than to risk any kind of compromise.

Make One Thing Lead to Another

One thing can lead to another in a positive way as well though:

Make the decision - I only have eyes for God, and for my spouse. 

Sever all friendships with members of the opposite sex, other than the aforementioned "couples" relationships.

Delete all apps that have no benefit for your marriage: (Kik, Snapchat, Meowchat, or any other kind of "hookup" app, even if it's marketed as an app that helps you make "friends.") After all, real friendships can't even be lived out in a digital world.

Hand your spouse your phone when you walk in the door, or at least leave it out in the open - accessible to them at any time.

Give your spouse all of your passwords: phone code, email, facebook...etc. Leave nothing hidden.

Foster deep friendships with people of your same gender who can hold you accountable.

Rid your mind of any kind of backup plan.

Make purposeful and intentional steps every day to help your spouse feel loved, honored, cherished, and protected.

Easy Judgement

I attended a funeral for a friend a couple of days ago.

There were easily over 1,000 people in attendance. I didn't know most of the mourners.

Interestingly enough, I happened to run into a pastor's wife from a previous church that we attended for several years.

In the past, she always greeted me with a friendly smile and a sincere, "How ya doing?"

When I saw her, I momentarily forgot that my sin had ever become public. I was taken back to a time when people greeted me with seemingly-sincere smiles, warm hugs and friendly words of encouragement & affirmation.

I smiled, waved, and said, "Hey! How are you?"

She made eye contact with me, gave a semi-polite half-smile, and a trepidatious, "Hi." Then she immediately turned away and briskly walked in the opposite direction.

At first I felt embarrassed and once again ashamed of what I had done.

As I walked into the sanctuary and found a seat, I thought about the way I was just treated.
This is what I deserve. I brought this on myself. How do you expect people to treat you now? You are a disgusting failure, and everyone knows it.

I played the situation over and over again in my head. I thought about the way I had been greeted in the past, before anyone knew what my sins were. I then realized what the 'seemingly-sincere smiles' were all about. 

In Christ Jesus, we are all a forgiven 'something,' but very few of us are open and transparent about what our own personal 'somethings' are. We hide our sins and struggles for fear of condemnation and judgment from our family members, friends and peers.

James 5:16 instructs us to "confess [our] sins to each other and pray for each other so that [we] may be healed..." As a society, we are in much need of healing.

Topics that make us uncomfortable (pornography, lust, sexuality, adultery...etc) are buried beneath 'seemingly-sincere smiles,' and false 'friendly words of encouragement & affirmation.' We present ourselves to most fellow brothers and sisters in Christ on a level of shallowness that makes Satan smile with utmost sincerity.

There is so much I can now relate to as I consider Jesus' words, "the truth will set you free" (John 8:32b). I am free from the bondage that the secrecy and hiding of my sins caused. It feels good. I don't walk around with a weight on my shoulders anymore. I want to encourage you to live out the promise of freedom in Christ Jesus through confession, transparency and accountability*. 

While we recognize Jesus as the epitome of truth, we should reflect that truth in the way we relate to others, even if it is uncomfortable or embarrassing. The more we "carry each other's burdens" (Galatians 6:2a), the more we are able to hold one another accountable, and stop sin dead in it's tracks.


*A word of caution: Men should be accountable to men. Women should be accountable to women - unless you are a married couple. In a marriage, a husband and wife should be accountable to each other. There's nothing wrong with having an outside accountability partner as well, but it cannot be with a member of the opposite gender. This protects the integrity of everyone involved.

Shapes from the Past

We are products of our past. However, it isn't our past specifically that creates the product of us.

Our experiences, how we respond to them, and how we make future decisions in light of those experiences, define the character of our heart.

The Bible says, "For it is from within, out of a person's heart, that evil thoughts come--sexual immorality...adultery, greed...deceit, lewdness, envy...arrogance and folly." (Mark 7:21-22, NIV).

Thank God that redemption is readily available to those who earnestly repent and seek His face.

I'm going to touch on some of the defining moments from my past that led to my choices of infidelity.

In hindsight, self-examination, and soul-searching, I was able to identify several points in time when I experienced pain, loss, grief, and betrayal. Those moments allowed me to believe that I was worthless, and that all loving relationships end painfully.

Infidelity begins with selfishness. Selfishness attempts to compensate for feelings of worthlessness. If we learn to see the value in ourselves as new creations in Christ Jesus, selfishness will never be an issue.  In Christ Jesus, we have immeasurable worth.

I'm not going to get into the intricate details of each of these defining moments here. I can expand in future posts. I simply want to give a brief road-map, or bird's-eye view of the major life events that shaped my self-image.  

Moment of pain #1
When I learned that I had been adopted, my heart filled with thousands of questions, "Where is my real mom?" "Why didn't she want me?" "Why did she give me away?" Abandonment. Worthlessness. Lack of Identity. Rejection. Those were feelings that haunted me for many years.

Moment of pain #2
When I was around 7 years old, I found a small stack of adult magazines outside of my house. I was intrigued and thought these images of beautiful women were wonderful, and quite funny. I took them into the house to show my mom. I thought she'd find them entertaining as well. I was so wrong. She immediately yelled at me - scolded me - told me how nasty "those kinds of things" are. I was shocked and embarrassed. What did I do wrong? Why was mommy yelling at me?

I'm pretty sure I remember hearing a semi-heated discussion later that night between my mother and father.

I never received a follow-up talking to or counseling session from either parent. (Back in the 1980's, parents didn't talk about the dangers of porn with their children...I don't know that they really actively do even in today's society...but they should.) I did receive plenty of curiosity and a kick-started interest in girls after that though. Rejection. Sadness. Solitude. Confusion. Embarrassment.

Moment of pain #3
I was raised in a highly conservative Christian home. We went to church every Sunday morning, every Sunday evening, and every Wednesday evening. I knew right from wrong. As an adolescent, I vowed to save myself for marriage.

When I was in 7th grade, I met a girl. I'll just call her "V." V lived in a group home. She was also highly persuasive, pressuring me over and over to give in and sleep with her. She knew my convictions, and convinced me that we would end up getting married. That was all the justification I needed. At the age of 13, I compromised my vow to God and to myself and lost my virginity.

Less than one week later, I caught V in bed with another guy from our school. Betrayal. Insurmountable Pain. My Heart Ripped From My Chest. Numbness. Worthlessness.

 Moment of pain #4
Around the late Summer of 1988, I met a girl at church, "D". We hit it off really well. We spent every free moment possible together. We promised not to sleep together, even though she was aware of my mistake with V. After over a year together (and some rough spots in life as described below), D cheated on me. Not to the extent that V had, but cheated nonetheless. D kissed a guy at a party that I hadn't been able to attend. Betrayal. Pain. Heartache. Broken Trust. Affirmation of my Worthlessness.

 Moment of pain #5
At the age of 15, I lost both parents the same year. My dad suffered a mental breakdown around May of 1989. He was never the same after that - merely a shell of a person, living on strong medication which kept his "chemicals in balance." Later that same year, my mom (who lived with Cerebral Palsy) went into a coma and died after a week on life-support due to kidney failure.
Abandonment. Solitude. Loneliness. Depression. Anxiety. Heartache.

I was a 15 year old boy, on my own. I learned that people are not to be trusted. I learned that I was not valuable enough for someone else to honor. I learned that even if I fully committed and gave my heart to someone else, they would never give me the same in return. I learned that I will either lose or at the very least, get deeply hurt by anyone that I truly love.

Moment of pain #6
I was a leader in our church's youth group when I lost my parents. It was also in this time period that D cheated on me. To get revenge on D, I sought out sexual relationships with a couple of girls in our youth group. Within a few short weeks, gossip spread throughout the whole church. I was kicked out of church. They told me I couldn't set foot back on the property until I had undergone therapy. I was completely alone. I was ousted from the one place that I needed most - my church, my foundation for any semblance of truth or hope, my youth pastor - the one adult figure who up until that point hadn't let me down or rejected me. Rejection. Sadness. Abandonment. Shame.


And thus...the stage was set for a pattern of seeking sexual relationships to fill a void.

I met my wife when I was 16 years old. I asked her to marry me when I was 17 years old. I was not in any kind of position (emotionally, or psychologically)  to get married - not if I were going to be a man that my wife could trust. In turn, I did to my beautiful, loving, and devoted wife what so many others had done to me. I am so deeply sorry for that.

You can see by the theme of my blog, that eventually I did learn to face my past. I also learned to trust. I learned to become vulnerable. I learned to not only seek true forgiveness and repentance, but also to finally forgive myself.

I shared this brief history because I feel that a back story is important to come to a place of understanding.