Rough Waters

Praise God we've made it to this point!

The last week or so has been quite rough. Yesterday, however, things got better. We laughed together. We shared smiles. We held each other.

My wife informed me that the next month or two might be difficult. She wasn't kidding.

It was around this time last year when things got ugly. I wonder if the Easter Season will always remain this way. Have I stained and tainted one of the most glorious events in all of human history with my sinful and destructive choices?

Easter is a time to celebrate the historical and verifiable resurrection of the Lord Jesus Christ. His victory over the grave provided a genuine and accessible joy and freedom to everyone on the planet.

Because I chose to have a relationship outside of my marriage during the Easter Season (2014), and in 2013 I chose to secretly carry on conversations with a girl from my past (including seeing her in person a couple of times), this time of year brings about painful reminders for my wife.

A couple of days ago, my wife asked me if I was hiding anything. She asked me if I had anything devastating to tell her.

I understand why she wanted to know. In the past, I was hiding. I hid my inner conflict. I hid my inner pain. I hid the fact that I didn't know how to deal with issues from my past. I hid the fact that I felt helpless to clearly express disagreement with my wife. I hid relationships that I fostered outside of my marriage. I taught my wife that I was not to be trusted. I violated her trust repeatedly.

This time, I have nothing to hide. I am broken. I have been humbled. I am transparent with my wife. I have chosen the road of true repentance.

It actually feels good to have nothing secretly hidden deep down. I prefer the light and easy burden of honesty. Carrying around lies and secrets is a dreadful way to live. Trust me, I lived that way for quite a long time.

So, when my wife asked me if I was hiding anything, I was able to freely and truthfully answer, "No." I am hiding nothing. I am completely hers - body, mind, and heart.

A major problem with infidelity is that the person who has been cheated on will compare themself to the "others." They will perpetually wonder why you chose physical/psychological intimacy with someone else. They will continue to feel less than good enough. Their self image, self respect, and self worth will have been thrust so far down that you might wonder if they can ever be built back up again.

I am here to tell you that there will be seasons. There will be ebbs and flows. The healing process takes a great deal of time.

If you are in the process of restoration, please know that there will be good days, and there will be bad days. Continue to love each other through the pain. Continue to stand hand in hand. Continue to stand side by side. Carry each other when you need to. Look to Christ Jesus always for your strength.

Blessings to you  

Different Kinds Of Haters

People like happy endings...

...apparently in movies, and books...

...but not necessarily in real life.

I guess we'd first need to come to an agreement about the true value of "happiness," vs. "joy."
The Bible teaches us to be joyful in situations when we face trials of many kinds. There is something greater and deeper in the realm of joy, than what is contained in mere pursuit of happiness. 

Happiness is fleeting, but joy can be everlasting.

Happiness depends on the subjective reaction to any and every situation.

Joy depends on the objective Truth and Hope, only to be found in Christ Jesus.

That leads me to the purpose of the title, "Different Kinds Of Haters."

In fiction, people want to hear the "happy ending," or the fairytale cliché, "...and they lived happily ever after." All you see or hear at the end of a story is a momentary slice of temporal satisfaction. You don't hear the real-life story of two sinful people living life together, trying to make things work.

Just to clarify, all people are sinful.

With two self-centered, sinful human beings, there will be conflict.

If you add the element of infidelity into the mix, you've just made matters 1,000,000 times worse.

However, the relationship doesn't have to end. (Please read my prior posts to understand where I'm coming from). With true repentance, forgiveness, and grace, a marriage can be restored.

Here is where we discover different kinds of haters.

In fiction, people want the standard happy ending. In reality - in situations involving infidelity - people want a different kind of "happy" ending. According to secular opinion, (and even in many Christian circles) the person in the relationship who has been wronged is justified in "dumping," or divorcing the cheating spouse.

When those people hear of situations like ours, they don't respond kindly. They take a combative and negative approach, "You're stupid for sticking around." "Once a cheater, always a cheater." "I'd throw his ____ out."

I'm not in support of any kind of infidelity (in the thought life, in your heart, or physically). However, I know it happens more often than we realize.

I also know firsthand that a person can repent. I know that a heart can become aligned with the will of Christ Jesus. I know that a restored marriage reflects the very Spirit of God.

We as a human race have turned from God. He loved us before we even knew Him. Even after we enter into a relationship with Him, we still have tendencies to "cheat" on Him (meaning that we sin against Him).

There is an eternal joy available to everyone who believes in Him. There is also a lasting joy that can be experienced when a broken relationship is mended.

Why not celebrate a relationship restored, rather than attack someone who has the courage and grace to forgive?

The Best Part of an Affair

If you are currently considering, thinking, fantasizing, or even curious about having an affair, I want to forewarn you that the best is not yet to come.

The best part of an affair begins with a lie.

That lie is smaller than a microscopic seed planted deeply in your mind.

That lie is the temptation that tells you, "This is what you need." "This is what you deserve." "This will give you the satisfaction you so deeply desire." "This will validate you as a person." "This will fulfill you." "This will feel good." "This will end your pain." "This is the solution."

Those are some of the lies I chose to believe.

There are many other things your temptation might say, but the point is - it's all lies.

Is anything wrong with temptation in and of itself? No. Jesus Himself endured temptation (Heb 4:15, Matt 4:1-11). It becomes wrong once we entertain the thought (Jas 1:15, Matt 5:28).

That decisive moment - the moment we entertain the thought, is honestly the best feeling in the entire ordeal. I'm not saying the feeling is good, noble, true, wonderful, or blissful in the honorable sense of the meaning. I'm saying that by looking at the arc of feelings and emotions tied to infidelity (or any sin for that matter), the best possible feeling happens in that moment of decision. From there, everything goes downhill.

You continue to tell yourself more lies to try and make yourself believe it's going to be wonderful. In reality, you're simply piling burden upon burden...creating an unbearable weight on your own shoulders.

C.S. Lewis alluded to the popular (and yet ludicrous idea), "...that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is...A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in."

Our culture in America teaches us to continually give in. "If it feels good, do it." That phrase has misguided people time and time again. What are we being sheltered from by giving in Mr. Lewis?

Ah yes - we are being sheltered from the Truth. Because if we walk "sheltered" by constantly "giving in," we bring about destruction not only to ourselves, but to those around us as well.
If we walk in the Truth, blessings are sure to follow.

Jesus said if we know the Truth, we would be free (John 8:32). He also said that His burden is light and easy (Matt 11:29), and He offered it to us in place of our self-destructive burdens.

If you are considering an affair, please believe me when I tell you that nothing good will come of it - only pain, heartache, and destruction.

Seek Godly counsel from a trusted pastor or friend. Most pastors are male, but when seeking this kind of counsel, do your best to seek out a member of the same gender as you.

Stop Praying For Me

When I was in the midst of my rebellion and sin, my heart began to harden.

I couldn't pray anymore.

I loathed going to church.

I hated putting on the phony smile around my Christian friends.

I didn't even want to touch my bible.

I felt annoyed when Christian music was being played.

I chose to listen strictly to 'mainstream' music since it fed my mood of discontent.

Each of these things in and of themselves are not innately wrong per se. However, for me, at that point in time, it was all of them - at every waking moment.

I don't even remember all of the cruel and heartless things I said to my wife, but my family all agrees that I was definitely not my normal self.

I felt a palpable darkness looming over me - a heavy weight bearing down on my shoulders.

My wife and my children prayed for me...all the time. So much so, that I remember feeling extremely annoyed with it. Every single meal I had to listen to, "Dear God, please bless this food...and please help my Daddy to love my Mommy again...help him to change..." The prayers at bedtime were similar in nature.

When I would lie down in bed every night, I listened to my wife tearfully praying for me and pleading with God to soften my heart and bring about a change.

I actually asked them to stop praying for me. I told them that they could pray however they wanted to when I wasn't around, but I didn't want to hear it anymore.

I honestly did not believe that prayer would change a single thing.

Around that time, there was a Men's Encounter scheduled with our church. I did NOT want to attend. Interestingly enough, I had wanted to attend previous Men's Encounters, but logistically it never worked out.

This time, there was nothing stopping me or getting in the way (aside from myself). My wife pleaded with me to attend. Several men in the church overly-encouraged me to attend. I reluctantly agreed (and probably thought I'd find some temporary solace from the overabundance of prayers on the home front). 

That weekend was more than an "Encounter" with God. That weekend was a divinely planned moment of breakthrough. I was completely broken before the Throne of Grace. I remember praying/pleading/begging God to soften my heart. I asked Him to not allow the hardness of my heart to continue.

Fast forward to the present day. I am blown away at how far I'd strayed. I hang my head and shake it in disgust and shame at the non-man I'd allowed myself to become.

I am a living example of the power of prayer and how it can truly change someone's life.

If you know someone who needs Jesus (whether a non-believer, or a believer who's strayed), pray, pray, pray, and then continue to pray.

"...pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." (James 5:16)

A heartfelt and sincere thanks is given to my dear wife and to my boys for lifting me up in prayer.

It Just Happened

A Follow-Up As Promised

In a previous post, I stated, "...the cliché: It just happened is a lie. There is a decision made deep within the heart of a person before actions are ever initiated." I also said that I would address this in more detail in the future. Here are some of my thoughts on the subject.

It just happened...

I didn't know what I was doing...

One thing led to another...

Two of those excuses are flat out lies. One of them is an excuse, but more honest and true than the speaker of the excuse might realize.

It Just Happened

When you enter into a relational commitment of any kind, especially one as intricately binding as marriage, there is no room for an exit plan, we'll see what happens, escape plan, backup plan, or any other kind of plan B, C, or D.

Your spouse, your future with your spouse, all of your future dreams and aspirations, everything - it's all meshed and merged together with another person. You and your spouse - two separate people, have become one. The design for a husband and wife to no longer think, live, or function as individuals who happen to live together, goes back to the beginning of creation. Your marriage is plan A-Z.

Speaking from my own experience, I kept an exit plan in the back of my mind when I got married. Part of that stemmed from my cultural awareness of the 'normality' of divorce. Part of it stemmed from my cultural foundation in a consumerist society (acquire, use, throw away, then acquire something new). The other part of it stemmed from the pain of my past, a lack of maturity, and a deep need for therapy/premarital counseling.

Regardless of what my own reasons or excuses were, the fact remains: I loved my wife, but I kept an escape plan in the back of my mind. Therefore, what happened didn't just happen. What happened, happened because I allowed it to.

I Didn't Know What I Was Doing

This phrase stands right alongside the phrase, "It just happened." People do in fact know exactly what they are doing. We alone are in control of ourselves. There is no puppet-master pulling the strings. We must take responsibility for our own thoughts and actions.

"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." (1 Peter 5:8 NIV) In a marriage, if you give into temptation, you are not the only one devoured and destroyed. Your spouse, your children (if you have children), your friends, and your extended family suffer the pain of your choices. Thankfully, if you resist temptation, it will go away.

One Thing Led To Another

This statement is absolutely true. One foolish choice after another. One thing leading to the next. One small step down a path that leads to destruction.

Marital infidelity begins within the heart and mind of a person. Marital infidelity begins with a secret 'plan B' in the darkest and innermost crevices of one's mind.

Some of the things that lead to another - which should be avoided by all married people:

Personal conversations with members of the opposite sex. (This doesn't mean you can't talk to co-workers about job related topics. This means conversations having to do with personal or emotional topics. Save those conversations for your spouse.)

Friendships with members of the opposite sex. (Unless you and your spouse are friends with another couple and your conversations only take place openly within that context and with your spouse present.)

Secret or non-public communication in any form with members of the opposite sex. (Facebook, email, Snapchat, Kik, Instagram, texting, Messenger, Sign Language, Morse Code, ANYTHING that can't be accessed at any time by your spouse or in an open and public forum.)

This is only a suggestion of where to begin. I am not leaving loopholes of any kind. Just because I forgot or omitted an app or site, doesn't mean it's probably okay. If you have to ask, it's probably not okay. It's better to err on the side of safety and integrity, than to risk any kind of compromise.

Make One Thing Lead to Another

One thing can lead to another in a positive way as well though:

Make the decision - I only have eyes for God, and for my spouse. 

Sever all friendships with members of the opposite sex, other than the aforementioned "couples" relationships.

Delete all apps that have no benefit for your marriage: (Kik, Snapchat, Meowchat, or any other kind of "hookup" app, even if it's marketed as an app that helps you make "friends.") After all, real friendships can't even be lived out in a digital world.

Hand your spouse your phone when you walk in the door, or at least leave it out in the open - accessible to them at any time.

Give your spouse all of your passwords: phone code, email, facebook...etc. Leave nothing hidden.

Foster deep friendships with people of your same gender who can hold you accountable.

Rid your mind of any kind of backup plan.

Make purposeful and intentional steps every day to help your spouse feel loved, honored, cherished, and protected.

Easy Judgement

I attended a funeral for a friend a couple of days ago.

There were easily over 1,000 people in attendance. I didn't know most of the mourners.

Interestingly enough, I happened to run into a pastor's wife from a previous church that we attended for several years.

In the past, she always greeted me with a friendly smile and a sincere, "How ya doing?"

When I saw her, I momentarily forgot that my sin had ever become public. I was taken back to a time when people greeted me with seemingly-sincere smiles, warm hugs and friendly words of encouragement & affirmation.

I smiled, waved, and said, "Hey! How are you?"

She made eye contact with me, gave a semi-polite half-smile, and a trepidatious, "Hi." Then she immediately turned away and briskly walked in the opposite direction.

At first I felt embarrassed and once again ashamed of what I had done.

As I walked into the sanctuary and found a seat, I thought about the way I was just treated.
This is what I deserve. I brought this on myself. How do you expect people to treat you now? You are a disgusting failure, and everyone knows it.

I played the situation over and over again in my head. I thought about the way I had been greeted in the past, before anyone knew what my sins were. I then realized what the 'seemingly-sincere smiles' were all about. 

In Christ Jesus, we are all a forgiven 'something,' but very few of us are open and transparent about what our own personal 'somethings' are. We hide our sins and struggles for fear of condemnation and judgment from our family members, friends and peers.

James 5:16 instructs us to "confess [our] sins to each other and pray for each other so that [we] may be healed..." As a society, we are in much need of healing.

Topics that make us uncomfortable (pornography, lust, sexuality, adultery...etc) are buried beneath 'seemingly-sincere smiles,' and false 'friendly words of encouragement & affirmation.' We present ourselves to most fellow brothers and sisters in Christ on a level of shallowness that makes Satan smile with utmost sincerity.

There is so much I can now relate to as I consider Jesus' words, "the truth will set you free" (John 8:32b). I am free from the bondage that the secrecy and hiding of my sins caused. It feels good. I don't walk around with a weight on my shoulders anymore. I want to encourage you to live out the promise of freedom in Christ Jesus through confession, transparency and accountability*. 

While we recognize Jesus as the epitome of truth, we should reflect that truth in the way we relate to others, even if it is uncomfortable or embarrassing. The more we "carry each other's burdens" (Galatians 6:2a), the more we are able to hold one another accountable, and stop sin dead in it's tracks.


*A word of caution: Men should be accountable to men. Women should be accountable to women - unless you are a married couple. In a marriage, a husband and wife should be accountable to each other. There's nothing wrong with having an outside accountability partner as well, but it cannot be with a member of the opposite gender. This protects the integrity of everyone involved.

Shapes from the Past

We are products of our past. However, it isn't our past specifically that creates the product of us.

Our experiences, how we respond to them, and how we make future decisions in light of those experiences, define the character of our heart.

The Bible says, "For it is from within, out of a person's heart, that evil thoughts come--sexual immorality...adultery, greed...deceit, lewdness, envy...arrogance and folly." (Mark 7:21-22, NIV).

Thank God that redemption is readily available to those who earnestly repent and seek His face.

I'm going to touch on some of the defining moments from my past that led to my choices of infidelity.

In hindsight, self-examination, and soul-searching, I was able to identify several points in time when I experienced pain, loss, grief, and betrayal. Those moments allowed me to believe that I was worthless, and that all loving relationships end painfully.

Infidelity begins with selfishness. Selfishness attempts to compensate for feelings of worthlessness. If we learn to see the value in ourselves as new creations in Christ Jesus, selfishness will never be an issue.  In Christ Jesus, we have immeasurable worth.

I'm not going to get into the intricate details of each of these defining moments here. I can expand in future posts. I simply want to give a brief road-map, or bird's-eye view of the major life events that shaped my self-image.  

Moment of pain #1
When I learned that I had been adopted, my heart filled with thousands of questions, "Where is my real mom?" "Why didn't she want me?" "Why did she give me away?" Abandonment. Worthlessness. Lack of Identity. Rejection. Those were feelings that haunted me for many years.

Moment of pain #2
When I was around 7 years old, I found a small stack of adult magazines outside of my house. I was intrigued and thought these images of beautiful women were wonderful, and quite funny. I took them into the house to show my mom. I thought she'd find them entertaining as well. I was so wrong. She immediately yelled at me - scolded me - told me how nasty "those kinds of things" are. I was shocked and embarrassed. What did I do wrong? Why was mommy yelling at me?

I'm pretty sure I remember hearing a semi-heated discussion later that night between my mother and father.

I never received a follow-up talking to or counseling session from either parent. (Back in the 1980's, parents didn't talk about the dangers of porn with their children...I don't know that they really actively do even in today's society...but they should.) I did receive plenty of curiosity and a kick-started interest in girls after that though. Rejection. Sadness. Solitude. Confusion. Embarrassment.

Moment of pain #3
I was raised in a highly conservative Christian home. We went to church every Sunday morning, every Sunday evening, and every Wednesday evening. I knew right from wrong. As an adolescent, I vowed to save myself for marriage.

When I was in 7th grade, I met a girl. I'll just call her "V." V lived in a group home. She was also highly persuasive, pressuring me over and over to give in and sleep with her. She knew my convictions, and convinced me that we would end up getting married. That was all the justification I needed. At the age of 13, I compromised my vow to God and to myself and lost my virginity.

Less than one week later, I caught V in bed with another guy from our school. Betrayal. Insurmountable Pain. My Heart Ripped From My Chest. Numbness. Worthlessness.

 Moment of pain #4
Around the late Summer of 1988, I met a girl at church, "D". We hit it off really well. We spent every free moment possible together. We promised not to sleep together, even though she was aware of my mistake with V. After over a year together (and some rough spots in life as described below), D cheated on me. Not to the extent that V had, but cheated nonetheless. D kissed a guy at a party that I hadn't been able to attend. Betrayal. Pain. Heartache. Broken Trust. Affirmation of my Worthlessness.

 Moment of pain #5
At the age of 15, I lost both parents the same year. My dad suffered a mental breakdown around May of 1989. He was never the same after that - merely a shell of a person, living on strong medication which kept his "chemicals in balance." Later that same year, my mom (who lived with Cerebral Palsy) went into a coma and died after a week on life-support due to kidney failure.
Abandonment. Solitude. Loneliness. Depression. Anxiety. Heartache.

I was a 15 year old boy, on my own. I learned that people are not to be trusted. I learned that I was not valuable enough for someone else to honor. I learned that even if I fully committed and gave my heart to someone else, they would never give me the same in return. I learned that I will either lose or at the very least, get deeply hurt by anyone that I truly love.

Moment of pain #6
I was a leader in our church's youth group when I lost my parents. It was also in this time period that D cheated on me. To get revenge on D, I sought out sexual relationships with a couple of girls in our youth group. Within a few short weeks, gossip spread throughout the whole church. I was kicked out of church. They told me I couldn't set foot back on the property until I had undergone therapy. I was completely alone. I was ousted from the one place that I needed most - my church, my foundation for any semblance of truth or hope, my youth pastor - the one adult figure who up until that point hadn't let me down or rejected me. Rejection. Sadness. Abandonment. Shame.


And thus...the stage was set for a pattern of seeking sexual relationships to fill a void.

I met my wife when I was 16 years old. I asked her to marry me when I was 17 years old. I was not in any kind of position (emotionally, or psychologically)  to get married - not if I were going to be a man that my wife could trust. In turn, I did to my beautiful, loving, and devoted wife what so many others had done to me. I am so deeply sorry for that.

You can see by the theme of my blog, that eventually I did learn to face my past. I also learned to trust. I learned to become vulnerable. I learned to not only seek true forgiveness and repentance, but also to finally forgive myself.

I shared this brief history because I feel that a back story is important to come to a place of understanding.

What's So Difficult About Restoration?

That question is being answered every day in my marriage. Every day holds it's own difficulties. Each day holds new challenges. We might have a wonderfully romantic dinner, followed by incredible intimacy on a spiritual, emotional, and physical level. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, her eyes will begin to turn red. She'll get quiet. I'll notice tears forming in her beautifully deep blue eyes.

It's been quite a while since I've been unfaithful. Although "quite a while" is completely subjective to the person defining it.

Unfaithfulness is also subjective to many people. Although, if you use the definition given by the Ultimate Authority on everything, even looking at another woman and lusting counts as marital unfaithfulness.

I'm sure you've all heard some of the popular phrases, "You can look, but don't touch." "Just because you're on a diet doesn't mean you can't check out the menu." "I've got my celeb list - that's my list of celebs I'd make an exception for...my spouse is okay with it...it's never going to happen anyway."

These, and the many variations of these phrases are all lies. They are not okay. Your spouse is actually not okay with you thinking or speaking these things. These lies are the foundation of a path that leads to full-blown infidelity.

So what specifically is so difficult about the journey of my marital restoration?

I'm not being unfaithful. I'm not looking. In fact, my eyes bounce as the Every Man's Battle teaches.  
I'm doing everything in my power to demonstrate love, faithfulness, and commitment to my wife.
I get her a glass of water every night before bed. I turn the sheets down for her. I practically never take a shower alone - nearly every single shower I take is with her. In the shower, I wash her back and the backs of her legs every single time. I rub moisturizer/lotion on her after the shower. Occasionally I will brush her hair after the shower. I make tea for her, sometimes in the mornings, and sometimes in the evenings. I do dishes, and laundry. I put the lid down on the toilet. I send her random texts to let her know that I'm thinking about her & to tell her that I love her. I willingly and happily go out of my way for her. I consider her feelings and schedule, and I consult her whenever I make plans. There are so many things that I do, that many experts would find to be simply wonderful.

The problem? I should have been doing those things all along...all along without leaving an out in my mind. I should have been doing those things without keeping that deadly thought in the back of my mind, "If this doesn't work out, I can always find somebody else."

This is the person I married. This is the person I choose to be with, "...for better, or for worse...in good times, and in bad..." There is no exit plan. There is no "plan B." However, because of my terrible choices and lack of discernment along the way, I'm fighting desperately to prove and prove again and again and again my love and faithfulness to her - sometimes multiple times throughout the day.

She constantly second-guesses every action of mine. She is continually filled with doubt as to the true intent and integrity of my actions, understandably so.

LORD, I pray earnestly for You to work in the heart of my wife. You have changed my heart. You have given her your Grace and Forgiveness in order to restore our holy covenant of marriage. Please give her peace and comfort. Please restore her trust in my love once again.

Forgiveness Can't Forget

Although at times I feel my wife and I have come amazingly far down the path of reconciliation, there are painful bumps in the road. Those bumps have the innate ability to transport us right back to the palpable and excruciatingly painful moments in the past.

My wife has truly forgiven me. I have truly repented of my marital unfaithfulness. We have worked together, sorting through our personal histories, delving deep beneath hidden scars to evaluate what brought us to the point we were when I made the decision to cheat. (On a side-note, the cliché: It just happened is a lie. There is a decision made deep within the heart of a person before actions are ever initiated. I'll address that subject in another post all to itself.)

There isn't anything in the Bible that commands us to forgive and forget. There are plenty of examples that instruct us to forgive - even to the point that if we don't forgive, we will not be forgiven (Matt 18:35, Matt 6:15, Mark 11:26). Forgetting is impossible. We are human beings. We have been given a brain. We are designed to experience, to learn, and to remember.

I don't like that part of my design - and at the same time, I am thankful. My memories keep me humble. My memories help whatever self-righteous, egotistical condemnation I'd be willing to cast onto another person for their choices, to remain in check. I used to look down my nose at so many people and think, "What an idiot. " "How disgusting." Now I simply remember that the same Christ Jesus who willingly laid down His life for my sins, did the same for every other person on this planet.

What are these bumps I mentioned?

It's like sense-memory (which most of us have experienced). You'll run across a scent randomly that will take you instantaneously back to a time and place long ago, like Grandma's kitchen - usually with wonderfully pleasant memories. Our bumps in the road are quite unpleasant to say the least. 

We might have a great morning. We'll wake up in each other's arms. We'll prepare breakfast together, read a devotional, smile, share a few laughs, and leave the house for an outing. Then, I'll notice that our outing has led us into a familiar part of town. This familiarity however is dark and foreboding. One of the several shes from the past lives in that area. It's too late for me to find an alternate route. Because at the moment of my own realization, my wife has already been a couple of steps ahead of me.

Then the dreaded questions begin.

"How many times did you say you went over to her house?"

"I really don't remember...that was so long ago."

[Long stretch of uncomfortable silence.]

That silence is filled with me beating myself up in my heart and in my head. Although that is not my wife's intention, I do tell myself I fully deserve it.

For my wife, that moment is filled with hundreds of additional questions that bring back stinging, dagger-like pain in her heart. Most of those questions will remain unanswered...not because I am unwilling to sort through the painful truth, but because I honestly can't remember all of the details. 

When the news of what I had done was fresh, the questions came at all hours and times. After many months had gone by, the space in between grew greater and greater.

Now, the bumps and questions are usually just triggered by certain things: a freeway entrance, a landmark, a street sign, a certain couple of neighborhoods and suburbs, the names of a couple of mutual friends, certain kinds of foods, and a handful of other things.

These bumps keep me humble. These bumps remind me of my sin. These bumps help me to deeply appreciate the Grace, Love, and Forgiveness my wife has given to me.

I don't know if forgiveness and forgetfulness is even a good idea. If we truly forgot our past mistakes, would growth and maturity really be a possibility? Would soul-deep relationships even exist?

Intro to Me - A Forgiven Cheater

Everyone hates a cheater, don't they?

That's the popular consensus anyway. You've got television shows like Cheaters, which sensationalize the act of catching someone in the act of cheating. There are also shows like Maury, and Springer that make a complete voyeuristic, carnival-esque, and humiliating display of revealing secrets such as cheating/affairs for the sickening entertainment of the masses.

What about the staggering numbers that seem to come out in popular statistics? An article in the Washington Post reveals numbers from a 1991 study - 1991 (before the internet was accessible - before cheating and hook-up apps were invented) - that claims over 70% of married people have cheated.

That number is heartbreaking.

Cheating is heartbreaking - not only for the person who has been cheated on, but also for the unfaithful person. There is a momentary thrill, followed by a lifetime of regret, sorrow, self-loathing, and disgust.

I know. I've been married for over 21 years. I've also cheated on my wife several times.

She knows.

I confessed everything to her in the office of a counselor.

My goal at the time? I wanted to crush her, wound her, hurt her, and cause her to hate me. I wanted her to give me the same kinds of reactions I'd seen on all of the aforementioned television shows. I didn't deserve grace. I didn't deserve forgiveness.

She forgave me. She prayed for me. She continued to love me.

We are a modern-day picture of the story of Hosea and Gomer.

This blog is my story. It will lead you through the history of how I became a person who forsake his marital vows, nearly destroyed his family, experienced grace and forgiveness, and now has a beautifully restored marriage.